Realize
by McDreamOn08
Summary: Part of the Hanging By A Moment Series - A patient with a compromising history and Charlie has separation anxiety. MerDer; other pairings Gizzie.
1. Plans Fail

As a doctor, it's easy to have a plan; we have maps of anatomy that allow us to know where to cut someone open. But sometimes we seek more than knowing; because as humans we are genetically programmed to seek approval. Whether we want acknowledgment for what we do or if we seek to elicit a response from a place it usually wouldn't come; all anybody wants is to feel adequate.

I woke up that morning to find Charlotte asleep next to me; I looked at the clock and knew that I had to get up. I wandered downstairs to find Derek eating his cereal and reading the newspaper.

"Good morning," I said kissing his forehead.

"Good morning," he answered grabbing me by the waist as I walked past. He pulled me back and kissed my lips.

"Mmm…you're in a good mood," I smiled.

"I get to kiss you everyday, for the rest of my life, why do I have a reason to be in a bad mood?" he asked.

I laughed and poured a cup of coffee.

Izzie and George soon made their way down the stairs.

"Good morning!" Izzie said cheerfully. "Hey, I heard Charlie last night, was everything okay?"

"I think she had a nightmare," I answered.

"Poor thing," George sighed. He put his hand on my shoulder. "She'll be fine,"

I nodded.

Later that day, I had my interns in the pit; it was hectic and overrun, which was really nothing unusual.

Bailey ran in.

"Grey, incoming trauma, ETA is about 2 minutes!" she told me.

"Let's go George!" I said to him.

We met the ambulance in the emergency entrance where paramedics pulled a young girl out on a gurney.

"What have we got?" I asked.

"Naomi Johnson, 15, complaining of severe abdominal pain! She's been given a light sedative, 5 of morphine for the pain," the paramedic informed us.

"Okay, clear a trauma bay, STAT!" I told George.

George rushed into a trauma and cleared it ready for the incoming patient.

I examined Naomi closely pushing my hands into her abdomen, finding any indication of tenderness, anything that would tell me right then what I was dealing with.

"Naomi, can you hear me, my name is Dr. Grey, I am just trying to find out what's wrong," I told her.

George looked concerned.

"Dr. Grey…" he said picking up her arm.

I looked at him.

"What is it George?" I asked.

"Look at how thin her arms are," he said. "She's fifteen and she looks like she's only about 85 or 90 pounds…which I'm guessing isn't healthy,"

I looked back at him.

"I see what you mean…what are you thinking?" I asked him.

"Bulimia, pressure of the forced vomiting has torn her stomach lining," he answered.

"Well, let's clear a CT and see if your diagnosis is right," I told him.

In CT George and I were waiting for the films from our new case; when they were available, we looked at them closely.

"There it is," I sighed. "It's a tear in the stomach lining…and if we don't operate…"

"It will rupture," George answered.

"Nice work George, go and book an OR," I said to him.

In the meantime Izzie and Alex were both on a case from Derek; a man's was gradually going blind from a tumour pressing on the optic nerve. But as the sparkle pager privilege would have it, I got a choice as to whether or not I would like to scrub in on the removal of the tumour. While the prospects of working with Derek were all too exciting, I turned it down; there was something about this case I was on that triggered a thought in the back of my mind.

I ran into Izzie as I made my way past the surgical board.

"Hey! I just paged you," she told me.

"Yeah," I answered. "Surgery's yours, I've got one that I'm pretty happy to stay on," I said, a little distantly.

Izzie raised her eyebrows.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Positive," I replied. "This case is probably one you will only see every so often; its one time where I think I can really make a difference."

Izzie looked concerned.

"Um, okay," she said. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I replied. "Just thinking, I'll um…I'll see you later."

I kept walking where I met George in Naomi's room.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Stats are in the 80s, but she's stable," he answered as he scribbled something on the chart.

"Okay, well I'll just go get her labs and I'll meet you in the OR in an hour," I told him.

On my way to the cafeteria my pager started beeping incessantly. It read 9-1-1 for Naomi.

I ran back to her room and found her vomiting blood.

"What happened?" I asked Olivia.

"She woke up, said her stomach hurt and began vomiting blood," Olivia answered.

George ran in.

"George, call up to the OR, we need to get her into surgery now!" I told him.

I had Bailey and my interns in the OR within no time whilst I continued to repair the damage to Naomi's stomach; the problem was it was much more extensive than I had first anticipated.

"So, the question is why," I sighed as I shook my head. "She is 15 years old, absolutely beautiful and yet she does this…"

Bailey also shook her head.

"Self esteem is not as highly valued these days Grey; there are pressures in today's society…" Bailey almost sounded tearful. "But I am not going to open that book…"

I looked up at her, a little confused.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Don't go there Grey, lets just focus on controlling the bleeding," Bailey replied with a snappy tone to her voice.


	2. Tears

Much to her dismay, Cristina was covering for me while I was in surgery; she had her interns with her Chapter 1

Much to her dismay, Cristina was covering for me while I was in surgery; she had her interns with her. Just as she finished an exam a woman rushed through the ER doors crying hysterically and holding a baby in her arms.

"My baby!" she cried. "She's not breathing!"

Cristina ran over and grabbed the baby. She opened the baby's mouth and peered in.

"She's clamped down!"

She took another look.

"I need epi over here right now!" she yelled at her interns. "Ma'am you need to move, your baby is in anaphylactic shock!"

Lexie ran over with an epi-pen and handed it to Cristina who jabbed it into the baby's leg. By this time, Lexie was also attaching the baby to a monitor.

Cristina looked at the monitor; she then looked at the woman who was standing in front of her drenched in blood.

"Ma'am, you're bleeding!" Cristina cried. "Is that your blood?"

"It's…it's the…" the woman began to fall to the ground before Lexie and a nurse grabbed her.

"Pressure's dropping!" Lexie told Cristina. "I can barely feel a pulse!"

"Okay, get her on a gurney, I need you to intubate and stabilise her!" Cristina ordered.

Lexie looked at her fearfully.

"Grey!" Cristina yelled. "Move!"

Lexie snatched up an intubation kit and proceeded to intubate the woman.

"Someone page Dr. Montgomery!" Cristina said to Olivia. "Let's get this woman to trauma Grey! I am leaving this up to you!"

Lexie nodded and pushed the gurney into a trauma bay.

Addison ran into the pit and debriefed the situation with Cristina before taking the baby to the NICU.

Meanwhile, I was upstairs waiting for Naomi's parents who were just arriving.

"Dr. Grey?" I looked up to see a woman in dark blue scrubs and a lab coat labelled Mercy West General Hospital. "You're Ellis Grey's daughter?"

"Dr. Johnson?" I asked. "As in, Dr. Helen Johnson?"

She nodded.

"You're Naomi's mother?" I asked.

She nodded again.

"And you are the spitting image of your mother," Helen told me. "I heard about your mother, I am terribly sorry, I had a lot of respect for her work,"

"Yeah," I sighed. "So, we need to talk about Naomi's condition,"

Helen frowned.

"Condition?" she questioned.

"Helen, Naomi is very thin, as you have probably noticed," I explained to her.

Helen shrugged.

"She's always been a small kid," she said.

"Helen, I think she is suffering from Bulimia," I blurted out.

Helen's eyes widened.

"Where is she?" she asked.

I took Helen and her husband into the room where Naomi was still asleep.

When I left the room I ran into Derek.

"Hey!" he said. He peered into the room. "Is that Dr. Johnson from Mercy West?"

I nodded.

"Her daughter is a patient here," I answered.

Derek leaned in and ran his hand down my cheek.

"What do you say about taking a break?" he asked. "The third floor on call room is free,"

I smiled.

"I've got some time," I laughed.

We climbed into an empty elevator and I pressed for level three. Just as the doors closed I felt Derek grab me and pull me close to kiss me.

"Can't you wait a second," I murmured through kisses.

"No chance," he got so caught up in kissing me that when the doors open we were still kissing.

"Ahem,"

I pulled back to see Bailey standing with her hands on her hips.

"Just…uh…going on a lunch break," I pushed my way past her with Derek closely in tow.

In the on call room I closed the door quickly behind me and flicked the lock. As I turned around I felt his lips on mine and his hands travelling around my waist where he lifted my shirt up over my head. I then felt his fingers fiddling at the drawstring on my scrub pants.

"Double knots?" he groaned.

I laughed against his lips and pulled at the drawstring so it untied. Derek moved his hands around my waist and pulled me down onto the bed so I was lying on top of him.

"We're going to have to find a better place for this…" I murmured against his lips.

"Mmm hmm…" Derek said.

My mobile phone started ringing incessantly. I groaned and grabbed it off the table.

"Hello?" I frowned. "Okay, yeah of course, I'll be right there,"

Derek looked at me with confusion.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"It was the day care," I replied. "Charlie won't stop crying, I need to go and calm her down,"

Derek nodded.

"Tonight, okay?" I smiled as I kissed him and let my lips linger for a moment.

"It's a deal," he answered leaning up to kiss me once more.

At the day care, I ran through the doors to find Charlotte sitting in a corner crying her eyes out. Her teacher raced over.

"She's been crying all morning, but she won't say why," she said to me.

"I'll talk to her," I said softly. I walked over. "Baby…"

Charlotte looked up.

"Mommy!" she jumped up and threw her arms around me.

"What's wrong?" I asked in a worried tone. "Why have you been crying?"

"I wanna go home…" Charlie sobbed. "I don't want to come back!"

I lifted her up and hugged her tightly.

"Well, you'll have to come back to work with me for a while," I said to her whilst running my hands through her hair.


	3. You Will Never Know

I took Charlotte to the hospital; the car ride was quiet and she remained quite the same whilst we walked into the hospital Chapter 1

I took Charlotte to the hospital; the car ride was quiet and she remained quite the same whilst we walked into the hospital.

"Are you okay honey?" I asked putting my hand on her shoulder.

Charlotte nodded.

On our way to the surgical floor, we passed Derek.

"Honey!" he said smiling.

"Yes dear?" I joked.

Derek pulled Charlotte into his arms.

"Hey honey," he said softly. "You okay?"

She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I've got to go and check on Naomi; can you take her for a while, I'll page you when I'm done," I told him.

Derek nodded and kissed my cheek.

"A kiss for mom," he told Charlotte.

She leaned over and kissed me.

"Bye Mommy," she said softly.

"I'll be back soon," I told her as I rubbed my nose against hers.

I entered Naomi's room to find it empty, just as she was beginning to wake.

"Naomi," I smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore…" she said groggily.

"That's fine, I'll just increase the Demerol," I replied. "Now, what I do want, however, is to talk to you about a few things,"

Naomi looked at me with a sigh.

"Bulimia…" I said tentatively. "Naomi, you're weight is drastically low and the pressure from the forced vomiting tore the stomach lining,"

Naomi looked frightened.

"But we were able to repair the lining of your stomach, however, should you continue forcing yourself to vomit, you will rupture you stomach muscles and it will kill you," I said bluntly. I put my palms on my knees as I sat in front of her. "So, my question is why?"

"What would you know…?" Naomi snapped as she started to cry. "You are some big hot shot doctor; you don't have a worry in the world…you can probably eat what you want and stay as thin as you are! You walk into a room and everyone stops to stare! You've probably been brought up in one of the worlds most idolised families with all the love and support! You wouldn't know what it was like to bend over backwards just to be noticed…just to make your family…your mother…proud!"

I took a deep breath.

"Oh, Naomi, honey you are so far from the truth," I said. "Okay, I am in my first year of residency, I screwed up big time as an intern when I fell in love with my attending, when I walk into a room, yeah, everyone stops to stare, only because there is so much gossip about me that I change conversations when I walk into a room. Let me see, my family, well my father left when I was five; and I, too, am the daughter of a surgeon, my mother was Ellis Grey; if your mom has ever spoken about her, you would understand how big the shoes to fill are…and before she died, she told me I was nothing but ordinary!"

Naomi sighed.

"I just wanted a little bit of attention…I just wanted her to put me first for once in her life," she said tearily. "Random sex, she wouldn't notice, but if I was slowly getting thinner, I thought it would stop her working so much, maybe take a little time with me…"

I put my hands on her arm.

"Make _yourself_ proud, Naomi, that's all I can say…I have a daughter, and I am so proud of her everyday; and one day you'll have a child and _never_ put them through what you and I went through,"

Naomi nodded.

I saw Derek standing outside the door with Charlotte. Not too much later, I walked out to see them.

"What's wrong?" I asked her. Charlotte looked up at me with tears in her eyes and a pale face. "Sweetie, what's wrong?" I asked her. "Do you not feel very well?"

Charlotte shook her head.

"I just want you," she held her arms out. When I pulled her into my arms she started to cry.

"Do you feel sick?" I asked her.

She nodded.

"My tummy hurts…" she sobbed.

"Oh, honey," I sighed; I knew deep down that it was not the root of the problem.

We continued walking to the locker room where we ran straight into Izzie.

"Baby!" she said happily when she saw Charlotte.

Charlotte smiled slightly at her and buried her head in my shoulder.

Izzie looked at me with worried eyes.

"What's wrong?" she mouthed.

I shrugged.

"I'm not sure," I answered rubbing Charlotte's back.

Bailey walked in.

"Are we having a tea party?" she asked us all very abruptly until she saw Charlotte. "Everything okay?" she asked me.

"Yeah," I answered. "You may want to keep an eye on Naomi though, something tells me she is not entirely okay,"

Bailey nodded.

"Well, how about you take an hour to catch up some charts and everything, get her organised and find an intern to watch her," she told me.

"Uh…an intern?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, an intern, the residents are all too busy today and I really need you to stay here, so maybe talk to the other Grey about charting and taking care of her,"

I nodded.

"Okay," I replied. "Come on honey, let's go and find Aunty Lex," I said to Charlotte who nodded limply.

Izzie patted Charlotte's arm as we started walking.

I met Lexie in the pit while she was filling out admission forms for the new patient.

"Lexie," I said at the desk.

She looked up.

"Oh, hey!" her eyes lit up when she saw Charlotte. "Hey beautiful girl!"

Charlotte smiled at her and yet, didn't budge from my arms.

"I'm going to take her with me for an hour to do some charts and all that, but Bailey needs me on the floor with a patient, so do you think you can…" I started.

"Oh yeah, of course!" she answered.

"I'll get George to swap with you every so often, it's just, she needs familiar people with her…family sort of people," I replied.

"Oh of course, I understand," she said. She rubbed Charlotte's cheek.

"Thanks Lex, I appreciate it," I told her. I shuffled Charlotte to the other side of my hip. "We better get started on those charts missy,"

Charlotte nodded.

I grabbed a stack of charts from the pit and walked back to the locker room where I handed Charlotte a stamp.

"Now, mommy's going to fill this out and I need you to stamp this right here," I pointed to a place on the page. "Can you do that?"

Charlotte nodded.

I filled out a page, signed it and passed it to Charlotte when she put the stamp on it.

"Good girl," I smiled and kissed her forehead.

About half an hour later Derek walked in.

"Hey," he said leaning down to kiss my forehead. He patted Charlotte on the head. "How are you feeling princess?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"Have you seen George?" I asked him.

"Yeah, he's in the clinic with Izzie," Derek replied. "Do you want me to page him?"

I shook my head.

"I'll find him later," I answered.

"What are we doing?" Derek asked.

"Stamping," Charlotte mumbled.

Derek frowned and looked at me.

"No change?" he asked.

"No change," I replied.


	4. Keeping Secrets and Being Proud

Later that day, Charlotte and I were ready to go home when Derek appeared at the door Chapter 1

Later that day, Charlotte and I were ready to go home when Derek appeared at the door.

"I'm still going to be here a while," he said as I lifted Charlotte up.

I nodded.

"Are you going to be late?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"Couple of hours, no later though," he answered. He then leaned down and kissed Charlotte's forehead, then he kissed my lips. "Don't wait up,"

I smiled.

We arrived home and Charlotte was half asleep.

"Do you want to come to bed with me?" I asked her.

She nodded.

We walked upstairs; the house was empty and quiet, it was so quiet that it was like the calm before the storm. For a moment I wished that some noise would return and for something to ease the slightest bit of discomfort I had in the silence.

As we entered the room Charlotte eased out of my arms and wandered over to the bed, lightly tracing the edge of the quilt before she climbed under it.

"Hang on and I'll get you some pyjamas," I walked over to the laundry hamper and grabbed her clothes. As I changed her I noticed her expression didn't change from the same sad face. "Baby, what's wrong?" I pulled her up onto the bed, into my arms. "I need you to tell me what is bothering you,"

Charlotte looked up at me, tears glistening in her eyes.

"You're not my real mommy…are you?" she asked.

My heart broke when those words escaped her mouth.

"No, I'm not…" I sighed.

"So you don't love me like a real mommy?" she questioned.

I felt tears escaping my eyes.

"Who told you that?" I asked her.

"Nathan from school…" Charlotte answered.

"Charlie, let me tell you something honey," I sighed. "I love you very much and so does daddy; it's true, that we are not your real parents, but honey, deep down, we are your true parents; and Izzie and George and Cristina love you very much too!"

Charlotte smiled.

"You are everything to all of us Charlie, and we will never stop loving you okay!" I told her.

She nodded and put her head on my shoulder.

"Time for bed," I said to her.

I put Charlotte to bed and wandered back to the bedroom where I lied down on Derek's pillow to breathe in his scent. But it wasn't before too long that he arrived back home.

"Hey," he said softly as he leaned down to kiss me.

"Hey," I answered. "So…I've found the problem with Charlie; Nathan at day care told her that indeed, you and I are not her parents,"

"That little snot rag!" Derek exclaimed. "Well, I think I'll need to have a word with his father,"

"No you don't," I sighed.

"We're taking her out of day care and getting another nanny," Derek told me. "I won't have some gaudy little tyrant tormenting my daughter!"

I smiled at him and put my hands on his chest.

"Don't worry okay," I kissed him. "She's tough; and I am sure someone will teach her to kick his ass one day,"

"And if she doesn't I will," Derek answered.

I laughed.

"Go and say goodnight to your daughter," I told him.

He got up out of bed, as did I, when he entered the room I stood at the door and leaned against the frame. He walked over to the bed and I watched him lean down and kiss her forehead; his eyes were filled with love like I'd never seen before; emotions that only he could feel; a connection never to be broken.

Charlotte rolled over and opened her eyes.

"Daddy…" she whispered.

"Hey baby…" Derek said quietly. He rubbed her cheek. "Did you have a bad day?"

She nodded and sniffled.

"Tomorrow is a new day princess," Derek smiled. "Sweet dreams," he leaned down to give her a kiss. "I love you,"

I walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"And I love you," I smothered kisses all over her face. "Goodnight sweetie,"

"Goodnight mommy, goodnight daddy," Charlotte replied softly.

"Goodnight princess," Derek said as he and I left the room.

I walked back into the bedroom where I crawled under the covers and waited for him to follow suit. When he climbed under the blanket I put my arms around him.

"You are a wonderful mom," he said into my ear. "And for that, I love you more than anything,"

I smiled and kissed him.

"Do you wanna pick up where we left off?" he asked. "Or are you tired?"

I laughed at his remark.

"No way am I tired," I said kissing him deeply. "Now, get going Dr. Shepherd,"

"Whatever you say Dr. Grey," he laughed.

That night I was sound asleep when I heard the bedroom door creak open and Charlotte wandered in sleepily, rubbing her eyes as she climbed under the covers. With no words and no excuse, she climbed between Derek and me and fell back asleep.

I rolled over and nudged Derek.

"Come downstairs," I whispered.

Derek groaned when he saw the clock and got up reluctantly.

I wandered down the stairs with Derek in tow; he put his hands on my shoulders as he followed me sleepily.

"So why are we out of bed?" he yawned.

"Because I can't sleep…" I answered. I sat on the bar stool and pulled him close to me. I ran my hands through his thick hair. "We're going to get her through this, aren't we?"

Derek nodded and rested his forehead against mine.

"We're _all_ going to get through this," he said kissing me. "Because we have each other okay,"

I kissed him again.

"You know, we have all this space down here…Charlie is in bed, there is no way that George and Izzie would even come down here now…" I said to him with a silly grin and a light chuckle.

"You're terrible…" he answered. "We can't have sex down here…people eat in this kitchen!"

"We eat on _plates_ on _that table_!" I pointed out.

"That's true," Derek replied. "The shower…on the other hand…"

"Ours is not communal…" I laughed.

"But what's life without a little risk?" Derek smiled at me cheekily.

"No one will be awake for a while…" I pulled at his shirt.

"Charlie's asleep…" he responded as he kissed me.

"Let's go," I told him.

I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. When it was at a comfortable temperature I whipped around and felt Derek's lips against mine; he started to pull my shirt over my head where he kissed my stomach and my chest; I moved my hands over his torso and took off his shirt. Our clothing was soon a sparse pile on the bathroom floor and we were in the shower; I felt the pressure of his body against mine as I leaned with my back to the tiles. With no warning and no sound, he and I seemed to miss the sound of Izzie entering the bathroom. While we weren't to know, she flushed the toilet; with the pipes being what they were in my house, it sent a gush of icy cold water through the shower; startled by the chill I screamed at the top of my lungs and Derek let out a yelp of shock.

Izzie pulled back the shower curtain in shock.

"Oh my god!" she cried.

She jumped back and as she went to run out of the bathroom George opened the door to see what all the commotion was about.

"Ahh!" he exclaimed. Izzie shoved him out of the way to run out the bathroom, with him closely in tow.

As Derek and I composed ourselves from the sheer embarrassment of what had just happened, I heard George and Izzie talking.

"My god, this place is like a fraternity house! All this sex in inappropriate places…" she went on and on with comments like that.

I breathed heavily and leaned against him.

"No more risks okay," I sighed.

"Definitely not!" he answered.

We walked quietly back upstairs with the knowledge that both he and I were going to be up early. I passed Izzie on the way up as she threw me a dirty look.

"Uh…sorry Iz," I said.

"Don't mention it…_ever_!"

I laughed and wandered into the bedroom where I lied down gently with every intention not to wake Charlotte.

Derek slid under the covers next to me and ran his hand down my cheek.

"I don't think I've ever told you how beautiful you are," he smiled.

I blushed slightly, but with the darkness of the room, he had no idea. For an instant I couldn't believe my ears; it was so unlike him and I wondered why he said it. But simultaneously with my mind he knew what I was thinking; he knew that never in my life had someone called me beautiful. Sure, I was brains, all through school, not so much in college, but med school was a whole new place; I had always been brains, never a beauty, but that was fine by me; it meant I never had to worry about anything like a lip gloss or a sexy dress; I could sleep around but be forgotten.

"No one has ever called me beautiful…" I said softly.

"Well, you are beautiful," he answered. He leaned in and kissed me. But then he said something that I was not prepared for; something I had _never_ heard before. "And I am so proud of you,"

I felt tears roll down my cheeks.

"_Proud_?" I repeated.

"A world's worth of proud; more proud than anyone in the universe…" he smiled, pushing the tears off my cheeks.

"The _only_ person in the universe," I told him.

"Are you kidding?" he said. "Ever person in this house, in that hospital is proud of the person you have become! Within no time at all, you've completed a surgical internship and become a mother! And you know what, you're brilliant at it! You're a brilliant mother and a brilliant surgeon! It's hard to be brilliant at something you have only started; and that's how every great surgeon _and_ every great mother, for that fact, starts out!"

I smiled, left it at that; for a moment, I wanted that sentence to last a little longer. I fell back asleep for a little while.


	5. Dreaming

The next morning I rolled over to see the clock, it read 5:35am Chapter 1

The next morning I rolled over to see the clock, it read 5:35am. I saw that Derek and Charlotte were both still asleep and I eased my way out of the bed. I threw on some clothes quickly and Derek began to stir.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I'm just going for a run," I answered. "I'll be back soon," I leaned down and kissed him.

"But you don't run," he whispered.

"I do now," I replied.

"Don't go…" he smiled.

"I won't be long," I promised.

I ran for a while; thinking about a lot of things, reflecting on some wedding details Izzie had come up with and wondering just where my life was really going.

When I got home I walked upstairs to the bedroom where Charlotte was no longer there, Derek, on the other hand, was.

"I put her back in her own bed," he told me as I flopped down on him.

"Okay," I smiled and kissed him. "Hey, I actually have some things I need to do at the hospital a little early, so would you mind taking her to day care…?"

Derek looked uneasy.

"That's not going to be as easy as it sounds up here," he pointed to my head.

"You're the brain surgeon, you do the brain work!" I laughed as I went to get up. I wasn't quick enough, because Derek reached out and pulled me back to him as I started to laugh.

"So…wedding details…" he murmured against my lips.

"Don't need to worry about it," I replied. "It's not going to be anything big,"

"White dress?" he said softly.

"Hell no," I answered quickly. "I'd be just as happy to wear my scrubs,"

Derek frowned.

"A minister?" he asked.

"Justice of the peace," I replied.

"Anything?" he pressed.

"No! I told you, nothing big!" I cried. "You and me and a bunch of papers!"

I threw back the covers and jumped out of bed in a frustrated move.

"Meredith…" Derek called after me as I slammed the door behind me.

I walked down into the kitchen to be greeted by Izzie.

"Good morning sunshine!" she said happily.

"I'm going to work early, can you see to it that Charlie goes to day care with Derek?" I asked her.

"Whoa, who pushed your buttons this morning?" Izzie asked.

"Apparently I am not the perfect bride!" I snapped. I softened my tone and looked at her. "Sorry, I just really need to get to work…"

As I went to walk through those doors, something stopped me and for one minute, I realised I didn't want to go to work. So I stopped and whirled around, walking into the kitchen I snatched up the phone and rang the chief's office.

"Hi Patricia, it's Meredith, I can't come into work today…"

Not too much later I snuck back into bed and lied down; I closed my eyes and imagined my life a few years later…

"Mom!" I heard Charlie call. "Emma took my school book!"

I rolled my eyes and walked upstairs to Emma's room.

"Em, where is your sister's school book?" I asked her.

She looked up and flicked her dark and wavy hair away from her beautiful green eyes that looked so much like Derek's.

"I was colouring!" Emma cried handing me the school book.

At five years old, there is no boundary on anything.

"Emma…" I sighed. "How is Charlie going to hand in her homework now?"

"She didn't do it anyway!" Emma retorted.

I stopped.

"Charlotte Shepherd!" I yelled. I turned around and looked back at Emma. "And you, don't back chat to me please,"

Emma nodded.

"What mom?" Charlotte asked.

"Why didn't you do your homework?" I questioned.

Charlotte shrugged. At age ten, she was just becoming a young lady and with that came the attitude.

"Cut the attitude, and you can tell Miss Edwards why you have no homework…don't even think about blaming your sister," I told her. "Now hurry up because you'll be late,"

Charlotte nodded.

Derek walked out of the bathroom.

"Good morning," he smiled kissing his daughters and turning to kiss me on the lips.

"Ew!" the girls cried.

"Girls, go and see if Aunty Izzie has something for you to do!" I told them.

I watched them bound down the stairs and squeal.

I turned to Derek and smiled at him.

"Where does the time go?" I sighed. "It seems just yesterday that we got Charlie…and even sooner that Emma was born…"

Derek wrapped his arms around me.

"Yet we've made it…" he answered.

See, when saying something like that, it was now evidently the kiss of death. I whipped around to hear Emma yell.

"Stop it Charlie!"

I ran downstairs to find Charlotte leaning over Emma trying to pull a pen out of her hands.

"Charlie!" I cried. "Let go!"

Charlotte pulled back.

"Now why were you taking a pen from her…oh my god!" I looked down to see the entire kitchen bench covered with scrawls from the blue biro.

"Emma!" Derek cried as he entered the kitchen. "What did you do?"

"I was just changing the bench pictures!" Emma replied.

"I can see that quite clearly!" I answered. "You know the rules, Emma, I'm afraid you will have to go to a time out and we'll discuss the punishment of no TV for two days!"

"No TV! That's not fair!" Emma cried. "And I don't wanna go to time out!"

I picked her up off the bar stool and walked her into the lounge room.

"Sit on the lounge for five minutes and think about the way you just spoke to me!" I told her as I sat her down on the lounge.

I walked back into the kitchen where Charlotte was sitting on the other barstool staring at the drawings on the bench top.

"Charlie, you were supposed to watch her!" I said picking up the cloth and scrubbing furiously at the bench. "I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't even do it!"

"I _was_ watching her, but I needed to pack my lunch box because _you_ couldn't even do that!" Charlotte snapped.

"Watch your tone young lady!" I responded angrily.

"It's not fair that I need to be in charge of Emma!" Charlotte cried. "It's not fair that you're never home! Maybe she thought it was the only attention she could get, because she definitely isn't getting it from you!"

I looked at my daughter, a young lady I had never seen before; my little girl growing up before me. My eyes welled with tears and I walked up to my room where I lied down and closed my eyes.

I heard the door creak open and heard footsteps.

"Mom…" I heard Charlie's voice. "Mommy…"


	6. A Big Problem

The voices swirled in my mind and suddenly I was awake; back in my reality, looking again at my little girl Chapter 1

The voices swirled in my mind and suddenly I was awake; back in my reality, looking again at my little girl.

"Mommy…?" she whispered. "Mommy, are you sleeping?"

I smiled.

"No honey, I just had a quick nap…" I answered.

"How come you're not working?" Charlotte asked in a soft voice. "Are you sick?"

I shook my head and sat up.

"No, mommy just wants to stay at home today," I replied pulling her up onto the bed and letting her sit on my stomach.

"Can I stay here with you?" she asked lying down on my chest.

"If you want, but don't you want to go to day care?" I questioned.

Charlotte shook her head.

"They're mean to me," she said tearily.

"It's okay, you can stay here with me," I told her. I brushed a few tears that slightly escaped her eyes. "Where's daddy?"

"He's in the kitchen…are you upset with him?" she asked.

"What makes you say that?" I replied.

Charlotte looked down and traced the pattern on my t-shirt.

"Because he looks sad, and you didn't go down there and give him a kiss," she answered.

"Daddy is upset with me, I think," I told her. "Because mommy doesn't want the same wedding that daddy does, and it makes daddy very upset,"

"Can I be a flower girl?" Charlotte asked.

"I guess so," I replied, leaning in to kiss her nose. "Only if it is what you want,"

Charlotte nodded happily.

"Do you still love daddy?" she asked me.

"Of course I do," I replied. "I will never stop loving daddy, even if we argue…sometimes grown ups argue, but it doesn't mean they stop loving each other,"

Charlotte smiled.

"Can I go and tell daddy you're here?"

I nodded.

"Okay, make sure you tell Aunty Izzie that you're not going to day care," I told her.

Charlotte jumped off the bed and ran down the stairs; she made her way into the kitchen where she climbed up onto the bar stool.

"Mommy's upstairs," she told Derek.

"Don't be silly honey, she went to work," Derek answered.

"Nuh-uh, she's upstairs in bed, she called the hospital and told Richard she couldn't go to work, I think she is sick!" Charlotte concluded. "And then I asked her if she was upset with you and she thinks that you are mad at her about the wedding…but I want to be a flower girl and she said that would be okay…and, and then I asked her if she loves you and she said that grown ups argue a lot but she will never not love you and…"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down!" Derek cried. "So, mommy is in bed?"

Charlotte nodded.

"And I'm not going to day care," she told Izzie.

Izzie raised her eyebrows.

"Says who?" she asked.

"Mommy," Charlotte answered.

"Mommy's in bed?" Izzie questioned.

"That's what I just told you!" Charlotte cried, exasperated with all the questions. She tugged at Derek's arm. "Daddy, go kiss mommy and tell her you love her…I think she is sick,"

Derek smiled.

"Stay here with Aunty Izzie, and when I get back we will talk about day care…" he told her.

She nodded and winked at Izzie.

Derek came up to the room and saw me lying on my side.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he felt my forehead. "Charlie thinks that you are sick, so I just wanted to check that you don't have a fever,"

"I'm fine," I told him.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Because the little informant also said you rang Richard and said you couldn't come to work,"

"Correction, I rang Patricia, and yes, I am not going to work," I told him with a slight amount of bother in my voice. "Charlie said she doesn't want to go to day care, so rather than open _that_ can of worms, I just agreed for her to stay at home,"

Derek nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry I was so horrible before," he said. "It wasn't right to pressure you like that…I know big weddings aren't your thing, and I didn't want you to think that you were letting me down by not wanting that…"

I sighed heavily.

"I am marrying _you_ for who _you_ are, not who _I_ want you to be," he told me.

"Okay," I answered simply. I sat up and kissed his cheek. "That's fine,"

I walked downstairs as he still stood there with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Okay," he replied.

I entered the kitchen to find Izzie and Charlotte making toast.

"Want some toast mommy?" Charlotte asked me.

I shook my head.

"I'm not that hungry Charlie," I answered.

"See, I told you she was sick Aunty Izzie!" Charlotte looked back at Izzie with a frown.

Izzie walked over and just as Derek had done put her hand to my forehead. I pulled away.

"I'm fine!" I cried.

I heard the front door open.

"Okay, let's rock and roll women!" Cristina walked into the kitchen. She pulled Charlotte off the bar stool. "Go and get your dad kiddo,"

"Me and mommy aren't going to work!" Charlotte said.

"Excuse me?" Cristina replied. She grabbed my arm and felt my forehead.

I pulled back.

"Why the hell is everyone doing that?" I cried.

"Your temp is fine, so get your ass in gear and let's move!" Cristina told me.

I shook my head and took a bite of Charlotte's toast.

"Nope, I am staying home to hangout with Charlie, I need a day to think about some things!" I told Cristina who rolled her eyes.

"Kids…they suck the fun out of everything!" she murmured under her breath.

I whacked her in the arm.

"Charlie, go and put the TV on," I told Charlotte. I then turned back to Cristina who looked at me with an annoyed gaze. "What?" I asked her.

"So what's really wrong?" Cristina asked.

"I had a crap morning and I said some terrible things to Derek," I told her. "Actually, I said some horrible things…about him, about the wedding and I worry that if…"

Derek approached the other side of the door and stood where he listened to our conversation.

"I just worry that if I could say things like that to him now; imagine me when I've got two kids hanging off my arms and I can't even put together a school lunch!" I cried.

"Well you'll get some crazy pills and keep going," Cristina replied.

Derek chuckled; loudly enough that we heard him. I whipped around and looked back at Cristina. I walked around the other side of the door to see him standing there suppressing his laughter with his hand.

"Something funny?" I asked him.

Derek shrugged, but his giggles made his shoulders shake.

"C-can I talk to you?" he asked as his laughter came out in splutters.

I looked at Cristina.

"Go and play with your niece," I told her.

Cristina sighed deeply and walked into the lounge room where Charlotte was watching TV. Derek stopped laughing at looked at me intently.

"You okay?" he asked putting his hand to my cheek. "Because you seem not okay,"

I shrugged.

"Are _we_ okay?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Why wouldn't we be?" I asked him.

"Because you won't look at me," he answered.

For a minute I looked at the floor; I'd never noticed that there was a crack in the floorboards; things that sometimes I wouldn't notice unless I was being really picky – but I left the anal tendencies to Izzie these days. I felt his hand cup under my chin and pull me up to look at him where I couldn't move my gaze. I looked into his eyes; they twinkled at me so much that I couldn't believe how I'd hurt them. But there was something more in his eyes that I didn't see very often, a pleading look; a look that was pleading me to tell him what is wrong.

But when I needed it the most, he leaned over and kissed me and against all odds, all protest and all will power, I kissed him back. For some reason there were moments when his kiss was the only thing that could make me feel better; moments where my absence of mind was returned through the simple touch of his lips, when I knew that life couldn't get any better.

"I needed that," I told him. "And, I'm sorry…"

"For what?" he asked me as he leaned his forehead to mine while my back rested against the wall.

"For just…I dunno, being so distant…" I sighed.

"It's all you know," he answered. "Sometimes when it's all you know, you don't realise you're doing it…but I still love you, no matter what you do…no matter how much it hurts me…I will love you,"

"I know," I replied putting my hand to his cheek. "I just don't want to be five or so years down the track, trying to fix it and knowing it's irreparable because I didn't fix it when I could; I don't want to put Charlie through everything I went through with my mom…I look at my patient and I see everything that happened to me…all the things that my mom drove me to,"

Derek smiled and rubbed my back as his hand rested gently around my waistline.

"I know," he said softly. "Now, why is Charlie refusing to go to day care?"

"Because she wants to stay at home with me," I answered.

"I think it is best she goes to day care," Derek said.

"Coming from you who said you didn't want her going back," I laughed.

Derek shrugged.

"I'll talk to her," I sighed. "But I'm not going to work today,"

He smiled, leaned over and kissed me.

"I love you," he said,

"I love you too," I answered as I hugged him. I moved away from him to walk into the lounge room where Cristina was drawing with Charlotte. I looked down at the picture and laughed. "What are you doing?"

"Well, she couldn't colour in the lines so I am showing her!" Cristina protested.

I laughed and sat on the lounge where I pulled Charlotte into my lap.

"Honey, I think you should go to day care today," I told her.

Charlotte frowned.

"But…" she bit her lip. "I wanna stay with you,"

I shook my head.

"I just think its best that you go," I told her. "Only because you can't always stay at home with me and I don't want you to think that running away is the answer…you need to face things baby,"

Charlotte started to cry.

"I-I don't wanna go!" she sobbed. "Please mommy, I-I-I w-wanna stay with you!" her sobs became almost unbearable.

"Charlie," Derek pulled her off my lap and picked her up. "You need to go there,"

Charlie pulled herself out of his arms and slipped down onto the ground where she buried her head in a throw cushion and continued to cry.

I looked at Derek with a helpless look crossing my eyes; Izzie entered the room to find out what the commotion was all about.

"What's going on?" she asked looking at Charlotte.

"She doesn't want to leave her mom and go to day care," Cristina said with a huff. "And she doesn't realise that her cries are getting…" the volume in her voice increase. "…very loud!"

Izzie walked over and picked Charlotte up off the ground.

"Come on baby, let's go and get dressed," she told her.

Charlotte buried her head in Izzie's shoulder and continued to cry; the sound of her cries were deafening to my ears – it wasn't so much the volume, but it was the pain; the pain in her tears were what bothered me the most. I looked at Derek with anguish and worry, tears glistened in my eyes and for that moment I knew what it was like to be a mother; I knew my child's pain and that pain brought me to breaking point.

"You need to ride it out," Derek told me as he took my hands. "She will be fine,"

"I can't bear her crying," I said. "It's killing me!"

"Just ride it out," he whispered as he kissed me.

Upstairs in Charlotte's room, Izzie was finding clothes for her to wear.

"This skirt is pretty," she held up a pink ruffled skirt.

"Okay," Charlotte said softly.

Izzie pulled out a white shirt, a grey coloured vest and a pair of leggings. When Charlotte was dressed they walked back downstairs where I was sitting on the lounge.

"Come here baby," I smiled as I outstretched my arms.

Charlotte looked at me sadly and walked back into the kitchen; even at four years old, she knew how to ignore people.

"Charlie…" I called after her.

I walked into the kitchen to see Izzie getting Charlotte's back pack ready.

"I'll take her to day care," she told us.

I nodded and looked at Charlotte.

"I'll see you later," I said to her giving her a kiss on her forehead. "I love you,"

Charlotte looked the other way.

"I'm sorry honey," I sighed. "Have a great day,"

Izzie started walking and Charlotte started to cry all over again.

"I don't wanna go!" she sobbed. "Aunty Izzie, no!"

She freed herself from Izzie's grip and ran back to me where she threw her arms around me.

"I-I d-don't wanna g-g-go!" she cried harder. "Please, please mommy!"

George came downstairs.

"Charlie!" he cried. He raced over to us and knelt down in front of her as she continued to cry. "Its okay sweetie!" he stroked her cheek. "Uncle George is here," he hugged her tightly. "Now settle down,"

I felt tears escaping my eyes and I turned away so Charlotte wouldn't see me crying.

"It's time to go baby," Izzie said picking her up.

"You'll be fine," George told her. "You get them to page me if something goes wrong,"

Charlotte nodded.

"But you'll be okay," he said.

"Charlie," I hesitated.

Charlotte looked up at me.

"Have a nice day," I told her as I leaned over to kiss her one more time.

Derek kissed her cheek.

"I love you sweetheart," he said.

"Bye dad…" she answered quietly as she rested her head on Izzie's shoulder.

Izzie and Charlotte left momentarily, but I was still shaken by the whole account. Cristina had left just after Izzie and George was on his way out the door; Derek, on the other hand, was not leaving at this stage.

"Here have some coffee," he said. "I think you're just tired and I know how teary you get when you're tired,"

I sighed heavily.

"I felt so horrible making her go like that," I told him. "It's not fair on her,"

Derek nodded.

"I know," he answered. Suddenly his pager beep, but it was a look I hadn't seen before, he looked at me and grabbed the keys.

"Hey, hey…what's going on?" I asked holding his arm.

"I'll call you later, I need to go to the hospital," he said quickly.

"Who paged you?" I asked.

"The chief…" he answered, I knew it was a lie but I had to believe he had a damn good reason to be lying to me so I let it go. "I'll call you later," he gave me a quick kiss and ran out the door.


	7. A Hard Day's Night

When he arrived at the parking lot he saw George waiting for him out the front of the hospital entrance

When he arrived at the parking lot he saw George waiting for him out the front of the hospital entrance.

"What happened?" Derek asked.

"She is staging a protest," George answered.

"My daughter the picket liner," Derek sighed. "In the car or at the day care?"

"She's still in the car," George told him.

Derek ran over to the car to find Izzie leaning against the open door of the Jeep. Charlotte, on the other hand, had her hands firmly grasped around the seatbelt and was not letting go.

"Charlie…" Derek went to grab her hand. "Honey…" he said tentatively. "Let daddy undo your seatbelt,"

"No!" Charlotte said flatly.

"I tried to undo the seatbelt but she screamed so deadly, awfully bloody murder that the staring faces in the parking lot scared me," George explained.

"I tried too, but we had no luck," Izzie said.

Derek sighed heavily and knew this problem was bigger than him.

"Sweetie…" he said softly in the most pleading and crawling tone. "I need you to get out of the car.

"No!" Charlotte replied.

Derek reached over and touched her arm.

"Baby…" he sighed.

"I want mommy! I want to go home! I don't wanna go in there!" Charlotte started to cry again.

Derek rested his head against the car window shield.

Suddenly Bailey walked over to the car.

"O'Malley, can you go and cover for me in the pit, Stevens go and organise yours and Grey's interns, split them between yourself, Karev and Yang," she said.

Izzie nodded and George followed suit as they made their way into the hospital.

"Hey honey!" Bailey said to Charlotte. "Are you not going into the day care with Tuck today?"

Charlotte shook her head.

"I wanna go home to mommy," she told Bailey.

Bailey nodded.

"I see…well how about you go home and see mommy, but then I'll get daddy to bring you back in an hour and you can come work with me," Bailey suggested.

Charlotte nodded reluctantly but understood that it was the best bargain she'd been offered all morning.

"Okay," she sighed.

Derek put his hands on Bailey's shoulders gratefully.

"Thank you Miranda," he said. "Thank you so much,"

"Sometimes they just need their mom," she told him. "If she wants to come back that's okay, if not, just leave her at home today,"

Derek nodded and climbed into the car driving back home.

I heard the keys jingle in the lock as they entered the house; I walked into the hallway to see Charlotte's eyes light up.

"Mommy!" she said happily as she threw her arms around me.

"Hey!" I said. I looked up at Derek. "This was your page?"

He nodded.

"Staging a protest," he answered.

"Our daughter the activist," I laughed.

Derek nodded, relieved to see Charlotte with a smile on her face.

"I have to go anyway," he told me. "Lunch date?"

I nodded.

"I may be able to convince an intern to take her for a while," I answered.

Derek smiled, satisfied with that response and with one swift movement he grabbed my waist and kissed me and then forwarded to kiss Charlotte.

"Say, _I love you daddy_," I told Charlotte.

"I love you daddy," she smiled.

Derek kissed me once more.

"Love you," he said to me.

"I love _you_," I answered.

He walked out the door and Charlotte and I watched him. Sometimes there were moments when I wanted him to come back because it gave me comfort to know he was close. Sure there were times when it was the best thing for him to leave, but more than ever I loved having him here, I loved the security he gave me for every inch of insecurity I felt, I loved the warmth that I felt when he was near, taking away the chill of my darkest memories, but the way he loved me took away my world that had been consumed by years of hate.

Charlotte turned to me and flashed her teeth in a cheeky grin.

"What are we gonna do today mommy?" she asked.

I smiled at her and tipped her back giving her a tickle.

"We are going to clean the house and then we'll find something to do," I answered. "Now, let's go fold some laundry!"

Charlotte smiled at me and rubbed her nose to mine.

I sat her on the bench as we folded the laundry; I didn't quite realise what I was getting myself into when she held up a pair of red, lacy panties.

"Mommy, who's are these?" she asked wrinkling her nose.

I almost choked.

"They're Aunty Izzie's," I told her.

Charlotte put them on the pile where she turned back to me with a confused look.

"Mommy, why can't she just wear pink ones that are like mine?" she asked.

"Um…uh…well…" I started to say. "They're for big girls, like Aunty Izzie…but you don't need to worry about that,"

"Why?" Charlotte asked.

"Because you are too young," I answered.

"Do you have some like that?" Charlotte pressed; her curiosity was making me sink in my shoes.

"You don't need to worry about that Charlie," I told her. "Can you take your clothes up to your bedroom?"

Charlotte nodded and reached out for me to pull her off the bench; she then toddled up to her room with her clothes.

A good ten minutes passed with no sound from Charlotte and I knew that could only mean one thing – trouble.

"Charlie…?" I called hesitantly.

No answer.

I walked up the stairs a little fearful of what I was about to find. I opened her door and took a breath; but when I poked my head around the door I saw her lying on her bed, her cheeks resting on a piece of paper. I pulled her back and lied her down on the bed; I picked up the piece of paper and smiled, it was a drawing of her, Derek and me and scrawled on it was, in the most illegible handwriting, _I love mommy and daddy_.

I walked out of the room and picked up the phone dialling Derek's cell.

"Hey," I said as he answered the phone. "Can you get to a fax? You have to see this picture our daughter just drew,"

I faxed through the image and Derek started laughing when he got the picture.

"That's beautiful," he said.

"Well Mr. World Class Neurosurgeon, it was lovely to speak to you and I will be seeing you at lunch!" I told him with a giggle.

"Lunch?" he asked.

"Your daughter and I are coming in, just after she has her nap!" I replied.

"Great!" he smiled. "I'll see you then!"

I smiled and hung up the phone.

About an hour later, after I had mopped the floors, cleaned the bathroom and started preparing some things for dinner, Charlotte woke up and wandered down into the kitchen where I was reading the newspaper, more specifically, my horoscope.

"Hey!" I said happily as she climbed into my arms and rubbed her eyes sleepily. "Did you have a nice nap?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Do you wanna go have some lunch with daddy?" I suggested.

Her eyes lit up and she smiled excitedly.

"Well go and get your coat, its cold out," I told her as I ruffled her hair affectionately.

Charlotte bounded up the stairs and grabbed her coat, on her way back down she ran right into me making me drop a handful of bills I was moving.

"Whoa, hey slow down!" I told her.

"Sorry mommy," she answered. "I am just excited!"

"I know," I threw the bills on the counter and grabbed my handbag and the car keys.

We parked at the hospital and started walking to the entrance.

"Actually honey, I need to go downstairs and let them know why you weren't at day care," I told her.

I don't know if she just didn't hear me, but as we exited the elevator and headed towards the day care entrance, she grew fearful; I felt her grip tighten on my hand and she stopped and pulled me away.

"No mommy!" she started to cry.

"Charlie, let go!" I told her wondering why she was so worried.

"No, no, no!" she sobbed. "I don't wanna go!" she arched her back as I went to pick her up and threw herself on the ground. It was like one of those moments in the supermarket when you hear a child screaming and you turn to stare at the helpless mother sinking further and further into the ground with embarrassment.

"Charlie!" I cried. "What is wrong?"

"I'm not going!" she screamed at me.

I stopped dead in my tracks when the pitch came out so angrily. I almost felt mad; and then I just felt horrible. So I took her hand and headed back for the elevator, her screams still slightly deafening and her whole body trembling with fear.

I walked upstairs to the surgical floor where I met Derek at the nurses' station. He looked at Charlotte and instantly knew something was wrong.

"What happened?" he asked.

Charlotte continued to sob as she held my hand.

"Charlie!" Derek knelt down in front of her. "What's the matter?" he asked.

Charlotte threw her arms around him and started to cry harder.

"I went to the day care to let them know she was okay and would be back tomorrow…" I told him.

"And what did they say?" Derek asked.

"Well we got about as far as getting off the elevator," I answered. "And there was kicking and screaming and humiliation on my account with an uncontrollable child on the floor at the entrance!"

Derek shook his head and put his hands firmly on Charlotte's shoulders.

"Did we not talk about these tantrums?" he asked her.

"It's not her fault, I just don't know what to do," I sighed.

Derek looked at Charlotte sadly.

"You are a _big_ girl now," he told her. "So you need to use your words!"

I looked at Charlotte and sighed to myself; sometimes I wondered if I just wasn't cut out for this.

Derek ran his hand over my hair.

"Ready for lunch?" he asked.

I nodded.

The day was long and tiring and for a moment I didn't know how it would end; but at around 8:30 that night I put Charlotte to bed and found comfort in my own bed with a book to read and a calming cup of tea. I was reading for a while until I found my eyes drooping shut with the turn of every page; not realising how late it actually was, I turned over to read the clock and gasped when it read 12:37 am. I closed the book and lied down knowing that it wouldn't be long until Derek came home; with that thought in my mind I slowly fell asleep.

I woke momentarily to feel Derek climb into bed, as I opened my eyes the clock flashed a bright 3 am in my face.

"You're late," I commented softly.

"I know, I had a patient's aneurysm rupture as I was leaving at around ten thirty," he answered wrapping his arms around my body and feeling the warmth from under the covers circulate through his skin. "Goodnight," he whispered in my ear.

"Goodnight," I replied.

"It's a new day today," he said.

"I know," and with that I fell into a deep sleep.


	8. Words

I awoke to Charlotte climbing into bed in the early hours of the next morning, I knew it had to be early because the sun was slowly rising and peeking through the curtains Chapter 1

I awoke to Charlotte climbing into bed in the early hours of the next morning, I knew it had to be early because the sun was slowly rising and peeking through the curtains. I groaned and rolled over to face her.

"What are you doing awake so early?" I whispered.

"I can't sleep," she answered back, equally as quiet as she snuggled into my arms and closed her eyes. I lied there for a while and ran my hair through Charlotte's light curls; they got so knotty in the morning. I sighed heavily and rolled back over to face Derek; my eyes still shut and yet somehow I knew he was awake.

"I know you're not asleep," he told me.

I lied incredibly still, hoping that I could stay that way for a while.

"Meredith…you're not snoring, it means that you're awake," he nuzzled into my neck, his stubble gently tickling my skin.

"I couldn't go back to sleep," I murmured against his lips.

"I just wish I knew what was bothering her," Derek sighed, referring to Charlotte who looked as though she was sleeping quite soundly.

"Me too," I answered. "What time do you start?"

Derek looked over at the clock.

"Mmm…around 9, I have a surgery at 10." He answered. "What about you?"

"I have pre-rounds," I told him. "So I have to get up and go soon,"

Derek smiled at me and pulled my face close to him where he kissed me.

"Don't make plans for lunch, I want to take you and Charlie somewhere," he told me.

I nodded and kissed him one last time before moving out of bed.

Bailey was in a bad mood that day, a really, _really_ bad mood.

"Good morning Dr. Bailey!" I said cheerfully.

"Shut up and start your rounds on Naomi!" Bailey said in an angry tone.

"Problem?" I asked her.

Bailey whipped around.

"Let me see, where do I start…okay, my husband is not coming home; my child is punching people in day care and you are asking dumb questions as to why people result to self harm!" she exclaimed. "Dr. Grey, you are a perfect little size two, with your perfect Dr. McDreamy and your lovely little girl, so today, just _today_, I do not want to hear how crappy your life is!"

I frowned. _Now_ was the time for me to be there for Bailey.

"Miranda…" I sighed. "Do you want to just sit and talk for a minute?"

Bailey nodded and perched herself onto a nearby gurney; I followed suit and sat next to her.

"Have you spoken to Tucker?" I asked.

Bailey shook her head.

"And let's talk for a minute about this crap about _perfect size two_; try having this body in high school, I looked like a rake and got called _Bean Pole_…" I sighed. "McDreamy is more than a handful and Charlie…well let's not even go there,"

Bailey put her head in her hands; she looked vulnerable and weak, never known in the face of Miranda Bailey.

"God, I am like the President of people with crappy lives, the ruler of the Dark and Twisty world; the keeper of the saddest key and I've just learned that bad times are what make us better people…" I put my hand on her arm. "You're an extraordinary woman Miranda…don't let it get you down,"

I wandered into Naomi's room.

"Good morning!" I said cheerfully.

"Good morning Dr. Grey," she answered a little less happy than I.

After organising her a.m. labs, I wandered to the nurses' station where Olivia grabbed me.

"Meredith, there's been a call from the day care," she said breathlessly.

I groaned.

"Not again…" I sighed as Derek came over. I turned to him and sighed. "I have to go to the day care…"

"I'll come," he offered.

Derek and I made our way to the day care where Libby, the teacher met us.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, she is just refusing to move," Libby answered.

I looked over and saw Charlotte leaning against the wall with her arms folded.

"Protesting is her new way of getting what she wants," I explained apologetically as I walked over to her. "Up you get Charlotte!" I told her with a little anger in my voice.

Charlotte looked down at the floor.

"Charlotte Hannah Shepherd, I am going to count to three young lady!" I said furiously. "One…Two…" I hesitated and grabbed her arms to pick her up where she threw herself back.

"Let me go! You only want to leave me! I hate you!" Charlotte screamed. "You will just send me away!"

My face went white as a sheet and I fumbled for the right words; I was dumbstruck by the tingling and eerie coo of the words; it stung my ears and burnt the depths of my heart to hear so much pain in her voice. Derek had moved closer to us now and grabbed my arms to stop me falling over.

"Charlie…" I said tearily. "Don't say that to mommy…"

"You're not my mommy!" she shot back. "You don't love me!"

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks so I stopped and knelt in front of her.

"Charlie…I have to go back to work, but I will pick you up for lunch…" I whispered as I kissed her forehead.

As Derek and I moved back into the corridor, I burst into tears and with no words Derek knew exactly how I was feeling; with that thought in mind he wrapped his arms around me and I closed my eyes to feel his embrace take away the pain.

The day passed very slowly, I couldn't think of anything other than the words that burned the tips of her tongue.

_I hate you…you are not my real mommy!_

The words lingered in my mind and offered me no comfort to the extent of my emotion.

I arrived at the day care to find her solemn and quiet.

"Hey honey," I said softly as I kissed her forehead.

No response.

When we arrived back at the house Charlotte climbed out of her car seat and proceeded into the lounge room where she turned on the TV and lied on the lounge. Izzie walked out and sat down next to her.

"Hey precious!" she said cheerily.

No answer.

"Charlie…" Izzie pressed.

I sighed heavily and proceeded to sit on the lounge; as I did, Charlotte got up.

"Charlie…" I sighed.

With the absent response the last straw, I jumped off the lounge and picked her up, carrying her upstairs into my bedroom.

"Let's talk," I told her.

Charlotte looked down at the floor.

"Charlotte, you need to understand something," I propped her up on the pillows and leaned with my back to the headboard of the bed. "When I take you to day care, it is so I can go to work; I will never, ever leave you honey,"

Charlotte looked at me sadly.

"Sweetie, I love you _so_, _so_ much!" I ran my hands over her cheeks.

"But Nathan said…" Charlotte's voice trailed off.

"Nathan is a very mean, very insolent human being with a _very_ bad attitude." I said to her.

Charlotte nodded.

"But if I get in trouble, you might send me away!" she said.

I pulled her into my arms.

"Baby, I will never send you away, okay!" I promised. "I don't want you to go anywhere, but sometimes we need to be apart okay, when I go to work, you need to go to day care so that someone can look after you…"

Charlotte nodded and snuggled into my chest.

"I'm sorry I said I hate you…" she told me.

My heart melted at the sincerity of the apology.

"Honey, promise me that you will never say anything like that again, it made mommy so very sad!" I said.

She nodded again.

"I love you mommy,"

"I love you too Charlie," I answered.

7


	9. Wash Away My Fear

For the first time in a long while, Charlotte slept in her own bed; dreaming pleasant dreams that only she knew, imagining things we never thought possible

For the first time in a long while, Charlotte slept in her own bed; dreaming pleasant dreams that only she knew, imagining things we never thought possible. I, on the other hand, was lying with my eyes closed when I felt Derek stir lightly. I opened my eyes to see him wake.

"Hey pretty girl," he whispered sleepily.

"Hey," I said softly kissing his lips. "How did you sleep?"

He smiled against my kiss.

"Oh just fine," he answered as he kissed me again, seeking a little more than a kiss when he gave me a look.

"Don't…" I chuckled.

He looked at me and played dumb.

"Don't what?"

I pushed him back.

"Don't undress me with your eyes…" I leaned down to kiss him deeper and let my hands explore his face. "Undress me with your hands…"

His hands moved over my _Dartmouth_ shirt and felt for the exposure of any skin as he tugged at the waistband of my pyjama pants.

"Mmm…" I murmured against his lips. "Someone taught you Biology well Dr. Shepherd…"

Derek pulled at the waistband again.

"Too right…" he said pulling the covers over our heads.

Moments later I heard the door rattling in desperation.

"Mommy!" I heard Charlotte call.

"What is it honey?" I called back.

"Let me in!" she pounded on the door.

I threw Derek his pants and put my clothes on.

"Just a second sweetie!" I told her as I pulled my shirt over my head. I flicked the lock on the door and opened it to feel Charlotte burst through the door. She ran over to the bed and climbed on Derek.

"Hi daddy!" she said sweetly.

Derek smiled at her cheeriness.

"It's _very _early," he told her. "How come you're awake?"

"The sun woke me up!" Charlotte answered.

I groaned and flopped down on the bed heavily.

"On our day off the sun wakes her up…" I sighed.

"What are we doing today?" Charlotte asked.

"We are going fishing!" Derek answered.

I rolled my eyes as Charlotte clapped excitedly.

I leaned over the edge of the ferry dock later that morning, watching Charlotte and Derek fish together; I never really enjoyed it, but it was nice that Charlotte did so that her and Derek could share an interest. My worst fears, however, were about to be realised when Derek walked the three of us over to a boat. It wasn't a big boat, nor was it small enough to be a row boat.

"What is that?" I asked.

"A boat," Derek answered with a chuckle. "You know…it floats, carries people across bodies of water…"

"I know what a boat is Derek, I just want to know what we are doing looking at a boat…" I sighed.

Charlotte's eyes lit up.

"Can we go on it?" she asked.

"Yeah!" Derek said just as I said,

"No!"

Charlotte and Derek both looked at me.

"Aww! I wanna go on the boat!" Charlotte whined.

"No Charlie," I told her firmly.

"Why not?" Charlie exclaimed. "That's not fair!"

"Charlotte!" I said abruptly. "That is enough!"

"I have life jackets for her…" Derek interjected.

I shook my head.

"Derek, she is too little!" I cried.

"I am almost five!" Charlotte shot back holding up her hand of five fingers.

"Don't you trust me?" Derek asked with a hint of an annoyed tone. "I would never let anything happen to her!"

That was not the reason, but with the sadness in his voice I had to give in.

"Not out far and she stays sitting down the whole time!" I told him angrily.

"Well you can sit with her," Derek replied.

I looked worried.

"W-what?" I stammered.

"Get in!" Derek told me.

With all hesitation, I took his hand and stepped onto the boat. Before too long, we were about fifty metres from the ferry docks; I looked back at the stretch of the city slowly forming before my eyes.

"Mer, can you get me some water in the bucket please?" Derek passed me an empty bucket.

I took the bucket apprehensively and leaned over the edge.

"Careful…" Derek said as I leaned further and further over the edge.

Suddenly a jet ski flew past at a speed that startled me so much that I lost my balance with the rock of the boat and fell into the water.

"Mommy!" Charlotte screamed.

"Stay there and don't move!" Derek told Charlotte.

The water was icy cold and it was all too familiar to me; this water flooded my memories of falling off the dock twelve months ago. This memory splashed at my legs and feet as I tried to stop myself sinking; but I was drowning in the intensity of my thoughts.

For once, however, there was something that needed me to surface for air; something that pulled me afloat; it was Charlotte. Perhaps Derek contributed to this feeling but I knew that Charlotte was the entity of this equation; I wanted to live…realising that the swim and the fight equated to Charlotte.

I kicked hard at the heavy pull of the water and pushed myself to the surface where I grabbed hold of the boat and felt Derek pull my body up and over the edge.

"Are you okay?" he cried pulling a towel around me. "Oh Mer, honey I am so sorry!"

I didn't say a word; for a moment I could only think.

"Mommy!" Charlotte cried. "You fell in the water!"

I nodded.

"Are you okay?" she asked rubbing the towel just as I did to her when she got out of the bath.

"I'm okay," I told her. I turned to Derek with waves of panic consuming my eyes; stricken with discontent. "Can we go back?"

Derek nodded.

"Sure," he answered.

The car ride home from the dock was icy; although not as icy as the water, I felt all the warmth being sucked from the enclosed walls of the car.

We walked though the doors of the house and I made my way into the kitchen.

"Hey!" Izzie greeted us. "How was fishing…oh my god!" she stopped in her tracks when she saw me enter the kitchen, drenched from head to toe. "What happened to you? Were you the bait?"

I said nothing as I threw down my bag and headed upstairs for the shower.

All the heat and steam from the water couldn't however, take away the chill of my memories. I let the water trickle down my face and circulate through my bloodstream. The thoughts of what had happened enveloped my veins and frosted my heart to the point where I grew dizzy; faint; unsteady. The swaying motion of my body gave way; I then felt the heavy, hard thud of the shower floor against my body and suddenly everything went blank.

Derek had heard the thud from down in the kitchen; he looked at Izzie with fear.

"Daddy!" he heard Charlotte shriek.

Izzie and Derek ran upstairs.

"Mommy's asleep in the shower!" Charlotte said without any knowledge of what was really happening.

Derek whipped open the shower curtain to find me passed out.

Charlotte, not knowing what was wrong, started crying as Derek lifted up and carried me into the bedroom.

"W-what's wrong with mommy?" she sobbed. "Aunty Izzie, what's happening?"

Izzie grabbed Charlotte and took her into hers and George's bedroom while Derek closed the door behind him in ours. I started to regain consciousness as he clothed me and covered me with a blanket, knowing that I would indeed wake momentarily.

I opened my eyes slowly and adjusted to my surrounds.

"W-what…?" I stammered not knowing what was happening.

"You fainted…" he said quietly.

I put my hand to my head and felt beads of sweat form on the surface of my skin.

"I-I can't…" I said tearily.

"You were scared," he sighed tenderly as he ran his hand down my cheek.

I then remembered the feeling I had in the water; the flood of memories that overcame my subconscious and caused me to faint. With nothing but emotion in my eyes I looked at him and merely nodded; the utter experience was terrifying me and I couldn't bear the thought any longer. It was then, when I needed him the most, that he pulled his arms around me, cradling the distress I had shown; curing the hurt.

While the tears had surfaced I failed to let them flow and in almost every attempt to suppress them, suddenly they flowed down my cheeks. I was a mess; my sobs muffled by the pressure of his chest against my face, comforting me, loving me. Taking in every tear that fell, his shirt absorbed the moisture that leaked from my eyes.

A short while passed and I had seemingly calmed from my distress when I heard the doorknob turn softly. Derek raised his glance to see Izzie poke her head in.

"Everything okay?" she mouthed.

He nodded and continued to rub my back. But with all the kindness in the world, he reached for a hair brush and proceeded to comb my wet hair. The brush felt soft against the motion of his hands that comforted the feelings behind the harboured chills of my memories.

I then heard whispers outside the door and looked up as the creak of the opening revealed Charlotte. She wandered over to the bed nervously and traced the design on the quilt.

"Come up here honey," Derek patted a place next to us on the bed.

"Are you okay mommy?" Charlotte whispered.

I mustered a smile and looked up at her.

"Mommy just got a little scared today," I said hoarsely as I pulled her into my arms.

Charlotte reached over and pulled the brush from Derek's hand. She then started to take over from where he left off.

"I thought you never got scared mommy…" Charlotte said innocently.

Her naivety was expressed in the gentleness of her big, blue eyes which reflected all the sadness she felt from seeing her mother in distress.

When the brush reached my fringe she looked into my eyes. Green meeting blue in the depths of an ocean of fear, giving the first indication of how we were feeling in that moment.

I realised that the expectations to be fearless were consuming my thoughts. Fear was always something I avoided. But the rejection of fear did not make me courageous in the slightest; if anything, it showed just how much I resented the fear that came from my experiences in life. Charlotte climbed up into my lap and nestled her head on my shoulder, putting her tiny hand on my cheek.

"I'll be brave for you mommy," she whispered.

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek where it then slipped onto her forehead. She looked up at me and furrowed her brow in a gaze filled with confusion.

"Why are you crying?" she asked as her lip dropped and began to quiver. "I don't want you to be sad…"

I shook the tears away with a quick brush of my hand.

"I'm not sad…" I told her. "I am just so proud of you…"

Charlotte threw her arms around me.

"Where does it hurt?" she asked; again, her innocence protruded her question.

I pointed to my heart and head; as I did, Charlotte reached up and kissed my forehead.

"Feel better now?" she asked.

I nodded and smiled at her.

"You can always make me feel better," I replied.

Charlotte hugged me tighter than ever, taking away my fears; expelling the weakness of my heart; warming the chill of my ice cold memories.

8


	10. Syno or whatever

I lied in bed for a while that night just thinking; wondering; contemplating

I lied in bed for a while that night just thinking; wondering; contemplating. Okay so the synonyms weren't exactly masking my thoughts. I was alone in the bed, Derek was showering and it took every inch of willpower not to join him. But then a collision of thoughts brought me to my feet and straight into the bathroom where I stripped my clothes off and opened the shower.

Derek gave a yelp of shock when he felt my hands graze the skin of his back.

"You scared me!" he gasped.

I smiled wickedly and ran my hand down his abdomen, my eyes following the path of my fingertips; his excitement delivered in the reaction of his body. I pulled my hand away for a minute and allowed him to explore my body in return. His hands travelled up my arms and then back down the length of my stomach, tracing little circles on my hips. For a second I stopped his hand and looked into his eyes softly, getting lost in the midnight colouring; allowing myself to read him. He kissed me hard, his tongue pushing apart my closed lips and finding the warmth of my mouth as I allowed my tongue to tantalise his senses.

"We…" kiss "…can't…" kiss "do…this here…?"

"That's not a question," Derek answered through kisses. "You can…" kiss "…do the bendy thing…"

I rolled my eyes and pulled at his hands seductively as I moved to lie under the quilt on the bed. His eyes followed my every move and his instinct followed through to move onto the bed. As he sat on the bed his hands pulled the sheet away from me where I was then laying exposed and naked. His lips met my knees and travelled up from there, kissing the inner skin of my thighs, skimming up to my waistline where he proceeded to use his hands. They moved across the skin of my legs and hips; but they stopped when they met the place he intended. Just his lips teased mine; his fingers teased my body, lightly sliding over but not enough to stop and enter.

"Mmm…Derek…" I moaned. "That's not fair…"

Derek smiled cheekily as his hands created delights for my body that no one else could.

"Just do it now…I can't wait anymore…" I murmured as my hands gripped the sheets tightly.

He flipped himself on top of me where his eyes levelled to mine, allowing him to see everything I was feeling at that moment.

After the earthquake of emotion passed, we snuggled together, lightly feeling the aftershocks that still filled our bodies.

"That was…" I breathed.

"Wow…" Derek finished. "Amazing…incredible…unbelievable…"

"Stop with the syno…damn I can't even say it!" I cried. "Stop with the words that have the same meaning or whatever,"

Derek clasped his hands around my waist and pulled me on top of him.

"Again?" he asked with a famous McDreamy smile.

"I guess I could muster the energy," I chuckled kissing him.

And then it started again…back to the start…the beginning…okay, I was starting the syno…whatever.

But as timing would have it in this house, George proceeded to enter the room.

"Breakfast!" he called cheerily as he opened the door. "Ah!" he cried as he dropped the plate of toast all over the floor.

"Does anyone in this house knock?" I exclaimed pulling the sheet up around my chest.

"Oh god, I am so sorry Mer!" George said apologetically as he shielded his eyes. "I will just go and get Charlie out of bed okay...?"

I groaned and put my head on Derek's chest.

"We should get up," I sighed.

Momentarily I headed down for the kitchen and passed George in the stairwell; his cheeks turned a light shade of crimson.

"George…" I sighed. "This is why you knock…"

We both turned when we heard Izzie scream.

"Iz!" I cried as we both ran down the stairs.

We came to a screeching halt when we entered to be greeted by some black drawings all over the wall.

"Oh…" I started.

"My…" George continued.

"God…" Izzie breathed.

The culprit turned around.

"Charlie…" I whispered in shock. "What did you do?"

"I wanted to draw our family!" Charlie exclaimed strongly proud of her accomplishment; Izzie's jaw gaped in horror. "Like a picture we hang on the wall,"

George raced over to Izzie's side and rubbed her shoulders.

"Don't get mad Iz…calm down…it's just texta…" he coaxed.

Izzie couldn't muster a sound.

"I-I-think…I think I need to sit down…" Izzie put her hand to her forehead and looked down at the table, trying her best to look away from the wall.

I looked at Charlotte, not knowing how to make this serious for her.

"Charlie…as um, honourable as your intentions were, you know we are not supposed to draw on the wall…so I am going to ask you…what you were thinking." I cried.

"Y-you don't like it?" Charlie asked, her lower lip quivering.

"I love your drawings, just not on the wall, okay," I told her. "Now, I'll buy some paint and we will paint over it okay!"

I looked at Izzie.

"Okay?" I asked her again.

She nodded.

The hospital was overrun that morning; we had several residents out with the flu and it meant that we were taking on more than our own interns.

"George!" I called.

George whipped around.

"I need you to round on Naomi on your own," I told him as I started to feel a wave of nausea hit me. I suppressed it.

"You okay?" George put his hand on mine. "Coz that flu thing is going around,"

"I'm fine," I answered. "I've still got a bit of time; let's go round on Naomi…"

"But you just said…" George started.

I gave him a steely glare.

"Okay, let's go," George said following me into Naomi's room.

As we entered the room I saw a tray of untouched food sitting in front of her.

"Good morning," I said with a smile. I eyed the plate. "How are you feeling? Have you eaten?"

Naomi shook her head.

"I don't feel like eating," she answered.

I sighed heavily.

"I can't discharge you until you eat something," I told her.

Naomi looked at the plate and let tears roll down her cheeks.

"I am just…I don't…I just want someone to love me…" she started to cry.

George stood at the edge of the door and leaned against it.

I felt a wave of tears come over me as I rushed to the side of her bed.

"Oh honey, I know," I said hugging her. "Sometimes we go to great lengths just to be loved; just to seek approval,"

Naomi clung to me and continued to sob.

"Naomi, you are fifteen years old, one day you are going to realise that being yourself is so much better than trying to be someone else," I told her. "All you need to remember is that _you_ are beautiful and _you_ do not need anyone to be the great person you are,"

George smiled at us.

On our way to collect more interns for rounds I felt the tug of someone's hands on my coat; with all belief that it was Sloan, I whipped around and went to hit.

"Whoa, whoa!" Derek cried as he ducked out of the way.

I laughed.

"Sorry!" I said giggling.

Cristina walked past and cleared her throat.

"God, flu bugs are screwing my whole day, you know I thought my own interns were clueless and annoying, now I am tolerating another bunch of crappy, sloppy interns who make it their goal in life to cause me misery!" she groaned.

"Morons," I chimed in.

"Idiots," Cristina added.

"Standing right here," George told us.

"Bambi, go hide in your cave from the hunter and take your squirrel and bunny intern friends with you!" Cristina shot back.

I nudged her.

"Cristina…" Derek said.

"McDreamy, don't open your mouth!" Cristina retorted.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I cried.

Cristina shrugged.

"I'm tired and Bailey has put me on the morning labs," she whined. "I just need a surgery to get me out of this rut!"

I laughed as Derek pulled my hands, directing my eyes to his.

"Lunch?" he asked.

"Home?" I answered.

"Perfect," he said kissing my cheek and walking away.

"Oh you've become _that_ couple," Cristina said rolling her eyes.

I looked at her confused.

"_That_ couple?" I asked.

"The one couple who share food, finish each others' sentences, know what they're both thinking…" Cristina elaborated.

I laughed.

"That's just love," I smiled.

Cristina almost choked on her coffee.

"_Love_?" she repeated. "You don't care about love,"

"People change," I told her. "You know like Naomi tried to change to impress her mother, I changed when Charlie came along…you will change eventually,"

Cristina shook her head.

"I hate change," she answered.

I nodded.

"I do too," I put my arm around her and rested my head on her shoulder. I then couldn't suppress the nauseous feeling that came over me. "Oh god…" I ran to the bin and threw up.

"Crap, what is up with you…oh god you can't get sick! I don't want your interns!" Cristina said in a sickening tone.

"I'm not sick," I told her, but deep down I knew it was only a matter of time.


	11. Author's Note

A/N: Just a small thanks to the lovely readers who have been reviewing the fic

**A/N: Just a small thanks to the lovely readers who have been reviewing the fic. I really appreciate it!**

**Ah, so now we have seen the result of Charlie's day care woes and Mer's worst fears realised which I think is essentially the idea I was going for. But I'm in a rut…where do I go next?? I am thinking of doing the wedding in a further chapter but I'm going to throw a little spin on it.**

**Remember when Mer said something about her scrubs being enough to get married in…? Perhaps she just might do that. Cristina and the bitchiness had to come out eventually, but the resentment is kind of masked – how do I approach that??**

**I'm glad everyone likes little Charlie, I am pretty crazy bout her myself. **

**Any ideas pass them on in reviews!**

**Thanks again you guys, you are all lovely as!**


	12. Changes

I stared blankly at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test

I stared blankly at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test.

"Shit…" I breathed. "This isn't good…this isn't good…"

_Or maybe it was_.

All I could think about was one thing.

Derek.

I put the test back into the package and slipped it into my handbag as I left the bathroom and made my way to Derek's office. I hesitated for a moment as I went to knock on his door.

"How's my favourite dirty mistress?" came Mark's voice.

I whipped around.

"Mark, you scared me!" I said breathing heavily.

"You knock on his door?" he asked me.

I shrugged listlessly.

"What, just in case he is keeping another slutty intern on the side?" Mark joked. I looked at him with a gaping jaw. "Oh, don't worry; I know you'll always be his favourite!"

I gave him a nudge.

"Can you keep a secret?"

_Stupid question, this was Mark Sloan._

"For my favourite adulterous whore, I would take it to the grave," he answered.

"I have to tell him something and I am scared…" I told him.

"Take Charlie, she's fearless!" Mark laughed. "No, seriously, she kicked me in the shins and told me she would beat me up!"

"Oh, she's only four," I smiled. "She loves her Uncle Mark!"

"Uncle Mark?" Mark repeated. "How about Uncle McSteamy?" he smiled cheekily.

I frowned.

"I don't want my daughter thinking of you as a man whore, so no, let's stick to Uncle Mark; or if you're not careful, I'll tell her to call you Uncle Snuggles!" I teased.

"Don't you dare Grey!" Mark shot back.

I smiled and twisted the doorknob to Derek's office and entered slowly.

Derek looked up from his desk and smiled.

"Hey beautiful!" he stood up and moved swiftly to pull me into his arms. "I missed you," he said as he kissed me and pulled me down onto the lounge as I straddled his waist and felt his hand rubbing my stomach; it was almost as if he knew…

I moved his hand away and rested mine around his neck.

"What is it?" he asked, deep down knowing something was truly wrong. "Mer…"

I blinked back tears and swallowed a lump in my throat.

"Meredith…" Derek pressed.

I reached into my handbag and pulled out the pregnancy test.

"Oh my…" Derek put his hand to his mouth.

I was worried; his eyes showed a mixture of emotions that I could not read, not even if I tried my damn hardest.

"Derek…" I said softly. "Say something…please…"

His hand still to his mouth, he managed a word.

"Crap…"

I pulled away from him and fumbled for my handbag as I went to leave.

"Happy…" he whispered.

"Excuse me?" I stopped as I grabbed the doorknob.

"I'm happy…" he told me.

I turned around to see a smile curl on his lips and excitement fill his eyes.

"You're…we're going to have a baby?" he asked.

I nodded.

He bounced out of the lounge and pulled me back into his arms; spinning me around and pulling me back down onto a chair where my legs dangled over the side of his thighs. He kissed me softly and then pulled me closer so that he could deepen his kiss through the passion of his touch.

"I love you," he murmured through kisses as he rested his hands on my stomach sending shivers through my spine.

"Me too…" I answered as I nestled my head under his chin, it always fitted so perfectly and for a moment, everything…all the pain seemed to wash away.

A few hours later I wandered along the corridor where I bumped right into Mark.

"Hey sexy momma!" he said brushing his hand on my stomach.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

"W-what?" I asked.

"I'm not stupid, I look it and sometimes I say stupid things…" he rambled on and on.

"Derek told you," I concluded.

He nodded with a beaming smile.

"My dirty mistress is growing up!" he smiled.

I smiled back at him.

"I hate change," I told him. "And this…well this is as big of a change as it comes!"

Mark offered a gaze of sympathy and held my hand.

"Mer, you are halfway there, look at Charlie…" he sighed.

"And now it's double the trouble!" I cried.

Mark laughed.

"I heard about this morning…she may become an artist!" he mused.

"Mmm…" I said with a chuckle. "I better get back to work,"

Bailey approached me.

"Grey!" she said.

I whipped around.

"Hey," I answered.

Bailey looked at me intently.

"How far along are you?" she asked.

I almost choked.

"H-have you spoken to Derek?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"Grey, you have been nauseous, complaining of bad smells…your best friend tequila is nowhere to be seen, and by the looks of you, you've gone up a bra size!" she answered.

I had nothing to say.

"I just found out today," I told her.

She nodded approvingly.

"Congrats," she said as she put her hand on my arm and walked away.

My phone rang and as I flipped it open I noticed it was Cristina.

"Hey!" I said.

"Where are you? We were supposed to meet at Joe's!" Cristina told me.

I looked at the time.

"Okay, I've got a little bit before I have to pick up Charlie, so I'll be there soon," I hung up the phone.

At Joe's I sat down and ordered some water.

"Water?" Cristina cried. "God, so unlike Mer…"

I shrugged.

"Don't feel like tequila…" I told her.

Alex and Izzie nearly choked.

"God! What are you pregnant or something…?" Izzie cried.

I sculled back some more water and didn't dare say a thing.

"Oh my god!" Cristina slammed her glass down on the bar.

"You're pregnant?" Alex cried.

At that moment George and Lexie walked over.

"You're pregnant?" they both exclaimed.

Izzie jumped off her stool and threw her arms around me.

"Oh my god, oh my god!"

I laughed.

"Iz…settle down," I said. "I only found out today,"

Cristina looked dumbfounded.

"You're pregnant?" she repeated.

"A dream come true Meredith!" Lexie smiled as she patted my stomach like the protective sister she was.

George leaned down and stared at my belly.

"Hello in there!" he said. "Oh little one, we can't wait to meet you!"

Izzie smiled and pulled him back to her.

"Come here, you're being all womanly," she joked.

George frowned and then pulled her to him for a passionate kiss.

"Not so womanly now," he said softly as he turned to the bar. "A beer please, Joe,"

Izzie remained quiet for a while.

That night when Charlotte was in bed, I climbed into my own bed; I was tired and starting to nod off during her story.

I felt Derek climb into bed and wrap the covers around us tightly.

"I love you…" he said softly. "I love you so much,"

I pulled his arms around me and let one of his hands gently touch my bare stomach, guarding the growing embryo where it would soon form to be our child.


	13. Consoling and Consultations

I walked into the residents' lounge the next morning

I walked into the residents' lounge the next morning. I blamed the hormones for why I was so emotional that particular day. As I piled my handbag into the cubby I looked closely at the picture of Charlie; thinking about her being distressed in the day care made me swallow back tears; even more so, thinking about the way she tried to take care of me caused my tears to overflow from my eyes; I started to cry. As I put my head in my hands, Alex walked in.

"Whoa…not a hormone surge this early in the morning?" he asked.

I looked up at him and choked on my sobs.

"I-I just…I don't…I hate crying!" I cried.

Cristina walked in and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me crying; she looked at Alex furiously.

"What did you do Evil Spawn?" she asked angrily.

"Nothing Yang!" Alex sho back.

"You do realise that McDreamy is going to go all McAss Kick on you!" Cristina told him.

I wiped away my tears.

"He didn't do anything," I assured her.

Cristina huffed.

"Have you had a consult yet?" Alex asked.

"An OB consult? Not yet," I replied.

"I'll get Addison to clear her schedule," Alex told me kindly.

"Thanks Alex," I answered.

Derek wandered into the room and saw my tear streaked face.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately concerned, he rushed over and instinctively put his hand on my stomach.

"Hormone surge," Cristina told him.

Derek raised his eyebrows.

"Hmm…" he pondered. "Are you sure you're okay to work?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly.

"Are you sure?" Derek pressed.

"She said that she is fine!" came a voice at the door.

We all turned around to see Bailey.

"Rounds, all of you…go!" she told us.

As I got up she grabbed my arm.

"Except you," she said.

"Dr. Bailey, I am fine!" I told her with an ounce of anguish.

Bailey sighed heavily.

"Dr. Grey, I have been there before…if you are forgetting; not only that, I am more than aware of your medical history with your last pregnancy!" she exclaimed. "So don't _Dr. Bailey_ me! Right now, you are going to listen and listen damn well at that!"

I took a deep breath and put my head in my hands.

"If I stop and think about it, I want to cry…" I told her.

Derek put his hand on my arm lovingly.

"Mer, maybe you should listen to Dr. Bailey…at least until you get the okay from Addison…" he said softly.

"Maybe just shut up for a second and let me think!" I yelled.

Bailey and Derek went silent; silent and still.

Derek then took it upon himself to leave the room, giving me a light kiss on the forehead before he left.

"Take it easy," he whispered kindly; it was then that I realised how horrible it was to yell at him. "I love you,"

I smiled faintly at him before he left the room.

"Dr. Montgomery is in a consult right now…" Bailey informed me. "She will come and get you when she is ready; until then…" her voice softened. "_Please_ stay here,"

I nodded sullenly and watched her leave the room.

Momentarily, Izzie entered whistling to herself.

"Hey you!" she said cheerily. She patted my belly. "Hi baby,"

I cleared my throat.

"Have you seen Addison?" I asked her.

"She passed me on my way here, said she was going to come and get you," Izzie answered.

I nodded and looked down.

"Having a hormonal day?" Izzie asked.

I nodded again.

"I yelled at Derek…and Dr. Bailey, I didn't mean to, I just did," I sighed. "God, what if I am awful to Charlie…she doesn't deserve that,"

Izzie smiled and rubbed my back.

"You'll be fine," she said. "Everything will be okay – unless you yell at Bailey again, in which case, she'll kick your ass!"

Addison walked into the room.

"Meredith, I'll take you for a consult now," she smiled.

I looked up and smiled back.

"Hey Addie," I said as she put a comforting hand on my arm.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Hormonal," I replied.

Addison laughed.

"That's normal," she told me.

Izzie shrugged.

"I told you," she said.

I laughed at Izzie.

"Iz, I'll see you soon," I told her as I followed Addison to a consult room.

"Legs up!" she directed as I sat in my gown on the exam chair, I looked around the room and chuckled to myself; this was the prom exam room…oh how awkward.

I almost felt uncomfortable in the exam, sitting with my legs in stirrups and Addison taking a nice look at the goods.

"Relax Mer, I do this all the time…" she could tell I was nervous.

"It's just a little awkward having your fiancé's ex wife checking out your…well…down there…" I told her with a nervous chuckle.

Addison laughed.

"I know, but it will be over in a second if you just…" she pushed on my knees. "Try and relax your legs,"

I sighed heavily and waited for it to be over.

After a while, I was propped against the pillow looking at a screen with an image of the embryo.

"You're actually about seven weeks Mer," Addison observed. "How did you not pick up on this sooner? When was your last period?"

I shrugged.

"I'm not a regular person, sometimes they will come and go eight weeks apart…" I answered.

Addison frowned.

"Any history of endometriosis in the family?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"I'm an only child; my mother never divulged details of her menstrual cycle so I wouldn't have a clue," I replied.

"I'll run some labs, in the meantime, take it easy, don't exceed twelve hour shifts and try and keep your fluids up," Addison said. "I don't want you to think that this is going to be a walk in the park because it will not be an easy pregnancy,"

I nodded and suddenly wondered what I had gotten myself into.

"Will I be able to have this baby Addison?" I asked her.

Addison nodded.

"Meredith, there is all hope to believe that this baby will develop into a normal, healthy child; but at the moment, just take it easy," she promised.

I walked out of the exam room and straight into Derek.

"Hey," he smiled.

I put my arms around him.

"Derek I love you," I told him as I kissed his lips. "I'm so sorry for yelling at you…" tears streamed down my cheeks. "I'm sorry for being so horrible,"

Derek smiled at me and held me close.

"Everything will be okay…" he said softly.

I allowed myself to be held for a little longer with all hope that it would be okay; but every fear that it wouldn't.


	14. Time To Tell

Derek must have left for work early the next morning because when the phone rang, there was no-one to pick it up

Derek must have left for work early the next morning because when the phone rang, there was no-one to pick it up.

"Hello?"

The next thing I heard was Cristina.

"Are you aware that I am on your front porch, or can you not hear?"

I groaned.

"One second," I hung up the phone and rolled over to see Charlotte lying next to me.

"What are you doing in my bed?" I asked her.

"I couldn't sleep…" she smiled.

I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"Let's go let Aunty Cristina inside," I carried her downstairs. "My, you're getting heavy," I said.

"That's coz I am almost five!" Charlotte answered.

"You certainly are!" I smiled at her and opened the door to see Cristina waiting impatiently. "Hey! I don't remember organising something today…"

Cristina frowned.

"That's because we never," she told me.

I put Charlotte down.

"Go watch some television honey," I directed.

She nodded and bounced off into the lounge room.

"Have you told her?" Cristina asked.

I shook my head.

"Nope, I'm still trying to work out how…" I sighed.

"Well once you start getting a fat ass and a bulging belly, I think she'll ask some questions!" Cristina said.

I rolled my eyes.

"I will tell her…when the time is right," I replied. "Coffee?"

"Not if you made it," Cristina said.

My eyes widened.

"I can make coffee, it's not that hard!" I told her indignantly.

"So why does it seem so difficult for you and taste so gross?" Cristina asked pulling the coffee pot from my hand. "Let me do it, you just sit down and have a tea or whatever,"

I chuckled slightly and poured a cup of tea.

"Charlie!" I called. "Do you want some breakfast?"

Charlie raced in.

"Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!" she exclaimed.

"No way," I told her. "It's muesli this morning,"

Charlotte frowned.

"Don't pout or no breakfast for you!" I warned.

"How about toast?" Charlotte pestered.

"Okay," I gave in to her.

Cristina shook her head.

"Soft," she told me.

I shrugged.

"She's a good girl," I smiled ruffling Charlotte's hair.

Charlotte looked up and puckered her lips for a kiss.

"Oh of course," I laughed giving her a kiss.

Charlotte gripped my face in her hands as I pulled her up into my arms.

"I love being your special girl mommy," she nuzzled my neck. "Will I be like that always?"

I took a deep breath and looked at Cristina.

"Yes sweetheart, you will be," I said.

Cristina almost choked on her coffee.

"I just remembered that I have things to do today," she said quickly. "I'll see you later!"

"Cristina!" I whispered furiously.

"Bye Charlie!" Cristina called over her shoulder.

Charlotte climbed up onto the barstool and leaned over the counter to pull the plate of toast to her.

"Mmm…" I tapped her hand. "Share with mommy!"

Charlotte handed me a piece of toast.

"Thank you," I smiled.

I knew that it had to come out sooner or later.

"Sweetie…" I started. "Mommy has something to tell you,"

Charlotte looked at me intently and I picked her up and carried her into the lounge room where I sat with her on the lounge. I took her hands and rested them on my stomach.

"How would you feel about being a big sister?" I asked her.

"That sounds fun!" Charlie said beaming.

"Well, you're going to be a big sister…" I told her.

Charlotte looked confused.

"But where is the baby?" she asked.

I pressed her hands gently to my stomach.

"Right in here," I whispered to her.

"There's a baby in there?" Charlotte asked.

I nodded.

Charlotte smiled distantly and rested her head on my chest.

"When is daddy coming home?" she asked.

"Later honey," I answered.

Charlotte climbed out of my lap and ran into the kitchen where I followed her. She grabbed one more bite of toast and made her way back upstairs where I heard the door closed.

"Charlie?" I called. "Charlie…" I raced upstairs and knocked on the door. "Can I come in honey?"

No answer.

As I opened the door she looked up from her tea party table.

"Are you having a tea party?" I asked her.

She nodded.

"Are you upset about the baby?" I pressed.

"No…" came a small voice.

I sat down next to her and ran my hand down her cheek.

"You're still my little girl…" I told her. "It won't change with the baby,"

"It won't?" Charlotte asked.

I shook my head.

"Never baby, never will there be another Charlie, and never will there be a little girl who made her mommy the happiest person in the world!" I promised.

Charlotte got up and wrapped her arms around me.

"I love you so much," I told her. "Always Charlie, I will _always_ love you!"

Charlotte clung to me and for a minute let her hand rest on my stomach almost instinctively.

"I'll love the baby too mommy," she said. "If you want me to, I will love the baby,"

I smiled and squeezed her tightly.

"You are going to be the best big sister!" I told her.


	15. Walking Away

I spent most of the day tidying the house, attempting to be slightly domestic; up until which time when Derek decided to stop by for lunch Chapter 1

I spent most of the day tidying the house, attempting to be slightly domestic; up until which time when Derek decided to stop by for lunch.

"Hey!" I said surprised to see him walk through the door.

He leaned over the bench to kiss me as I propped myself up against the counter top.

"Hi," he said smiling.

I heard a rush of footsteps on the second floor and a pair of feet start running down the stairs.

"Daddy!" Charlotte exclaimed.

"There she is!" Derek said lifting her up. "Oh my big, strong girl, you are getting too heavy princess!"

Charlotte shrugged.

"I'm nearly five!" she cried holding up her hand of five fingers.

"So you keep reminding us!" I smiled at her.

"Daddy, I'm going to be a big sister!" Charlotte exclaimed.

Derek raised his eyebrows.

"Y-yes you are…" he said hesitantly.

And with that remark Charlotte bounded back up the stairs.

Derek turned and looked at me, almost angrily.

"You told her?" he cried.

I frowned.

"Um…yeah, she's our daughter, we're having a baby…of course I told her!" I answered.

Derek folded his arms.

"What if something were to happen?" he asked.

"Excuse me?" I said.

It was now my turn to get angry.

"How the hell are you going to be able to explain that to her?" Derek was furious now.

I felt tears on the brink of my eyes.

"You know your medical history with pregnancy!" Derek continued to yell. "This baby might not even happen!"

The words stung my ears, burning into my brain, scarring my senses.

"How dare you!" I screamed. "I told _our_ daughter about _our_ baby so that I could not only prepare her, but so I could prepare myself for a massive life change!"

Derek stood still.

"Did you even think about asking me how I felt about telling her – no!" his shouts echoed through the house. "Because once again, Meredith Grey cannot think about anyone else _but_ Meredith Grey!"

"I didn't think I needed permission to talk about things with _my_ daughter!" I yelled.

"_Our_ daughter, Meredith!" Derek shot back.

"I wouldn't throw that around so loosely if I were you…" I muttered.

"Excuse me?" Derek said loudly.

Charlotte poked her head around the door tentatively; our shouts must have frightened her.

"Daddy…" she said quietly.

"Not now Charlie!" Derek snapped.

Charlotte burst into tears and ran back upstairs.

I shot Derek a furious look.

"Don't you dare yell at her!" I ran back upstairs to Charlotte's room. "Come on baby, let's go out,"

I carried her downstairs and walked past Derek.

"Don't walk out on this fight Meredith…" he pleaded; his eyes glistening with tears.

"I need to think…" I said as I turned to walk out the door.

Charlotte looked sadly over my shoulder at Derek as we left.

I strapped her into the car seat and sat in the driver's seat; I flicked the rear view mirror to take a look at her stunning blue eyes tearing.

"You okay baby?" I asked.

"Why did daddy yell at me?" she asked sadly.

"Daddy was upset with mommy so he yelled…" I answered. "It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong…"

"Mommy, can't you just say you're sorry…?" Charlotte asked.

I shook my head.

"No honey, it's not that simple…" I sighed.

"Why?" Charlotte asked.

I shrugged.

"I'm not sure sweetheart…" I told her. "But how about we go and get some lunch somewhere?"

Charlotte shook her head.

"I wanna go back and see daddy," she said.

I took a deep breath.

"Let's go inside then," I sighed.

We walked back inside and Charlotte ran over to Derek.

"Daddy…" she put her hands on his.

Derek looked up and caught my hurt gaze before I proceeded to walk back to the bedroom where I locked my door.

Meanwhile, Derek and Charlotte were sitting together on the lounge.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you before honey," Derek sighed. "I was upset, but it doesn't mean I should take it out on my little princess…"

Charlotte leaned up and kissed his cheek.

"Don't be mad at mommy…" she sighed.

Derek grazed her forehead with his fingertips.

"I could never be mad at mommy or you for that matter…sometimes grown ups say awful things to each other…but it works itself out…" he told Charlotte. "Put a movie on honey and I'll be back down soon, okay?"

Charlotte smiled and climbed off the lounge.

Upstairs I lied on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to block out the soft knock at the door.

"Meredith…" Derek said softly. "I need to talk to you…"

"Don't…" I said. "I can't talk about it right now…"

Derek pressed his forehead against the door and sighed heavily.

"Charlie is watching TV and I'll just be at the hospital…" he said.

I took a deep breath and started to cry as I heard him walk away; a sound so familiar to me; reminding me of when my dad left.

"Don't leave…please don't walk out on this family…" I whispered as I heard his car drive away.


	16. Absence

I assumed that Derek had stayed at the trailer that night because he didn't come home

I assumed that Derek had stayed at the trailer that night because he didn't come home. It was in the early hours of the morning that I realised this situation was out of hand.

"Daddy…" I heard Charlotte cry softly. "Daddy…come back…"

I jumped out of bed and ran into Izzie in the hallway, she was also answering to the cries.

"It's okay honey, mommy and Aunty Izzie are here," I rushed into the room where I pulled her up off the bed realising she was drenched in sweat.

"Oh honey…did you have a bad dream?" I asked.

"Daddy's not coming home…he's never coming back!" Charlotte sobbed in my arms.

I looked at Izzie sadly.

"He…he just had to work late…he's staying at the hospital…" I lied.

"No!" Charlotte sobbed. "It's not true! I heard you tell Aunty Izzie that he isn't coming home!"

I stroked her hair and held her tightly.

"He'll come back sweetie…" I told her.

"Mommy…you're not telling the truth!" Charlotte cried harder. "I want daddy!"

Izzie wiped away a couple of tears and looked at Charlotte and I; all she saw were the foundations of a broken family, a sight that just like me, she knew all too well.

I felt Charlotte's temperature soaring and when I looked at her I saw that her eyes looked glassy and her face was pale.

"Do you feel okay?" I asked her.

Charlotte shook her head.

"Are you going to be sick?" I said hesitantly.

I then felt Charlotte's little body heave in my arms as she sprayed vomit all over the bed. She trembled violently as her tears flowed. Covered in vomit, I picked her up off the bed.

"Oh sweetheart…" I sighed. "Come on honey, I'll put you in the bath…" just as I said that, her body hauled again and covered the floor with vomit.

She sobbed harder as her little body couldn't take the pressure anymore.

I felt tears form in my eyes as I carried my sick little girl into the bathroom where Izzie followed us. She turned on the bath taps and ran some water for me to put Charlotte in. as I took off her pyjamas I saw beads of sweat forming over her skin and I knew then that she was sick; this wasn't fear, my little baby was sick and I knew that there was only one thing that could make her feel better.

Charlotte trembled as I lowered her into the bath.

"Mommy…I-I want daddy…" she said sadly.

"I know honey," I sighed.

Izzie sat on the floor next to me as I tried to wash the vomit from Charlotte's hair.

"You need to call him…" she told me.'

I nodded.

"I know," I answered.

"She needs her dad…" Izzie pressed. "I just think that he would be upset if he knew she was sick and you didn't call him…"

"Izzie, I know!" I snapped. I softened my tone. "I'm sorry, I just need to make her feel better…but I don't know how…"

Izzie placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"Take her into bed and I'll come too…if we both stay with her, she might be okay…" she suggested..

I nodded and grabbed the bath towel, wrapping Charlotte in it, cradling her like a baby and hoping that the pain would stop for her.

I dressed her in some other pyjamas and put her in the bed.

"Mommy…I want daddy's pillow…" she whispered.

I gave her the pillow and watched her snuggle into it with all attempts to be comforted by the lingering scent of Derek which covered the pillow.

Izzie walked into the room and climbed into the bed. Charlotte slowly drifted off to sleep.

"What do I do Izzie?" I asked.

"I don't know…" Izzie answered. "I know that he loves you both so much and doesn't want to see either of you hurt…none of us do…I think he just wants this baby so much but he worries with the history…" she sighed. "If he doesn't get attached…"

"There's nothing to lose…" I finished.

I nodded sadly, realising that this was so very true.

"You should call him…" Izzie said.

I sighed.

"Tomorrow," I replied. "I'll call him tomorrow,"

And with that we fell asleep.

The next morning, I awoke to noise coming for the kitchen; I rolled over to find Charlotte still sleeping. As I shifted my weight on the bed she stirred.

"Hey," I smiled at her.

She didn't smile back.

"Feel any better?" I asked her brushing strands of hair out of her eyes.

She shook her head.

"I-I want daddy…" she whispered. "Mommy…I don't feel so…" she sat up and threw up all over the bed.

I sighed heavily, obviously she wasn't feeling any better.

"Izzie…clean up on aisle two!" I called helplessly.

Izzie ran into the room.

"Again?" she cried. "Oh you poor baby…" she took Charlotte into the bathroom where she threw up again.

The smell of the vomit became too much for me and I felt my stomach churn.

"Oh god…" I groaned. "Izzie…incoming!"

I raced over to the bath and started retching.

"Oh Mer…" Izzie sighed. "You two must have that stomach flu…"

"Mine is morning sickness," I told her.

"I'm calling Derek!" Izzie said.

Normally I would have protested, but I was feeling so ill that I couldn't start an argument.

It didn't take long for Derek to come home and when he arrived, I was asleep with Charlotte in the bathroom…my head resting against the bath.

He took a deep breath and walked over.

"Mer…" he whispered. "Meredith, I've gotta take you into bed…"

I was so sick that I barely heard him.

Izzie walked in and carried Charlotte into the bedroom; Derek proceeded to carry me into the bedroom where he lied me down on the bed.

I stirred slightly and realised what was happening.

"Charlie…" I sat upright. "Where is she…?"

Derek pressed his lips to my forehead.

"She's with Izzie," he told me lovingly. "Mer, honey you have to lie down,"

I frowned.

"You don't need to do this," I jumped up; as soon as I did, I felt my stomach shake and suddenly I was back in the bathroom. Derek ran in after me and held my hair back. After the vomiting subsided, I realised what was happening. "Don't…" I pulled away as he went to hold me. "Please don't!"

"Can we talk about this?" Derek asked.

"Um…no!" I shot back. "You walked away! I will not have you break that little girl's heart because her daddy walked away!"

Derek's heart melted from the tears streaming down my cheeks. I walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, putting my head in my hands.

"How did we get like this…?" I sighed. "We are exactly the way my parents were when I was young…and then they…he just…"

"Walked out…" Derek breathed.

I looked up to see tears in his eyes.

"I am not going to be Ellis Grey…broken when the love of her life leaves; I refuse to be her!" I said.

"You don't have to be Ellis…and I certainly don't want to be like Thatcher…" Derek said softly. "And you're right…I shouldn't have left…"

"Derek…when you walked out that door…" I started to cry. "I just…"

Derek moved over onto the bed and sat next to me.

"Honey, I will never leave you…" he promised as he cupped my cheeks in his hands and leaned in close enough to linger upon my lips. "I will never walk out again; even if you kick me out…I will never turn my back on my family…"

I felt myself succumb to the magnetic field I felt around his lips as they pulled me to him.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered. "I'm so sorry…"

I kissed him slowly and felt his lips take away any pain that I was feeling in that moment because when our lips met, the lights in the room became a dim vision and it was like I was in darkness, feeling only one thing; surrounding myself in the passion of his kiss.


	17. Results

Charlotte was still sick when Derek and I checked on her about an hour after we had reconciled

Charlotte was still sick when Derek and I checked on her about an hour after we had reconciled.

"Hey baby," Derek smiled as she opened her eyes.

"Daddy…" she whispered hoarsely.

I ran my hand down her cheek and sat on Derek's knee as he perched himself on the bed.

"Are you still upset mommy?" Charlotte asked.

I shook my head.

"No honey," I answered. "I'm not sad anymore, but I don't like seeing you sick, are you feeling any better sweetheart?"

Charlotte shook her head.

"My tummy hurts," she groaned clutching her stomach.

I climbed under the covers next to her and allowed her to snuggle into my chest.

"My poor little girl," I sighed as I held her close and rubbed her belly. "What if mommy rubs your tummy?"

Charlotte nodded and closed her eyes as I attempted to ease the pains in her stomach.

Not too much later, she had fallen back asleep; Derek was not quite ready to go back to work so we had a little time to spare.

"Come to bed…" I teased him as I flicked at the waistband on my track pants and loosened a button on his shirt. I wandered into the bedroom and slipped my shirt off over my head, flinging it to the side, revealing nothing but an emerald green lace bra.

Derek's jaw dropped to the floor.

_His favourite bra_.

I dropped the waistband of my pants halfway down my hips, showing the top of the matching panties.

_His favourite panties_.

"Oh god…" Derek felt his pants becoming tight as he reached for me; desperately seeking more. "Mer…"

I shook my head.

"But if you are too tired…" I said teasingly.

Derek couldn't find the words.

"I-I…no…not tired…" he stumbled.

I eased my way over to him; standing still I reached up and twisted a dark lock of curl around my finger. I leaned up to kiss him, lingering before I did; changing my mind I moved back before he had the chance to catch my lips.

"Mmm…" he groaned. "Tease…"

"Too right," I answered.

Derek was too quick; he grabbed my waist from behind and rubbed my belly.

"Close your eyes baby…I'm going to kiss your mommy now…" he chuckled. He turned me around and trapped my lips in his. "You know I can't resist the green…" he said tracing circles around my hip bone.

I felt myself fall into his arms, crashing my lips onto his and falling awkwardly onto the bed where I pulled his shirt over his head.

"Derek…" I whispered through kisses. "The door…locks…"

Derek moaned against my lips and let me drop his pants to the floor where only a satin fabric stopped us.

"Hurry up…" I said.

Derek laughed as I yanked the boxers down and straddled him.

"Mer…" he said pulling at my panties.

I stopped his hand.

"Allow me…" I said through kisses as I stripped them off and returned to the position I was in. I kissed him softly and allowed him to thrust into me.

This time the sex was different…we always had sex, just plain old sex; sure there were things we knew about each other that made our connection so undeniably fabulous. But something was different this time…this was it; this was forever – _forever in a lifetime_.

I lied on my back, breathing heavily, allowing Derek to run his hands over my abdomen, resting them just where he thought our baby was sleeping.

"Little baby is sleeping like a rock…" he whispered.

"I think we'll have a good sleeper on our hands," I mused as I slipped my shirt over my head and pulled on my panties.

"Mommy…" I heard Charlotte call before I saw the doorknob turn; Charlotte stood at the doorway and put her hands on her stomach. "I was sick in my bed again…" she started to cry.

"Oh…honey, come here," I sighed reaching out for her.

Charlotte came willingly into my arms.

"Do you think we need to take her to the doctors?" I asked Derek.

"You're forgetting we both have medical degrees…it's that little D and R in front of our names, and the little M and D at the end," Derek teased.

I nudged him.

"No _honey_, I mean, take her somewhere to get a shot to stop the vomiting," I said.

Charlotte looked up.

"No! Not a shot mommy!" she cried. "I don't feel so bad anymore…"

I nodded and rested my chin on the top of her head.

After a little more vomiting, I decided to go with Charlotte to the hospital; Cristina collected her at the nurse's station and took her for the shot; being her mother, I wasn't allowed to go.

Wondering where Derek was, I leaned against desk when I felt arms encircle me.

"Mmm, I'm engaged Mark…" I joked knowing perfectly well it was Derek.

"Okay! That is not funny!" Derek pulled back.

I laughed and leaned up to kiss him.

"Where's Charlie?" he asked.

"With her Aunty Cristina," I answered.

Bailey emerged.

"Dr. Grey, you're off duty…what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I have a child who won't stop vomiting and an attending who can't keep his hands off me…" I laughed.

Bailey didn't find it funny.

"Is Charlie okay?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Just a shot to stop the vomiting," I answered.

Cristina poked her head out.

"Uh…a little help please," she said. "Can't stop the crying,"

I walked into the room to see Charlotte crying.

"It's okay honey," I said. "You're going to be fine now,"

Addison appeared at the door.

"Meredith…" she said.

I looked up.

"I have your test results…"

5


	18. Charlie's Lullaby

I looked at Addison, trying my best to decipher if it read fear or relief

I looked at Addison, trying my best to decipher if it read fear or relief.

"And…" I pressed.

She looked at me again.

"Just come with me,"

I followed her into an exam room where she sat at the chair and I rested on the bed.

"Gestational Diabetes," she said.

I felt my eyes widen.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"It's a form of diabetes that…" she started.

"Yes, I know what Gestational Diabetes is…I just don't understand how I could have it…" I said.

Addison frowned.

"I think it's what caused you to miscarry your first pregnancy," she said.

I nodded.

"You think?" I asked.

"Well, I am certain it is…which means…" she sighed.

"I could miscarry again," I finished.

I knew exactly what it meant.

"Meredith, there is every possibility that you can carry this baby through a relatively normal pregnancy…" she continued. "The possibility however of things such as birth defects and other common complications is at about 60,"

I sat there dumbfounded.

Derek walked into the room.

"What's going on?" he asked Addison.

I didn't dare speak.

"Meredith's test results confirmed Gestational Diabetes," Addison told him.

Derek's mouth nearly dropped to the floor.

"That can't be good…" he breathed.

"It's not," Addison said flatly.

I started breathing heavily as Addison explained the risk factors in the diagnosis; for a moment my breathing grew shallow and quick. Derek and Addison turned to look at me concerned.

"Meredith…" Derek said quickly grabbing my arms. "Mer…slow down…take deep breaths…"

"I can't…I can't breathe…" I gasped for air.

"Get a respirator in here!" Derek shouted at the nurse. "Now!"

I fastened the respirator over my mouth and glanced over at the door where I saw Charlotte standing there; her lip trembling and tears rolling down her cheek.

"Charlie…" I said softly. "It's okay baby…"

She walked into the room and stood behind Derek timidly.

"Honey, mommy's okay," Derek assured her as he lifted her up.

Charlotte buried her head in Derek's shoulder, afraid to look at me.

I decided that it was all too much for me to bear, so I stood up and took the respirator away.

"Come here honey," I reached out for her.

She refused.

"Charlie, I'm okay sweetheart, mommy just needed the machine…" I pressed.

"No!" Charlotte shot back.

I choked back a wave of tears.

"Look Charlie, mommy is walking around, she's okay," Derek said.

Charlotte went reluctantly into my arms.

"Baby, I'm sorry I frightened you," I sighed. "But we can go home now,"

Addison smiled at Charlotte and looked gravely at me.

"I'm writing you documentation so that you can have the next month off work; most complications arise within the last two weeks of the first trimester and the first two weeks of the second," Addison told me. "No buts, no nothing, you cannot work while you are in this condition,"

I went to protest and Derek shook his head.

"She's right Mer; we need to think of your health right now," he sighed. "Now I know that it's going to be hard on you honey, but you've gotta do this; for the baby anyway…" he put his hands on my belly.

I nodded and rubbed Charlotte's back.

"Ready to go home?" I asked her.

She nodded hopefully.

"Then let's go home," I looked at Derek and smiled weakly. "I'll see you when you get home,"

Derek smiled back.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"No honey, I'm fine," I answered. "She needs a nap and I'll probably have one myself,"

Derek nodded, satisfied with the answer.

"I love you," he said as he kissed me.

"You too…" I answered. I jiggled Charlotte on my hip. "Say bye to daddy,"

Charlotte leaned over and kissed Derek.

"Bye daddy," she said.

"Bye-bye sweetheart," Derek answered. He kissed me once more before we left and with that, Charlotte and I drove home.

Upon arrival at the house I looked in the rear view mirror to see that Charlotte had already fallen asleep. I carefully undid her seat belt with all attempts not to wake her; I was successful. I carried her into the house and upstairs, where I lied her down on my bed; I lied down next to her and felt her face snuggle into my chest. I looked down and saw her little eyes open.

"Go to sleep sweetie," I whispered.

She blinked sleepily for a moment until her eyes became so droopy she couldn't keep them open.

About an hour later my doctor body clock woke me with a slight jolt. I rolled over and saw Charlotte curled up in a ball, still sleeping soundly. I reached over for the blanket and wrapped her in it as I proceeded to walk downstairs to the kitchen; I stopped by the study momentarily to pick up a book on blood disease, opening the page to Gestational Diabetes.

I sat for a while, reading over and over the complications that could arise from the illness; weighing up the likelihood of passing it on to the baby. I heard footsteps approaching the house and the door unlock. I took a deep breath and bookmarked the page, knowing I would want to read it again later.

Izzie emerged into the room.

"Hey!" she said happily.

I smiled back at her.

"Hi," I answered.

"What are you reading?" she asked flicking open the page on the book. "Why are you reading about Gestational Diabetes…?" it all of a sudden clicked. "Oh…"

She looked at me sadly.

"Are you okay?" she questioned.

I nodded simply.

"Not really," I answered. "I have a 60 chance of further complications with the pregnancy…if I make it through the first trimester…not only that I have a nearly 70 chance of passing the condition onto my baby…so no, Iz…I'm not okay,"

Izzie sighed heavily and put her arm around me.

"Try and look at the other percentage, I know it is small, but it's there," she said. "I will be here, everyone will be here to help okay,"

That night when I was putting Charlotte to bed I lied next to her as she put her hands on my belly.

"Do you think the baby is sleeping?" she asked softly. "Maybe we should whisper,"

I smiled at her.

"Yeah sweetie, the baby is sleeping and I think that is a good idea," I said, equally as quiet.

Charlotte rested her head on my stomach and in the sweetest, most off key sound, she started to sing.

"_Goodnight little baby, goodnight; I am kissing you goodnight…"_ she kissed my belly and continued. "_Goodnight little baby, your sister says goodnight; have sweet dreams about when we play and have fun, goodnight little baby, goodnight to sun…_"

I felt tears forming in my eyes as her lullaby rang in the depths of my memory, kindling my heart.

6


	19. Breathing In A Lifetime of Scents

I awoke to the alarm the next morning, groaning because I knew I didn't have to get up

I awoke to the alarm the next morning, groaning because I knew I didn't have to get up. I pulled the comforter over my head and sunk deeper into my pillow.

"Mer…" Derek said into the covers. "Meredith…"

I lied very still and pretended not to hear him.

He pulled back the cover slightly; well as much as I allowed him and kissed my forehead over and over. With little attempt to encourage me out of bed, he then proceeded to slip under the covers and press his lips to my shoulders.

"Wake up sleeping beauty," he murmured.

I shook him off my back.

"Go away…" I groaned.

Derek laughed and weaved his hands under my arms and touched my stomach.

"The baby wants you to get up…" he laughed in my ears.

I shoved him under the covers and pulled a pillow over my head. I was not in the mood for it this early in the morning.

"I'm not getting up…" I said. "I'm staying in bed and avoiding the rain…"

It was then that I felt the covers wrap around me and suddenly I was scooped up into Derek's arms.

I squealed in shock.

"Put me down!" I shrieked as I laughed.

The covers unravelled and I fell onto the blanket free bed. I tried to snatch the blanket from his hands but his grip was too tight. So I did the next best thing, I climbed under the sheets and huddled into the warmth. But I wasn't quick enough as he reefed it away from me. With every instinct I jumped up and went to jab him with my _ineffectual_ _fists_; but his much larger hands grabbed my tiny ones and stopped me.

"Give me my blanket back!" I demanded.

"Ooh, miss demanding now are we?" he asked.

I tried my hardest not to laugh at his joke; I was far too cold. But a smile curled onto my lips and I couldn't suppress my laughter. He grabbed me and pulled me down onto the bed where I hit him with a pillow. Charlotte emerged at the door, clearly awoken by our fun and games; she saw me throw the pillow and giggled hysterically.

"Get daddy with the pillow Charlie!" I told her.

Charlotte grabbed the pillow and ran over to hit Derek who grabbed her tiny little body in defence, tossing her onto the bed with me.

"I'm going to get you!" he chanted.

"No!" Charlotte shrieked excitedly.

Her giggles were becoming infectious and pretty soon, we were all hysterically laughing as Charlotte continued throwing pillow hits at Derek and soon enough, myself.

"Charlie, don't hit mommy!" I laughed.

Derek and Charlie both looked at each other with devilish grins and then turned to me.

"Oh, no!" I moved backwards on the bed and jumped off running for the door.

Derek grabbed me before I reached the door and held me tightly while Charlie tickled me. I managed to break free and run for shelter in Izzie and George's room, who were just waking up due to the noises coming from our room.

"W-what's going on?" Izzie asked sleepily.

I leaned against the closed door.

"I am being chased by my daughter…" I informed them as I heard Charlotte thump against the door.

"Ow!" I heard her cry.

I opened the door and looked down at the floor to see her eyes well with tears and a red mark forming on her forehead. I chuckled and leaned down.

"Oh honey," I sighed picking her up. "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt…where's daddy?"

Charlotte shrugged as we walked into my bedroom and Derek jumped out and scared us.

"Boo!" he exclaimed.

Charlotte and I both shrieked in fear.

"Oh, what happened possum?" Derek asked rubbing her forehead.

"The door bumped me…" Charlotte answered.

Derek laughed and walked downstairs into the kitchen where Charlotte climbed up onto the barstool and waited patiently for a piece of toast.

"Feeling okay honey?" Derek asked.

I frowned.

"What's with the _honey_ talk?" I questioned; I was never used to hearing him say it and was confused as to why he started now.

"Well, you are a honey," he smiled kissing my cheek. "You're my honey,"

I chuckled and wrapped my arms around Charlotte from behind, smelling her strawberry scented hair; a comforting smell, my little girl's smell.

"You smell like strawberries," I told her.

Charlotte laughed.

"Really?" she asked.

"Mommy's favourite smell," I told her.

Charlotte beamed.

"You know what my favourite smell is?" Derek chimed in.

"What?" Charlotte and I asked.

"My two girls in the kitchen while I am making breakfast!" he grinned.

I chuckled at his joke and kissed him across the counter.

"Don't burn your French toast _honey_," I whispered in his ear as I smelt the burning aroma that encircled my senses.

Derek gasped and pulled the bread out of the frypan.

Charlotte started laughing.

"Yuck daddy, I don't want a burned one!" she cried.

"Sweetie pie, let's get you dressed so that daddy can finish breakfast," I picked Charlotte up off the stool and carried her upstairs. I stood in front of her wardrobe and held up dresses for her to choose.

"This one is pretty," I held up a lavender coloured dress with a white ribbon that tied around the waist.

Charlotte nodded with a smile.

"Did you know that there is a flower that has the exact same colour?" I asked her as I slipped a long sleeved white shirt over her head and pulled some winter leggings on her before I put the dress on her.

"What's the flower mommy?" Charlotte asked.

I smiled and imagined the scent.

"Lavender," I answered.

"Does it smell pretty?" Charlotte questioned.

I nodded.

"It is beautiful," I told her as I tied the bow around the back of her dress. I sat up on the bed and pulled her up with me. "Have a smell of mommy's hair,"

She knelt on my legs and smelt my hair.

"Pretty," she observed.

I smelled her hair again.

"I like yours better," I giggled.

Charlotte put her face down in front of my belly.

"Mommy, when is the baby coming out?" she asked.

I smiled.

"Not for a while baby," I answered.

"How does it come out?" she questioned.

I chuckled.

"Well…Addie is going to put a little cut in mommy's belly and take the baby out from there," I figured explaining the nature show version was not the best option.

Charlotte nodded, still a little confused.

"I wanna see the baby," she told me.

I smiled.

"You will be able to see it sweetie, when I go for my scan, I will take you, okay?" I suggested.

She nodded happily.

"Let's go see daddy!" I followed her down the stairs where she ran into the kitchen and hugged Derek's legs.

"Look at my dress daddy! It's like a lav…_lavidah_!" she tried to say it.

"You mean lavender?" Derek asked with a chuckle. He lifted her up and kissed her cheek. "Oh you look beautiful princess, just like your mommy!"

I felt my cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

Derek set Charlotte down on the stool where I brushed her hair and braided it into a neat style. I reached into a container and fastened a white ribbon around it.

"Beautiful," I smiled as I kissed her forehead.

Looking around I developed some hope; life could only get better, right now there was no room for bad…there was no room for disaster or breakdown. I was on a high, and it was going to take a whole heap of weight to bring me down.


	20. A Surprise

I didn't feel so good that morning; the morning sickness had kicked in big time and I was feeling quite dizzy to boot

I didn't feel so good that morning; the morning sickness had kicked in big time and I was feeling quite dizzy to boot.

Derek had not long left for the hospital and I was tidying the house while Charlotte played quietly upstairs. As I scrubbed the kitchen bench in an attempt to clear the breakfast mess, I felt oddly dizzy. I took a breath and put my hand to my forehead.

"Oh…" I sucked in a big gulp of air.

"You okay mommy?"

I looked up to see Charlotte standing at the door, a frown crossing her forehead as her tiny feet places one foot in front of the other while she picked up her pace.

"Yeah honey," I answered kissing her forehead. I opened the fridge and took a sip of cranberry juice to increase my sugar levels; another suggestion from Addison.

"Come watch a movie," Charlotte gently tugged on my hands and intertwined her fingers through mine. Her touch was so light and sweet; a thoughtful gesture that said so much about her gentleness.

"Okay sweetheart," I smiled at her and allowed her to lead me into the lounge room where she propped some pillows and grabbed a blanket. "You've thought of everything!"

Charlotte flashed me an adorable smile and picked up her newest DVD.

"Cinderbella?" she suggested.

"You mean _Cinderella_?" I asked.

She nodded and shrugged.

"Sounds good to me baby," I answered.

Charlotte turned on the movie and came and curled up in my arms; we watched it for a while until she started getting very bored. I didn't, I was enjoying just sitting there with her, watching her breathe, following the gentle rise and fall of her chest. She was an angel…sometimes I didn't know what I would do without her; my little girl, she saved me from myself.

Interrupting my thoughts, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey honey!" came Derek's voice.

I smiled at the sound.

"Hey," I answered.

Charlotte looked up.

"Who's that?" she interjected.

"It's daddy, go play sweetie," I told her.

She jumped up and ran somewhere in the house.

"I have a surprise," Derek's voice was husky and seductive.

"Mmm…sounds good," I smiled. "What's the surprise?"

Derek chuckled on the other end of the line.

"You'll have to wait and see," he laughed.

"When will you be home?" I persisted.

Derek laughed again.

"Tonight, and now I have to go…" he sounded disappointed.

"Mmm…leave me lingering…" I sighed.

"It wouldn't be the first time," he answered.

I chuckled.

"I'll speak to you soon honey," Derek said. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I answered before I hung up the phone.

Derek wasn't late that night as a result of a much dreaded quite OR board.

"Hey!" he said coming into the kitchen with a massive bunch of flowers.

"Are those for me?" I asked hopefully.

He nodded.

"Sure are!"

I smelled them and put them on the bench.

"Thank you,"

Derek leaned over to kiss me.

"You're welcome,"

"Was this my surprise?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"Nope," his response was equally as mysterious.

"Tell me…" I lingered over his lips.

He kissed me once more.

"Not…" kiss "…a…" kiss "…chance…"

I frowned.

"How come…" I whined.

"You're such a girl!" he laughed.

"Clearly," I directed my body.

He chuckled and reached for my waist.

I pulled back.

"Uh-uh, if you don't wanna tell me about my surprise then no touching, no kissing and no sex!" I told him.

Derek pouted.

"Mer…" he protested.

"No!" I pulled away again as he reached for the hem on my sweater. "Don't touch!"

"I wanna feel the baby," Derek whined.

I shook my head.

"Don't keep secrets and you can touch, until then, keep your hands to yourself!" I told him. I turned on my heels, hitched my pants below my waist to reveal my new black panties and sauntered upstairs.

"That is not fair!" Derek called after me; he raced upstairs behind me and followed me into the bedroom. I knew I could play at this game a little longer to crack him. So I slipped my shirt up over my head to show the matching bra.

"Is it warm in here?" I teased as my eyes twinkled with cheekiness.

"Mer…" Derek groaned.

I walked over and lingered in his presence for a moment, breathing softly and letting my hand gently caress his chest. As his hands moved to pull me in, I stepped back.

"I'm going to bed…to sleep…" I told him.

Derek sighed heavily.

"Pack a suitcase," he mumbled.

I whipped around.

"What?" I asked.

He reached into his pocket and flicked out two airline tickets.

"Because honey you and I are going to San Francisco for two days!" he said excitedly.

My eyes widened and for a moment I couldn't speak; I was baffled by his words and as my lips opened, the inaudible sounds couldn't fill the gap between my mind and my mouth.

"What?" I exclaimed. "Are you kidding me? Oh my god!"

I leaped into his arms and felt him spin me around, my feet flying a little over a foot off the ground; I was feeling as light as a feather and my excitement couldn't be contained as it flowed through my senses as though I was a popped bottle of champagne.

Derek laughed and kissed me, this time I allowed him to.

"Mmm…this bra…it's so…" he ran his hands over my breasts. "Soft…"

"The panties are better…" I whispered seductively into his ear.

Derek moaned against my mouth as I deepened my kiss and let my tongue explore his mouth, knowing just how to kiss him; familiar with every place in his mouth.

"Mmm…strawberry gloss…" Derek said between kisses.

"All for you…" I answered.

Derek fiddled at the elastic waistband of my pants and reached down to stroke the fabric of my panties; I felt my core heating with the anticipation of what he would do next. I pressed my lips to his neck and unbuttoned his shirt slowly, letting my fingertips explore his skin, allowing him to grow more aroused with every touch that came from my fingers.

His shirt fell in an aimless pile on the floor where his pants we to follow, soon after his boxers we amongst the clothing.

"Why am I the only one naked?" he murmured through kisses.

"I can help with that…" I said as the elastic gave way to the tugs of his hands and soon dropped to the floor.

Momentarily, the only thing that stood between our love making was the line of lacy fabric that covered me.

Derek pushed me back down onto the bed where he proceeded to remove my panties. I arched my back and lifted my hips to allow him.

"Derek…" I said as he caressed my stomach.

Making love to Derek was what I lived for; it was moments like these that I dreamed about; fantasised even. But all I knew was I couldn't wait to go away.

But then something happened, the dizziness kicked in…mid sex; suddenly I felt faint.

"Derek…" I said. "Stop…" my voice shook.

"Oh god, what's wrong?" he asked pulling me up.

I went limp in his arms and fainted.

"Meredith!" Derek shook me gently. "Mer!"

With no response panic set in for Derek.


	21. Emergency

Charlotte emerged at the door to see Derek putting clothes on me

Charlotte emerged at the door to see Derek putting clothes on me.

"Daddy…" she said tentatively.

"Honey I need you to get my phone," Derek instructed her. "Now press number two, that's the number for Miranda okay,"

Charlotte stayed on the phone and waited for Bailey to answer.

"Hi Randa it's Charlie!" she said. "Daddy told me to ring you, mommy is on the bed…"

"Charlie! What's going on?" Bailey cried.

"Charlie, tell her that mommy fainted and we are bringing her to the hospital!" Derek told Charlotte.

"I heard him honey, now get off this phone and ring 9-1-1," Bailey told her.

Charlotte hung up the phone.

"9-1-1…" she muttered to herself as she pressed the numbers.

"911 emergency?"

"My mommy needs an ambulance…" Charlotte told the operator.

"Honey, tell them that mommy is pregnant…" Derek said.

"Mommy is pregnant,"

"Where's your daddy?" the operator asked.

"He is getting her dressed…" Charlotte answered. "She fainted,"

"Tell me your address sweetie," the operator instructed.

"6-1-3 Harper Lane Seattle,"

"Good girl! Tell daddy the ambulance is on its way," the operator hung up.

The sirens wailed across the streets of Seattle and Derek sat in the ambulance, mortified at the thought of what he could tell Bailey…and Addison.

_Oh god_, he thought. _She passed out during sex…I did this…this is my fault._

"ETA to Seattle Grace is two minutes!" the paramedic explained.

Bailey met Derek at the emergency entrance.

"What happened?" she asked as they wheeled the gurney into a trauma bay and slammed the door shut.

Cristina, meanwhile, had seen the whole thing. She ran into the room and glared at Derek.

"Dr. Bailey asked you, what happened?" she shouted.

"Has someone paged Addison?" Derek shot back.

Addison ran into the room.

"What happened?" she cried.

Everyone turned to Derek.

"She fainted…" Derek answered nervously.

"Duh, McDreamy, we can see that quite well…but how?" Cristina cried.

"Mid…um…during sex…" Derek replied.

Cristina's eyes bulged with rage and the darkness in them almost turned a shade of crimson; she was mad, furious, horrified. Her fists clenched so hard by her side that her knuckles turned white and her breathing grew heavy as she drew in sharp, angry breaths.

"I will kill you!" she screamed.

Addison restrained Cristina with all her might and Bailey proceeded to do the same.

"We have a patient on the table right now!" Bailey yelled at her. "His girlfriend and your _person_, or whatever you call her! Get out of the room and I will deal with you and your suppressed rage issues!"

Cristina went in for one last attempt to jab him before Bailey shoved her out the door.

"Out!" she yelled. As she closed the door she folded her arms and glared at Derek with eyes that could scare Satan himself. "How the hell did she manage to pass out during sex?"

"She…just did…" Derek couldn't believe his ears.

"Well I am going to ask you…" Bailey looked at Addison who was checking for a foetal heartbeat; she then picked up a chart and started hitting Derek with it. "…what possessed you to have sex with her in her condition? Are you stupid? Do you understand the risk? For a brain surgeon you are so damn brainless!"

Derek tried to block her hit.

"It's okay…I asked for it…" came my voice. I had started to wake up in the midst of the drama.

Derek breathed a sigh of relief.

"Are you okay honey?" he asked leaning down to kiss my forehead.

"I will be once I hear our baby's heart beat," I nudged Addison as she turned up the amplifier and smiled as the heart beat of the filled the echoing walls of the room.

"Nice and strong," she commented.

Derek held me tightly.

"Thank god," he murmured into my ear.

Bailey frowned and folded her arms.

"I'm so embarrassed Dr. Bailey, please don't…" I sighed.

The chief opened the door frantically.

"Meredith!" he said breathlessly. "I just saw Stevens and O'Malley with Charlie!" he turned to Derek and Bailey. "What happened?"

"Miranda…" I said nervously.

"She passed out…mid…um, sorry chief do I need to I need to continue?" Bailey asked.

The chief shuffled on his feet and then turned his gaze to Derek.

"You had sex with her in this condition?" he yelled. Just as Bailey had done earlier, he picked up a chart and took a swing at his arm. "Are you stupid?"

"Chief!" I cried. "Richard I am okay!" I proceeded to take his hand. "The baby is okay,"

The chief sighed heavily.

"Meredith, I promised your mother I would take care of you," he said. "And I just…"

"I'm fine," I told him. "The baby is fine,"

Addison took the opportunity to interject.

"She is just low on insulin by the looks of it, that's what caused her to faint," she told everyone. "The sex would have been a small, very miniscule contributing factor,"

Suddenly the door burst open with a chuckling Alex.

"Grey! I always thought you would die having sex!" he laughed. He stood still when he realised the chief and Bailey were both in the room. "Crap! I'm gone!"

"Karev! Go and get Charlie so she can see her mommy," Bailey ordered.

Alex walked over to Charlotte who was sitting on Izzie's knee and talking to George.

"Hey kid, wanna go see your mommy?" he asked.

Charlotte nodded excitedly and reached out for him to carry her.

"Please, please Uncle Alex," she pouted sweetly.

Alex felt his heart of stone turn to mush when he saw those big blue eyes staring at him; his sort of niece was clearly the most beautiful little girl in the world. Sometimes she would come over to him and just hug him, taking away any anger, turning him soft.

"Okay!" Alex gave in.

He carried her into the room where her eyes lit up.

"Mommy!" she said excitedly.

"Hi baby," I smiled as she climbed up onto the bed. She heard the heart beat, still floating through the room.

"What's that?" she asked.

"That's our baby," I told her. "That's the baby's heart beat!"

Her jaw dropped.

"Does mine sound like that?" she asked.

I nodded and reached for Addison's stethoscope.

"Have a listen," I put it to her chest and let her listen to her own.

"Can I hear yours?" she asked putting the scope to my chest. "Wow, yours is beating fast mommy,"

Derek cleared his throat.

"It appears our daughter is a hero," he smiled. "She called Bailey and 911 all on her own,"

I felt tears form in my eyes.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yup!" Charlie beamed.

"I am so proud of you," I told her. "Thank you my little angel,"

Later that night Charlotte was asleep on my chest and Mark emerged.

"Hey!" he smiled at Derek and I. His hand patted my head softly. "You okay?"

I nodded and motioned to Charlotte on my body.

"She's a little hero," Mark smiled as he ruffled the tiny curls that fell across her back.

I smiled again.

"Thank you," I said softly.

"For what?" he asked.

"Coming to see me," I told him. "I appreciate it,"

"Anything for my favourite dirty mistress slash hot sexy momma!" Mark joked.

"Mark…" Derek warned.

"Joking!" Mark laughed. He reached over and pulled Charlotte off my chest. "I'll take her back to Stevens,"

He carried her to the residents lounge and sat down with her.

She stirred slightly and woke up.

"Hey cutie," he said.

"Uncle Mark…I called 911…" she said softly.

Mark kissed her forehead.

"I am so proud of you," he told her. "You know, you're my hero!"

Charlotte smiled.

"Really?" she asked.

"Really, really." Mark answered.

Meanwhile, I was slowly falling asleep in the room, Derek ran his hand over my forehead and I let my eyelids fall to the motion of his fingertips. I heard him sniffle and my eyes shot open.

"I am so sorry," he said with tears in his eyes.

"Honey, it's not your fault…" I told him.

"Cristina didn't seem to think so…" he sighed.

I managed a smiled.

"She tried to kick your ass?" I laughed.

He nodded.

"It is _not_ your fault!" I said pulling him in for a kiss.

"I love you," he said pressing his forehead to mine.

"I love you too," I answered.


	22. Author's Note 2

A/N: Where do I start guys

**A/N: Where do I start guys? You are all fantastic, thank you so much for your support with the fic. I love how it is turning out. I try my best to update daily because it gives me something to do. Lol.**

**Over the next few chapters I will be sending Mer and Derek away to San Francisco. I think after all their drama they need this time. It could take me a few days to fix it up! I have exams next week and really should be studying. **

**Anyways, keep up the reviews guys! I really appreciate all your advice.**

**Amy.**

**McDreamOn08**


	23. Your Body is A Wonderland

What to do with daylight…I groaned and covered my eyes with the blankets as Cristina waltzed into my room and flicked the blinds open

What to do with daylight…I groaned and covered my eyes with the blankets as Cristina waltzed into my room and flicked the blinds open.

"God, you are insane!" I groaned.

"A.m. labs, get up!" she said almost angrily.

"Cristina…come on!" I cried.

She pulled the covers back and grabbed my arm.

"What the hell was that?" I asked her.

Cristina shook her head.

"You know it was real stupid Mer, really down right stupid!" she exclaimed in almost a caring tone. "You could have really gotten hurt…and I…" her voice trailed off.

"What?" I asked softly.

"I just don't exactly wanna be reading a eulogy anytime soon, okay?" she snapped; her care was masked by her anger.

I smiled and put my hand on her arm.

"Cristina…I just…" I couldn't continue.

"Okay, we don't have to do this…" she sighed heavily. "Pretend we care and have one of those _bestie_ moments,"

"Yuck," I chimed in.

Derek walked into the room.

"Dr. Yang," he smiled at Cristina warmly.

"Dr. Shepherd," Cristina responded flatly. She nodded at me and walked out of the room before a short mutter escaped her lips. "McBastard,"

I chuckled as Derek leaned down.

"Good morning," he said as his lips touched mine. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I answered.

"Derek fine or Meredith fine because I know there is a difference," he said.

I smiled at him.

"I'm just fine," I told him. "And I wanna go home, we go on our trip tomorrow and I am dying just to get out!"

Derek smiled at me.

"Well, I know that Bailey is following up your a.m. labs so that she can discharge you…" he started.

"Yes she is!" came a voice at the door.

I looked up to see Bailey.

"Hey!" I said hopefully.

"Okay Meredith, you are now going to be on a daily dose of insulin," Bailey said to me. "The fainting was due to lack of insulin and not the sex…" she turned to Derek. "Think yourself lucky…" she continued. "But watch your sugar levels and make sure that you don't overexert yourself,"

I nodded.

"Can I go home?" I asked.

Bailey nodded.

"Thank god!" I breathed as I fell back against the pillow.

A few hours later Derek and I were arriving home to find Charlotte sitting up on the barstool while Izzie cooked pancakes.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

Charlotte turned around.

"Mommy!" she exclaimed happily.

"Hi baby," I smiled at her. I lifted her up. "I am so happy to see you,"

Izzie looked at me worriedly.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine," I answered. I turned to Charlotte. "Have you found some movies that you and Aunty Izzie can watch while mommy and daddy are away?"

She nodded.

"Some new ones!" she told me.

I laughed.

"That's good sweetie, now go upstairs and pick out some clothes," I put her down and patted her back.

Izzie smiled faintly, her eyes still displaying concern and fear.

"I really appreciate you looking after her," I said.

"She's no trouble at all," Izzie answered.

Derek came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

"You look tired honey," he whispered.

"I am very tired," I told him.

Derek pulled at my hand.

"Come upstairs," he said softly.

I nodded and turned on my heels to follow him upstairs into the bedroom where he propped some pillows and pulled back the covers for me to climb under.

"Have a rest," he said to me.

I lied down under the covers and felt his hands run over my forehead lovingly. His hands explored my face as he lied down on his side and faced me.

"Derek…" I said in the most inaudible manner.

"Yeah honey?" he asked.

"Close the door…" I whispered as I put my hands down on the waistband of his jeans. "Just close it and have a sleep with me,"

Derek smiled and got up. He poked his head into Charlotte's room.

"Mommy and daddy are just having a rest sweetheart so stay quiet," he told her.

Charlotte nodded and returned to her play.

Derek closed the door and flicked the lock. He climbed under the blankets and held me close to him allowing himself to breathe me in; my hair that smelled like lavender. He peered into my eyes that told him so much, the green melding blue as our gaze remained uninterrupted. He then moved to kiss me, a taste so familiar to him, something that was so classically me; a strawberry taste reflected through my lip gloss.

I looked at him as he pulled back and closed his eyes; I studied the fine details of his face, the way that his stubble played across his jaw line but didn't reach his cheekbones. His face was almost oval shaped as opposed to my somewhat small and round face; no, actually, it was heart shaped…a shape that held so much meaning to him; love that extended beyond a lifetime in the shape of his face. I traced his cheekbones with one finger and allowed him to grow sleepy under my touch. My fingers tingled under his stubble but I didn't care; for that touch was so Derek in so many ways. I felt my nostrils flare at the light scent of morning breath that was seeping through the cracks in his lips, it wasn't a bad smell; it was a combination of a coffee and an almost smoky scent; not like a cigarette smoky but an aftertaste smoky, an inch of taste that was left behind after many things. It could vary every day for me; sometimes I would simply catch a whiff of my lip gloss that remained on his mouth from our goodnight kiss, other times it would be from the wine we drank at dinner; more so, I didn't care; this was Derek in every way.

I ran my hand through his curls; they were dense and thick, leaving much room for me to explore; the webs of my fingers were caressed by the flick of hair that slipped through them so easily, so smoothly. His curls weren't perfect by all means, they were messy and uneven, but I wasn't to complain as my hair was more tangled than anyone I knew. But there was something beautiful about the curls that I wrapped around my fingers; they sat so gently on top of his head and graced his forehead as they dropped below his hairline, sliding from side to side as he moved, never blocking his vision and certainly never taking the emphasis off his face; but why did they distract me so?

I saw his lips curl into a smile as I touched the top of his brow. The McDreamy smile, that smile that made me weak at the knees. A wonderland of emotions that exposed him through the slight tweak of his mouth; his lips were perfectly set in the middle between his nose and his chin; this smile was more perfect and even when he was mad, this smile made everything okay. But then it started again as he drew me closer to him, opening his perfect blue eyes and drawing his lips closer to mine, this was exactly what I wanted and I always got what I want…


	24. The View From the Top

I reached over and grabbed Derek's shirt in a fistful

I reached over and grabbed Derek's shirt in a fistful. I pressed my lips hard against his.

"Mer…" he moaned against my lips. "We…" kiss "…can't…the baby…"

"…is fine…" I promised. "Bailey said that it wasn't the problem…and I want sex…"

I peeled his shirt over his head and shoved my hands into his boxers; his reaction however was less than I anticipated.

"Derek…" I sighed heavily.

"Mmm…" he pulled away. "I can't Mer…I'm sorry…"

I groaned and fell down on his chest.

"Honey, I am so sorry…" Derek ran his hand through my hair.

I shrugged in a sullen manner.

"Fine," I groaned. And then I remembered just how well I played this game. "I'll have to just change out of these clothes…"

Derek's eyes widened as I climbed out of bed and went to the draw; I pulled out a pair of red panties.

"These ones?" I held them up.

Derek dropped his jaw.

"I-uh…" he stammered.

"I'm sure they'll match the bra anyway…" I pulled the bra out of the drawer and slammed it shut. I walked into the bathroom and slipped into the panties, knowing I could hold this out for longer. "Hey sweetie, can you come here…?"

Derek groaned and walked into the bathroom where I pretended to fumble with my bra clasp.

"Can you clip this bra sweetie?" I asked him as I flashed my most seductive smile.

Derek walked up behind me and ran his hands over my shoulders, pressing his lips to my skin as it erupted in shivers.

"You win…" he whispered in my ear.

I turned around and lingered my lips over his.

"I always do…" I told him.

Derek led me back into bed where I anticipated all that could happen in San Francisco.

The next morning I was rushing around frantically trying to organise Charlotte so that Derek and I could go to the airport.

"Charlie get your coat honey, Aunty Izzie is waiting in the car!" I told her as she slowly tried to make her way down the stairs. In a frustrated rush, I grabbed her off the third last step and ran out the door to meet George, Derek and Izzie in the car.

I strapped Charlotte into her car seat.

"We're in!" I said breathlessly as I buckled my seat belt.

At the airport, Charlotte was pressing her face against the glass so that she could see the airplanes.

"Flight 227 to San Francisco is now ready for boarding!" came across the loud speaker.

I turned to Izzie.

"Now, remember, no sweets before dinner, not too many pancakes and make sure you turn all the ovens off and don't leave your electric blanket on…and your hair straightener…and…" I rambled.

"Mer! Relax!" Izzie cried.

I looked at George.

"Don't let her get into the cookie jar!" I warned.

George smiled and put a comforting hand on my arm.

"She'll be fine,"

I knelt down in front of Charlotte.

"I am going to miss you so much," I told her as I hugged her.

"I love you mommy," she said. She turned to Derek and kissed him. "I love you daddy,"

"Love you too honey," I said giving her one last hug.

Derek and I boarded the plane after no time at all; I sat there tearily as I watched us disembark the gates.

"She'll be fine," he said.

I shook away the tears.

"I miss her already," I told him.

"Let's not worry, this weekend is about us," he smiled putting his hand on my leg, giving it a gentle squeeze. His hands were like magic; they were soft, but not like satin…they had a roughness about them but not like anything coarse; it was almost like a shivering prickle that raised goosebumps to the surface of my skin. He leaned in to kiss me gently; his lips resting lightly on mine, but enough to feel the pressure of their touch; they were full and managed to cover my slightly smaller lips, but this wasn't a power struggle; Derek's lips were just like his arms when they wrapped around me safely; they shielded me from the world through the meaning of our kiss.

"What was that for?" I asked him.

"What do you say we join the high mile club?" he suggested cheekily.

I started to laugh.

"I'm flexible…" I chuckled.

Derek kissed me again.

"That I will agree with," he smiled. He slipped out of his seat and walked up the aisle to the bathroom where I followed him with a laugh. The flight attendant eyed me suspiciously as my eyes flared with anticipation and porny thoughts.

_Damn those porny thoughts…they even make flying porny…_

Derek opened the door slightly, enough for me to slip conspicuously behind it, before I took one more look around to make sure we weren't about to be busted.

Derek ran his hands over my arms and kissed me tenderly. His kiss deepened as his hands slipped down below my waistline and fiddled at my belt buckled.

"Since when…" he murmured through kisses, "…do you wear a belt…?"

I laughed and pulled it out from my belt loops in one swift motion.

"Smooth…" Derek said against my lips. I unbuttoned his shirt and kissed the bare skin as I exposed each area of his chest. "We haven't got much time…"

I unzipped his pants and allowed my hands to dive straight into his boxers as he pulled my jeans straight down my legs and ran his hands over the tops of my thighs.

"Derek…" I murmured as he lifted me up against the wall and kissed my neck.

That moment we both were inducted into the high mile club.

We arrived at SFO and walked over to the rental car hire.

"Car for Shepherd," Derek said to the attendant.

"Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd?" the attendant asked.

Derek smiled.

"That's right," he answered.

I smiled to myself knowing how silly it actually sounded.

At the house, however, silliness was running high into the night.

"Charlie!" Izzie called. "Dinner time!"

George walked into the kitchen and slipped his arms around Izzie.

"Mmm…you know what I just found?" he asked.

Izzie giggled as he kissed her neck.

"What's that?" she asked.

George pulled out a copy of _Seattle_ magazine and flicked it to the centrefold; Izzie's model picture was splashed right before her eyes.

"W-where did you get that?" she asked.

George laughed.

"That's my secret…" he leaned up to her ear. "Maybe you could treat me to a little Bethany Whisper tonight…?"

Izzie shoved him hard against the bench edge; his waistline firmly trapped between the bench and Izzie. The edge dug into his spine and he was beginning to wince in pain.

"Okay, okay, I'll trash it!" George cried as he threw it onto the bench.

Charlotte bounded down the stairs.

"Charlie, sit at the table baby, I'll just get you some pasta!" Izzie told her.

Charlotte clapped her hands excitedly.

Meanwhile, Derek and I arrived at the hotel; I giggled as we got into the elevator.

"Good start," I laughed. I watched closely as Derek pushed the button labelled PH. I frowned as I wondered what it abbreviated. "PH…PH…?"

The elevator burned up the shaft and dinged when it reached it's destination.

"Level 34 the Penthouse,"

My jaw dropped.

"Penthouse?" I squealed as the doors opened and I was faced with where I was going to be staying for the next two days. My eyes scanned the room and followed it over and over the room. The ceilings were high and white, the room was open with floorboards that covered the ground. French doors graced the entire back wall and as I walked into the room I noticed those beautiful doors led out onto a balcony. I slowly put one foot in front of the other and tried my best to walk; Derek put his hand on my back to support me as I walked outside and gasped in shock. Right before my eyes was the entire bay of San Francisco with the Golden Gate Bridge staring right at me.

"Oh my god…" I gasped.

"Honey…" Derek said softly.

I turned around and felt tears rolling down my cheek.

"Derek…" I said. "I don't know how I am going to leave here in two days…"

"Mer…" Derek said.

"I mean if Charlie wasn't waiting and the hospital…and Bailey of course…" I started rambling.

"Meredith!" Derek exclaimed.

I stopped and looked at him.

"You can come back anytime you want…" he told me.

"How?" I cried. "I still can't believe that you got it! It must be booked out for like years in advance!"

Derek grabbed my arms.

"Just wait!" he cried.

I stopped.

"It's ours…" he said.

"What?" I cried.

"This is our penthouse, I bought it!" Derek beamed.

"Oh my god!"

7


	25. The Two Cities

"Seriously?" I exclaimed. "Seriously!"

Derek laughed and wrapped his arms around me.

"Welcome to our holiday home Mrs. Shepherd!" he laughed.

I flashed the ring at him.

"Honey, until those papers are signed…I am not quite Mrs. Shepherd!" I told him.

Derek kissed me deeply.

"Babe, you'll always be Mrs. Shepherd, papers or not!" he smiled. "So what do you say we check out the bed?" a mischievous smile crossed his face and his eyes twinkled with desire as I allowed him to pull me into the bedroom and close the door.

Back in Seattle, however, Charlotte was sitting up on the barstool resting her chin in her hands while looking extremely bored.

"Aunty Izzie can we colour?" she asked.

Izzie turned around and smiled at her.

"Of course we can honey, go and get your crayons," she told her.

Charlotte bounded up the stairs.

George walked into the kitchen, not too long after; he stood behind Izzie and wrapped his arms around her, letting her blonde hair flick in his face; stringy and wavy curls tousling under his fingertips.

"You smell nice," George commented. "New perfume?"

"_Miss Dior_," Izzie answered.

"Miss beautiful…" George's sensations were enhanced by the scent that circulated through his nostrils and flared at his senses. He smelt a combination of roses and flora, but his taste was lingering for her lips; pulling her close with a million vibrations passing through his mouth and lasting in the back of his throat.

"Ew…" a voice interrupted them.

Charlotte was standing at the door with her hands resting on the tiny waistline of her body.

"I'm telling mommy!" she taunted.

Izzie looked at George frantically.

"Oh honey pie…" Izzie fumbled for words and came to no alternative but this one in particular. "Here's ten bucks not to tell her!"

"You're bribing a four year old with money…the same four year old who gets so distracted with her life that she can't tell you where her crayons are from where she left them five minutes ago…?" George cried.

Izzie shrugged.

"Oh god, I am going to be a bad mother!" she cried.

George laughed.

"If you bribe them you will!" he chuckled.

Izzie put her head on the counter.

"Bath time babe!" she said picking up Charlotte and kissing her incessantly.

Meanwhile, some 1000 miles away, it was bath time in the Penthouse of Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd…

I felt his hands encircle me and the water pass over my chest.

"Mmm…this is incredible," I said as he kissed my neck.

Derek smiled and ran his hands down my arms, letting his fingertips tickle the top of my shoulders, my skin erupting with shivers from the light grace of his touch. His hands gently rested on my stomach and cradled the small evidence of a baby bump; running smoothly over it and pressing lightly. I closed my eyes and let my hair fall back into his face, curls were gracing the edge of his shoulder, and falling down in front of his chest, tickling the skin of it; rough sparse hairs on his chest meeting soft and luscious curls of my hair.

"Turn around…" Derek managed to say between the motions of his lips around my neck.

I flipped over to face him where my eyes steadied with his; I straddled his waist where I allowed him to kiss me and guide himself into me.

_I could do this everyday for the rest of my life…_

Later on, I was leaning against the railing of the balcony where my eyes trailed along the glittering skyline; they stopped for a moment and locked onto the water – water was definitely something I didn't forget too easy; but when my eyes glided upwards and my gaze fixed on the bridge, suddenly I eased into another thought…a lot less depressing, a more content thought.

I gasped quickly as I felt arms encircle me from behind.

"What are you doing?" Derek whispered.

"Thinking…" I smiled.

Derek frowned.

"Good thoughts?" he asked.

"Yep…" I replied.

He slipped his hands under my robe and parted it slightly, allowing his fingertips to run over my panties.

"How about now…?" he said softly.

I breathed against the intensity of his feeling.

"Yeah…" my voice trailed off in anticipation; the sound was barely audible.

Derek's hands travelled under the fabric and lightly breeze over the place he knew it was easiest to make me squirm.

"How about now…?" he smiled as my eyes darkened in lusty desire.

"Uh-huh…" my voice was now barely a squeak.

Derek let his hands make magic ripple through my body as the feeling overtook my senses and consumed my thoughts.

_Damn porny thoughts…he even makes looking at a bridge porny…_

I felt fire crackers explode in my mind before I collapsed back against him and breathed heavily.

"Talk about good thoughts…" I drew in sharp and quick breaths.

"Mmm…" Derek pulled his hands away and kissed my neck. "I've gotta have a cold shower…"

"You won't need a shower…" I whispered seductively. Now it was my turn to distract his thoughts; although, his seemingly one track mind would not be distracted so easily.

I pulled on his hands and lead him inside where I pushed him down on the lounge and straddled his waist once more. I felt him hardening under me and saw his eyes fill with deep desire.

"Thank you…" I whispered between kisses. "For making my dreams come true…"

Derek smiled and deepened the kiss; it was then I took the opportunity to reach into his pants and make him quiver at my mercy.

"Mer…" he murmured against my lips. "I love you…"

I smiled at him and kissed him again.

"I love you too…"

Moments later, I lied on his chest, breathing in every scent of him; letting my eyelashes flutter against his skin and tickle the stubble on his neck…That stubble…oh it made me feel so at home; it was prickling against my forehead as his chin rested slightly on the top of my head.

"God, Izzie would love this place…" I thought out loud.

"You're thinking about Izzie?" Derek groaned.

I looked up and smiled at him.

"I'm thinking about a lot of things," I laughed.

It was true; I was thinking about home…and all the things that could be happening there.

"Charlie is fine," Derek interrupted my thoughts.

I smiled at him knowingly; I left her in the hands of very capable adults.

Those _very capable adults_ were forgetting that Izzie's cookies were in the oven burning while they sat in the lounge room watching movies with Charlotte, who was beginning to fall asleep.

Izzie rested gently on George's shoulder, breathing in his aftershave and taking in the scents of him; he smelled so…incredible…his Calvin Klein teasing her senses and were it not for Charlotte, she would have taken him right then and there.

But something else flared her nostrils – a smoky smell…something very unlike George, but something very much like Meredith…a burnt smell…a burnt food smell.

"Shit!" Izzie jumped up.

Charlotte's jaw dropped to the ground.

"The cookies! Oh shit!" Izzie yelled running into the kitchen.

George looked at Charlotte.

"I'm telling mommy!" she cried running into the kitchen.

"Crap, crap, crap!" Izzie pulled out the cookies and threw them on the bench; the charcoaled mess scattering across the bench top.

"Aunty Izzie!" Charlotte exclaimed. "You used bad words and burnt the cookies!"

Izzie looked at George helplessly, who was trying his best to muster a laugh.

"Shut up George!" Izzie shot back. Her eyes and cheeks were burning with embarrassment. She turned to Charlotte. "Sweetheart, can I give you twenty dollars to not tell mommy?"

Charlotte beamed.

"Okay!" she said happily snatching the twenty dollar bill out of Izzie's hand.

"Now, it's bedtime princess!" George smiled.

Charlotte nodded as Izzie carried her up the stairs, George following closely in tow. They walked into the bedroom and turned on the light, a flood of bright light enhancing the bright pink walls, sending reflections through the canopy that covered the bed. Izzie pulled back the covers of the white and pink comforter that covered the bed and slipped Charlotte under them; placing a light kiss on her forehead.

"Goodnight honey," Izzie smiled.

"Night-night Aunty Izzie, I love you!" Charlotte replied.

George leaned down to snuggle her nose.

"Goodnight little darling," he said to her. "I love you so much…"

He almost choked on his words; his little niece meant more to him in the world than he could imagine.

"I love you Uncle George," Charlotte smiled at him and touched his cheek with her tiny little hands; she looked like a little fairy lying in that big bed.

George and Izzie walked into their bedroom and closed the door; needless to say Bethany Whisper was reproduced that night!


	26. Home

The next day, Derek and I made every effort to do most things a San Franciscan would; we travelled by tram down the main street; ate corn dogs at the lookouts and even did a day trip to the markets

The next day, Derek and I made every effort to do most things a San Franciscan would; we travelled by tram down the main street; ate corn dogs at the lookouts and even did a day trip to the markets. At lunch, however, we relaxed on a picnic rug in a small secluded area that overlooked the Golden Gate Bridge; while it was no view compared to our penthouse, it certainly made lunch romantic.

I looked ahead; taking each breath slow and steady. The smells that surrounded me were pertinently different to Seattle; the haziness of the city didn't seem to captivate my sense of smell and I felt as though the air was clearer. For me, however, the sights were so much more different – the water seemed bluer as I fixed my gaze on the rippled lake that stretched before us, running directly under the bridge. I looked back at the city which was nestled quietly behind the bushland that stretched behind us. San Francisco was seemingly peaceful than the hustle bustle of Seattle that I had become so accustomed to. It was almost similar to Boston in some ways; home hearted people with very standard living; nothing too exuberant compared to the sleepless lifestyle of Seattle.

"I could live here…" I let those words slip from the silence of my mind, to the vocal of my words.

Derek smiled and kissed my shoulder as he sat down behind me and lifted his knees to support my sides. I rested the back of my head on his chest and ran my hands over the tops of his thighs as they sat either side of me.

"We can come back anytime Mer…" he whispered.

I breathed in a deep sigh.

"But it isn't home…"

Derek shook his head.

"No honey, it isn't home…" he agreed.

As much as the smells and silence captivated my senses, I couldn't shake the unease that I felt from being so far away from home. When I was at home I felt comforted by the smells and sounds. The sounds of Charlotte playing in her rooms with her dolls was something that I distinctly remembered at that moment; she usually sits in the middle of her floor on top of the white shaggy rug, making lives for her dolls in a huge dollhouse that Izzie and I found at a vintage store. In there, she talks in different voices, making conversation between the dolls and building relationships like no adult could sometimes manage. The smells of home were starting to return as I recalled these sounds; as I walk through the door, I am usually greeted with the lemon fresh scent of the floors being mopped by Izzie; a scent that comforted me, with the knowledge that I didn't have to clean the house. The lounge room was usually spotless with the occasional magazine flicked open to interior decorating, or motorbikes, depending if it was read by Izzie or Derek, dolls were sometimes sitting on the lounge wrapped in blankets if Charlotte had been watching TV while she was playing. The kitchen…oh the smells I loved the most; it was always something different, cookies and cakes or even icing that was freshly spread across her baking, and more so, the smell of rosemary that accompanied every dish of Izzie's. In that moment I breathed in the smell as if I was there, whilst letting a tear slide down my cheek.

Derek took my shoulders and gripped them lightly, his skin soft on my bare shoulders as they ran up and down my arms.

"I miss home…" I whispered.

Derek chuckled as I threw him a dirty, tearful look.

"Oh honey," Derek kissed my tears away from my cheeks. "It's just you were only saying a second ago how you could live here, and last night you didn't know if you could leave here…"

I frowned and folded my arms.

"I just miss my daughter…" I started to cry. "Is that such a crime?"

Derek smiled lovingly.

"No sweetheart, it isn't," he said kissing me once more. "You miss your bed and your home that makes you who you are…"

I nodded.

"I just want to see Charlie…" I told him.

Derek looked at me, his eyes looking strained and tearful.

"Me too…" he sighed pulling me close and breathing in the scents of my hair, which to him were more home than any house. For him, it was coming into the bed at night and reaching under the covers to hold me close. To him, I was always warm regardless of the temperature outside, serving as his own personal heater, keeping him comfortable at night. He once told me that sleeping alone was the most hellish ordeal and it usually resulted in no sleep at all. The lavender scent drove him crazy; I could never sneak up behind him as my hair always gave me away but that didn't worry me, I loved knowing that I made him feel home from something as simple as the smell of lavender.

He tilted my chin to look at him.

"We go home first thing tomorrow, okay," he smiled. "Now let's try our best to make the most of it; we'll finish our lunch, go back and have a rest and then we'll go out for dinner…"

"And for dessert?" I smiled cheekily.

"I guess we'll have to make our own…" Derek answered with a low tone that edged its way into my ear, sitting on the tip of his lips.

_His lips…_

I couldn't help but whip around and take his lips on mine, breathing heavily as I searched for more than a kiss. I rummaged my hands over his chest, grabbing the material and pulling it back so that he, too, fell back down onto the rug; his body covered mine as we kissed.

"Oh dear, they're like us…" an old voice sounded close by.

I opened my eyes to catch the glimpse of an older couple. Instinctively I shoved Derek off me and sat up, my cheeks colouring pink.

"Very sweet…" the lady commented before her and the man walked away.

I chuckled as Derek sat up; I breathed a sigh of contentment as I watched them walk away hand in hand.

"I hope we're like that…" I smiled.

"We will be…" he promised.

I stood up and grabbed his hand to pull him up as well.

"Ready to go home?" I asked.

Derek nodded.

"Okay," he answered.

We entered the elevator and I couldn't help but grab him to kiss him.

"I love you…" I murmured against his lips as I let my hands fall below his waistline, feeling him hardening at my touch.

"I love you too…" Derek said between kisses. "But honey…we can't…not here…"

I laughed as I opened his belt buckle.

"It's never stopped us before…" I smiled seductively.

The elevator dinged at our door and opened to our suite.

I didn't allow much time for Derek to open the door as I was growing more and more impatient. I needed him right then and there; the cracks of the doors opened and I shoved him through, crashing into the wall with my back, I felt his hands travel up my spine in search of my bra clasp.

In that moment I had never felt crazier.

Craziness was running at a height back in Seattle that night as George and Charlotte were both getting up to no good in the living room. George had raided the linen closet for sheets and was teaching Charlotte the camping basics. He had built a tent from the chairs and lamp posts and was proceeding to make a pretend campfire; what weren't pretend, however, were the marshmallows on sticks in the living room.

"Charlie, do you want more marshmallows?" George asked going into the kitchen.

"Yep!" Charlotte was completely hyped out on sugar. "Some more for teddy and Lolly Doll!"

Lolly Doll was Charlotte's new doll that never left her side.

George chuckled, but his laughter was short lived when he heard the jingle of keys in the door.

"Crap!" he exclaimed running into the living room with his hands full of marshmallows and cookies.

"Holy mother of destruction!" Izzie exclaimed.

George looked innocently.

"I was teaching Charlie how to go camping…" he said.

Izzie couldn't believe her eyes.

"Aunty Izzie!" Charlotte said happily running over to Izzie and hugging her legs tightly. "We are sleeping in the tent tonight, it's our home!"

Izzie laughed.

"Oh dear," she put her hand to her forehead.

That night, Charlotte and Izzie fell asleep next to George.

"Iz…" he whispered in Izzie's ear.

She stirred.

"We'll take her up to bed…" he scooped Charlotte into his arms and carried her into her bed. As he fitted the blanket securely around her, he slipped her teddy and doll under the covers with her. "Good night beautiful princess,"

Charlotte opened her eyes slightly.

"Thank you for my tent Uncle George…" she said before drifting off to sleep.


	27. Author's Note 3

A/N

A/N.

Hi everyone, I really appreciate all the feedback for the past chapters, it has been really fantastic that you have all enjoyed it so much. I love writing it for you. Please keep reviewing because it makes a real difference to know what you like and what you don't.

At the moment I am thinking of forwarding the fic a few months and possibly sending Mer into premature labour…but that's an idea in the works…let me know if you think its good or not.

I loved having San Francisco part of the fic because it was an area that is close enough for them to escape to every so often. The penthouse meant that there was always a way to come back to San Fran…you never know who will need to escape from time to time!

I try to write a little bit of sex, but I realise I don't do it well.

Once again, I really appreciate all your reviews and a big thank you to those who continue to review on a regular basis.

Much love to all of you!

Amy.


	28. A Trip In Review

Derek and I arrived home not too late that day to be greeted by Charlotte running out the front door.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!" she squealed as she ran into my arms.

"Oh honey!" I said happily as she threw her arms around me. I kissed her face over and over again, taking in her scent. "I missed you so much!"

Derek picked her up.

"Wow, I think you have grown already…only two days and you're getting bigger and bigger!" he told her as hugged her tightly. "Did you have fun?"

Izzie smiled and put her arm around me.

"Good to have you home," she said.

As we entered the house I came face to face with my lounge room, the camping ground.

"Oh my god!" I cried. "What happened in here?"

"We went camping mommy!" Charlotte answered with a beaming smile.

_How could I be angry at that face?_

"I can see that!" I laughed.

We all sat down in the kitchen where Izzie poured coffee and pulled out a plate of freshly baked muffins; I breathed in the scent and allowed it to consume the aromas around me.

"I missed that smell…" I told Izzie.

She smiled and rested her hand on my shoulder.

"Home hey?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Where's my copy of _Seattle_?" George asked. "There's a new design for the lounge room I wanted to pre approve with Mer…"

I laughed.

"No more designs George!"

Charlotte came back down the stairs from up in her room.

"Where were you little miss?" Derek asked.

Charlotte giggled secretively.

"It's a surprise!" she said.

I laughed and walked over picking her up.

"I missed you so much baby," I told her.

Charlotte snuggled into my arms and cuddled me tightly.

I sat back down at the table and pulled her onto my lap.

"Okay, so here are the pictures…" I opened a package of newly developed photos from the trip.

One by one we looked at them, we stopped at some pictures of Alcatraz and Izzie looked at them intently, studying every detail.

"Wow, that looks really creepy…" she said.

"It was creepier when Derek walked out of the cell and left me there," I replied.

Izzie started laughing.

"Yeah, you laugh now," I smiled.

I flicked it to pictures of the penthouse.

"Oh wow! You stayed at the penthouse?" Izzie cried.

George's jaw dropped down as he picked up the photo.

"The penthouse?" he exclaimed.

"Well, we can go there whenever!" I told them, slowly getting to the point of the conversation.

"Are you kidding?" Izzie cried. "How did you get there in the first place? It's probably booked out for the entire year!"

"Yeah, some schmuck bought it while we were there…" Derek chuckled.

"Damn…" Izzie sighed. "I would kill to stay at the penthouse,"

"I'm sure that it can be arranged..." Derek said.

Izzie frowned.

"But you said that some schmuck bought it…?" Izzie said.

I started laughing and pointed to Derek.

"Meet the schmuck!" I laughed.

Izzie and George both allowed their jaws to drop to the floor.

"Seriously?!" they cried.

"Seriously." I smiled.

Izzie couldn't believe her ears.

"You own the penthouse…?" she tried to find the words to express how she was feeling.

Derek and I nodded.

"Like those photos are literally looking from _your_ balcony in _your_ penthouse?" she repeated. "That _you_ bought when _you_ were in San Francisco…?"

Derek laughed.

"Well, actually, I bought the penthouse before we went to San Francisco, but yes they are from our balcony," he answered.

Izzie shook her head in disbelief.

"But, I have to say, if you and George need a place to stay or just a getaway home, feel free too go whenever…" Derek added on.

Izzie and George's attention snapped. Now it was George's turn to be a little neurotic.

"Seriously?" he cried.

"Seriously." Derek answered.

Charlotte climbed off my lap and walked upstairs.

"Where are you going sweetie?" I asked her.

Charlotte looked at me and shrugged with a hint of secrecy.

"Just to my room mommy," she smiled kissing my cheek.

I smiled at her and then looked at Derek.

"Better get these suitcases upstairs," I suggested.

Derek nodded, knowing exactly what I was up to.

"Good idea," he replied.

Izzie and George exchanged glances; they also knew what I was suggesting.

Derek put his hand down on the small of my back and guided me up to the bedroom where we passed Charlotte's closed door. I frowned and looked at Derek.

"What is that girl up to?" I wondered out loud.

I pushed our door open and was greeted by a familiar smell; a combination of Derek's aftershave and my lavender shampoo; it floated in the air as my eyes darted around the room, noticing everything was still in its place. I let my gaze fall down to the bedside table where I saw an upturned book of Derek's sitting there; on the other bedside table were my nose strips that I wore from time to time.

My gaze was interrupted when Derek grabbed my waist and pulled me in for a kiss. He closed the door and pushed me against it where his hands travelled over my breasts and across my abdomen. He pressed his lips firmly against the skin of my neck, letting them make their way up to my ear.

"Derek…" I breathed heavily.

"God Mer…" Derek was growing excited; notable through what his body was now telling me. "I missed the sex in here…in our own house…"

I felt his hands slip down under my skirt and pull my panties to the side to allow him to tease me some more.

"Derek…" I moaned against his lips. "Not a lot of time…"

"You know I can't make it go quick…" Derek pushed me down on the bed where he pressed a trail of kisses from the top of my neck down my chest and across my stomach.

"Honey…quick…" I murmured.

Derek allowed me to unbuckle his belt and pull his jeans down where we had the quickest sex we'd had in a while.

Suddenly I heard the doorknob rattling.

"Mommy!" Charlotte called. "Daddy, open the door!"

I gasped and pulled my skirt up from the floor.

"Quick!" I said breathlessly, still reeling from the awesome quick sex we'd experienced only moments earlier.

Derek threw his pants back on and opened the door, only to feel Charlotte collapse against him.

"What is it honey?" he asked.

"Come see my surprise for you!" Charlotte exclaimed taking both our hands. "It's Aunty Izzie!"

Her door swung open and our mouths dropped to the floor.

"Oh my god!"

I looked around the room and found pin ups of Izzie from the Bethany Whisper catalogue.

"Charlie…" I breathed out a long sigh.

I heard voices that I recognised as Izzie, Cristina, George and Alex.

_This was bad_.

"What are we do…" Izzie's voice trailed off as she came face to face with her past that was now plastered over her niece's room. "…ing…"

Alex mustered a laugh, as did Cristina.

"Crap…" was all I could say.

Charlotte looked back at us swaying happily from side to side.

**A/N: Well...that would be a little funny to see! The next chapter is going to skip 6months ahead! Mer will be about 8 months pregnant and Charlie will be nearly five!**

**Reviews adored! **


	29. Welcome To The World

**6 months later...**

At 8 months pregnant, it was becoming harder to keep up with a daily routine; from behind I looked the same but when I turned around, I looked as though I had a giant watermelon strapped to my belly. Charlotte was becoming more demanding as the due date neared.

That day however, was her birthday party and I was very busy organising it.

There sounded a knock at the door; as I peered through the glass I saw a mass of balloons crowd my gaze.

"Whoa!" I cried as Izzie emerged from behind the sea of pink balloons.

"Great, huh?" she smiled.

The party was princess themed, much to my dismay but needlessly much to the delight of Charlotte. She had insisted that we all wear pretty clothes and tiaras and crowns. Izzie had gone slightly overboard with designing ours and I was trying my best to avoid wearing it.

George had pieced together an arrangement of pink decorations and Izzie was baking up a storm of princess cupcakes and a cake in the shape of a castle.

Charlotte bounded down the stairs in a pink princess dress; her hair on the other hand, was messy and knotty.

"Mommy! Can you fix my hair?" she asked as she handed me the brush.

I nodded and braided her hair so that it fell lightly down her back.

The party was small, some of Charlotte's friends from day care, a set of twins, Lily and Macy and of course Tucker who came with Bailey, a little further into the party. Of course the given guests were Izzie, George, Cristina, Lexie and I; Derek was on his way home from the hospital.

I sat in the chair and watched Charlotte play. She looked up and came running over to me, resting her head on my belly and smiling at me.

"Come up here baby," I pulled her up into my arms. "Are you having a nice party?"

She nodded happily.

"Go and have some lollies honey," I whispered in her ear.

I watched her run over to the table and have lolly after lolly; I watched her play with the children. I felt content and at ease…relaxed…

SPLASH!

"Oh god…" I breathed. "Shit!"

Charlotte's jaw dropped down.

"Mommy!" she gasped.

"Cristina…" I said.

Cristina whipped around and saw the pool of water around my feet.

"Crap!" she cried. "Izzie! We've got a spill!"

"Just clean it up Cristina!" Izzie cried as she turned around; her cupcake dropped from her hand as she realised what was happening. "Oh, not that kind of spill…"

Everyone stopped to look at us, not knowing where to start.

As a group of doctors, we knew exactly what to do.

"Keys!" Cristina yelled.

"Bag!" George chimed in.

"Charlie!" Izzie grabbed Charlotte.

Bailey grabbed my arm.

"Forgetting the labouring mom?" she asked.

Lexie ran over and supported me with her equally tiny arms.

We all climbed into the car and Cristina shoved George out of the way to climb into the drivers seat.

"Move over Bambi!" she yelled.

"Has someone called Derek?" I asked Izzie.

"He's meeting us at the hospital!" Izzie told me.

Suddenly we burned out of the driveway and Cristina floored the accelerator of the BMW down the street.

"Shit!" I yelled. "Cristina, I will kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah, I don't do vagina and I am not about to take the chance on the possibility that I am going to have to deliver this baby on the side of the road!" Cristina yelled back.

"Oh god!" I screamed. The pain seemed to intensify and my contractions were only minutes apart.

"Yeah, I can't concentrate with you screaming!" Cristina said to me.

I glared at her.

"Shut up and drive!" I yelled.

Cristina floored the accelerator one more time where she sped the entire way to the hospital; as we reached the emergency entrance, we all climbed out. Izzie grabbed my hand and George carried Charlotte.

Addison met us in Delivery and I was still trying to call Derek. With the fear of going into the delivery room alone, I grabbed Cristina's arm.

"You have to come with me…" I told her.

Cristina went stark white; her usually pale skin went an almost transparent grey as the words came out of my mouth. Her piercing brown eyes darted back and forth across my face wondering if I was actually serious. The fear that erupted from her voice was certainly conveyed in her eyes.

"N-no Mer, take George or Izzie!" she cried.

I started to cry.

"Please Cristina!" I pleaded. "You gotta do this for me…Derek's not here and I'm scared…and you don't need to look at my vagina or anything… I just need to hold your hand! I need you to come into that delivery room with me and promise that I will be okay! I need to know that I can do this!"

Cristina put her hand on my forehead.

"Okay," she said as she mustered all the courage to come in there.

I lied down on my side in the delivery room with Cristina rubbing my back. Addison entered the room.

"Okay Mer, lie on your back and let's go!" she said.

"Where's Derek?" I sobbed.

"I'm right here honey…" Derek emerged through the door.

"Cristina, I need you to grab one of her legs, Derek grab the other…" Addison instructed as they braced their arms around my legs. "Now I need one big push Meredith!"

I felt my sides split in two as I pushed hard.

"Oh god!" I screamed as I grabbed Cristina's hand. "I can't do it!" I sobbed.

Cristina grabbed my face.

"You can do this!" she said with tears glistening in her eyes.

I shook my head and choked back my tears.

"No, I can't…the pain…" I sobbed.

"Meredith! You _can_ do this!" Cristina said.

Derek ran his hand over my cheek.

"It's okay honey," he said.

"Okay, I can see the head Meredith! But you need to give me one big push to pass the shoulders…" Addison said.

I took one deep breath as she counted me in.

"One…Two…Three…Push!"

"Ahh!" I screamed. The pain was so unbearable.

"Good, good; one more, we're almost there Mer! You're doing great honey!" Addison said. "Okay, push!"

With one last scream I pushed with all my might; the pressure eased as I drew in a sharp inward breath. Cristina and Derek also held their breath…

And there it was; a tiny little cry.

"It's a boy!" Addison smiled.

I saw Derek start to cry and I looked at Cristina to see her sobbing.

"You did good," she whispered as she wept openly in front of me.

"Welcome to the world little baby," Addison smiled at the baby. "Let's meet your mommy," she placed the baby on my chest.

I felt my eyes well with tears as I looked at him – love at first sight.

"Do you have a name?" Addison asked softly.

I looked up at Derek and nodded.

"Riley," I told them. "Riley Shepherd,"

_My little Riley_.

The doors opened and Izzie, George and Charlotte emerged.

"Oh…" Izzie said softly. "He's amazing Mer…"

I smiled and looked up at Charlotte who was nestling timidly in George's arms.

"Hey little one," I said to her. "This is your little brother…"

Derek pulled Charlotte from George and sat her on the bed where she stared blankly at Riley.

The room slowly emptied and after a while I was on my own with the baby; my baby…I was scared…and tearful.

I was now crying.

"Hey sexy mommy," came a voice. "Don't cry around the boy, you'll turn him soft!"

I looked up to see Mark standing there.

"Mark…" I sighed as I wiped away my tears.

He walked in and perched himself on the edge of the bed staring at Riley.

"He's the newest member of the Mc Club!" he smiled. "McTeeny!"

I smiled back at him.

"Keep those taunts away from my beautiful little boy!" I ran my hand over Riley's tiny head; he was such a tiny baby, a light six and a half pounds.

"He is beautiful Mer," Mark stood up and kissed my forehead. "You are beautiful,"

I smiled again.

"Thanks Mark,"

Mark walked out of the room.

Momentarily Derek entered.

"Hey," he smiled as he walked in and kissed my forehead. "Hey little man," he let his fingertips caress the top of Riley's head.

"Where's Charlie?" I asked him as he sat in the chair next to my bed and reached out for Riley. I passed him over, a little reluctantly.

"She went home with Izzie…" Derek said.

"Poor little thing, I ruined her birthday party…" I sighed.

Derek frowned.

"No you didn't honey," he said.

"Then why wouldn't she look at me?" I asked tearily; the post-natal hormones were slowing seeping through my body.

Riley started crying.

"Oh Riley," I sighed taking him back from Derek. "It's okay, mommy's here…"

Derek watched lovingly as I put Riley to sleep in my arms.

Life was changing.

* * *

**Welcome to Riley Shepherd... **

**R&R all! I haven't experienced childbirth so writing it was a little difficult - I want to play on it a little more with Charlie adjusting to the new life; but i'll see where that goes. Cristina in the delivery room was something i think Mer needed; just as Cristina needed her on the wedding day. i hope that sufficed for them in the developments of their friendship!**

**Let me know if you have any ideas!!**


	30. Love and Support

"Mommy…" I heard the familiar sound of Charlotte's voice whisper quietly in my ear that morning. I rolled over and opened my eyes, realising that I was in my bedroom; Charlotte's topaz blue eyes were staring at me and sparkling brightly.

"Hey baby," I smiled faintly. "Wanna come into my bed? You haven't been in here for a couple of days…"

Charlotte smiled at me and climbed under the covers as I pulled them back. She snuggled into my arms and wrapped her arms around my newly slimmed waist as she cuddled me tightly.

"Mmm…it's good to have my baby with me," I said in her ear. "I've missed my Charlie cuddles,"

Charlotte looked up and kissed me.

"I've missed that too!" I smiled at her and kissed her back.

"Riley is still sleeping…" she said looking over at the cot.

I nodded; Riley was a great sleeper. He had only been home a little under a week and already he had slept through the night for the third time over a few days.

I ran my hand through Charlotte's hair and took a breath of her strawberry scented locks; while I was in love with Riley to the end of the earth, I tried my best to make sure I divided my attention between the two children. I hated the thought that Charlotte would feel neglected or saddened by the birth of her brother. I flicked the gentle waves of Charlotte's hair between my fingers as they fell in her face with the motion of her breath. I smiled at how pretty she looked with her auburn hair highlighting the creaminess and purity of her skin tone. But I saw something else, a lessened sparkle in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Mommy…" her voice was so soft that it was almost inaudible.

"What is it?" I replied.

"Do you love me as much as you love the baby?" she asked me with the most innocent and saddened tone.

My eyes felt heavy from the tears as a few of them drifted into the brims of my eyelids; I didn't want them to fall but needless to say they escaped without a moments' notice, letting my emotions get the better of me as I almost broke down in front of Charlotte.

"Oh my darling, of course I do…" I sighed. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and rubbed her back as I felt the muscles in her body contract and release a wave of emotions that caused her to start crying.

"Then, how come you don't play with me anymore?" she sobbed. "You only play with Riley…"

I didn't know how to answer her; my mouth opened but with no result as the words were unable to form. There was nothing, not a sound; an inaudible gasp of air that offered a reaction but no noise. I was at a complete loss for words and I certainly could not find an answer. All I could do was allow my arms to encircle her, hold her and try my best to comfort her; just to pray like hell that she would feel better.

"Sometimes sweetie, when babies are only a few days old, they need people in the world to help them; make them feel safe, people to look after them…just like me and daddy, and Uncle George and Aunty Izzie, Aunty Lexie and Aunty Cristina all look out for you…Riley just needs mommy…" I said to her. While I wasn't sure if I was making any sense, I just hoped that she understood what was happening. "But how about today, I will leave Riley with daddy and you and I will go and have some fun…"

My suggestions succeeded in gaining a small and gentle smile from Charlotte. Satisfied with that remark I proceeded to get out of bed; but not a moment too soon, Riley started to stir and let out a little cry.

"Oh," I sighed walking over to the cot and pulling him out. "Its okay buddy, mommy's here…" I rocked him back and forth and sat down on the bed where I rested him in my arms. Charlotte looked at him hesitantly and moved a little closer. I smiled at her. "Do you want to hold him?"

Charlotte's eyes widened and I saw a little smile creep across her face.

"Okay," she answered.

"Sit up against the bed and hold your arms like you do with Lolly Doll," I told her with a contented smile.

Charlotte followed my lead and when I had her sitting in a comfortable position I passed Riley over to her. she sat stiff for a while, wondering what to do with a baby in her arms and fearing the idea that she would break him, hurt him, or do something wrong. Riley opened his eyes at her and smiled as much as a one week old baby could smile; it allowed Charlotte to relax a little.

"Mommy…Riley is smiling!" she pointed out.

"He must know that his big sister is holding him!" I told her.

Charlotte beamed at the thought.

Later that day, Charlotte and I spent time together in the city; I took her up the Space Needle for lunch and then followed on for a trip on a ferry boat. By the time the day was through, I loaded her into the car and she closed her eyes. As I arrived home I opened the car door and saw her sleeping.

"Oh honey," I said softly as I pulled her out of the car. I carried her inside as she remained asleep in my arms. Derek opened the door and smiled.

"Wore her out?"

I nodded and looked around.

"Where's Riley?" I asked quickly.

I heard baby voices coming from the kitchen.

"Izzie is changing him," he laughed.

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm just putting her in bed and I'll come down, okay?" I said.

Derek smiled.

"I'll come too," he said as he followed me up the stairs.

In Charlotte's bedroom I turned the night light on to allow for a little bit of illumination to flood the room. I pulled a pair of pyjamas from Charlotte's drawers and slowly changed her into them.

"She had a great day…" I smiled as I tucked the blanket around her. "She's such a great kid,"

Derek nodded.

"She's beautiful," he told me. "Just like her mommy,"

I blushed slightly and kissed Charlotte's forehead.

"Goodnight honey," I whispered.

"Goodnight mommy…" her voice was a gentle murmur.

Derek and I walked out of the room and gently pulled the door closed behind us. He stopped me in the hallway and pressed me against the wall where his hands explored my abdomen. He pressed quick and loving kisses all over my face and my neck.

"Mmm…I wanna see Riley," I smiled and kissed him quickly before I made my way into the kitchen where Izzie was holding Riley.

She looked up.

"Hey buddy, mommy's home!" Izzie cooed at Riley.

I smiled widely and walked briskly to scoop him out of Izzie's arms.

"Hello my little man!" I said happily as I kissed his forehead. "Oh, mommy missed you today!"

Riley let out a gargle of excitement.

"Are you ready for bed?" I asked him. "Because you look ready for bed and mommy is very tired,"

Derek put his hand on my shoulder.

"I moved the cot into the nursery extension," he said.

I frowned; Derek had opened the wall into a small room next to mine so that it could be a nursery, but I was still a little nervous to put Riley in there.

"But, honey he is only a week old…" I sighed.

Derek nodded and kissed my forehead.

"Sweetie, it is okay, he is only an extra five steps away," he said.

Izzie nodded as she chewed on a biscuit.

"He's right Mer," she said. "You need to get him into that nursery ASAP because you'll wanna start having sex again soon and well…" Izzie looked at our embarrassed faces. "…Oh my god you've done it already! Oh that poor child!"

I laughed and shook my head.

"No, we haven't…" I sighed.

Derek shoved me gently in a way they meant, 'stop talking about our sex lives to your roommate'.

"Well I am just saying as all, he needs to go into that nursery!" Derek blurted out, a little more firmly than I initially anticipated.

I shot him a teary and angry look; I was angry, my cheeks turned a shade of red and my usually content green eyes flared.

"I'm going to bed…" I told him. I looked down at Riley. "Come on gorgeous boy; let's get you ready for bed,"

I walked Riley upstairs and into the bedroom where I stood for a while looking at the cot; half tempted to move it. Deep down I knew that Derek and Izzie were right, he needed to go there, but I surely didn't want to have to admit that.

I put Riley in the cot and kissed his forehead gently as he fluttered his eyes shut.

"Goodnight sweetheart," I said softly.

I turned on the SIDS baby monitor and carried the extension with me as I walked back over to my bed. I sat on the edge for a while, tracing the quilt and thinking about my life; thinking never really got me anywhere these days. I lifted the sheet up and climbed under it, feeling the cold air engulf my legs and body; usually I would have someone to hold onto. I couldn't help but be a little upset though, he was supposed to love and support me, but I felt right then that he wasn't supporting me. I had absolutely no doubt that he loved me, but I wanted more that night.

Derek came into the room momentarily, he stopped at the nursery door and peered in at his sleeping son; a creation that was perfect to him in every way. He stopped to look at me, I felt his gaze on me and with no words he knew I was awake. But I was still upset, not angry, just upset. When he climbed into bed he leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Goodnight honey," he whispered.

I said nothing.

With a heavy sigh and a saddened look, Derek rolled over the other way and closed his eyes. But when the tears started to roll down my cheeks, he knew something was wrong. I let go of a tiny sniffle causing him to jump up.

"What is it sweetheart?" he asked lovingly as he reached over my waist to look at me.

I wiped away my tears.

"You think I am a bad mom, don't you?" I said as I turned on my back to look at him, my eyes red and puffy and my cheeks stained red from my tears.

The tears flowed freely from my eyes and I couldn't take it anymore, I sobbed and cried and let a shower of rain erupt from my eyes.

Derek cupped his hands around my face as I sat up to face him; he kissed away the tears as they fell and allowed me to hold onto his wrists as his hands never left my face. His eyes were still the brightest I had seen them in the glittering essence of the moonlight; they flared of sadness as they looked deep into my eyes, but they showed care and comfort as they never left my gaze.

"You are a wonderful mother," he said softly. "I see those children with you and I want to cry some days, Mer they love you so much and you love them…I know you want to keep Riley close to you, because that is just who you are, but he will be okay,"

"I just don't want him to feel abandoned…like…" I started to say but my voice coiled in silence.

"Like you did," Derek sighed.

I nodded.

"Sweetie, Riley will never feel the way you did because you will never make that mistake like your parents did, okay?" Derek said.

I nodded and kissed him.

"Thank you," I smiled against my tears.

"I love you," he told me.

"I love you too," I answered.

Right in that moment I looked at Derek, he had never looked more beautiful…more sexy for that matter, and I wanted him even more. His hands snaked their way around my waist and pulled me in as I felt the way his body wanted me too. Our lips met in the sweetest of ways and I couldn't contain the urges that my body was giving; I moved my hands up and over his bare chest feeling the skin rise small goosebumps as I touched him, his body reacting with mine. Our clothes slowly fell to the ground as I lied back on the bed and pulled him down to me where his stubbled tickled my chin lightly as he placed quick and soft kisses around my face and neck.

Slowly his kisses made their way down my abdomen and kissed my stomach that had become new to him all over again. I reached for his head as it moved to my chest, grabbing his hair and running my fingers through it; exploring the grace of his curls as they flickered a shine as the moonlight tickled its way through the cracks in the curtains. His face moved up until it was just above mine. His lips lingered over my nose and my lips as he made love to me.

For a moment I was lost; lost in his arms. I was lost in a moment that said so much and meant so much more; this was where I belonged and I couldn't ask for more.


	31. Dreams and Sickness

My senses of security were short lived that night; I was having a nightmare but it seemed so real. My world swirled into a reality I could have never imagined.

_I looked around the dark and unilluminated room that seemed crazy and unfamiliar to me; but as my eyes darted across the room to face a dark and cold figure._

_"Oh my god…" I breathed._

_"Shut up!" the voice hissed._

_I looked over to see the figure holding two things in his arms. My eyes tried their best to focus on what was there; they grew wide as my focus allowed me to see Charlotte and Riley. I couldn't say a thing; my words wouldn't form in my open mouth._

_"Kids!" I cried. "Charlie, Riley!"_

_It was no use; Charlotte's mouth was silenced by the figure's hand._

_"How much do you love these children Meredith?" the figure asked. "Are you willing to sacrifice your life for them…?"_

_I sobbed as the sentence rang in my head; but there was no hesitation in my response._

_"Yes! Yes, of course! They're my babies!" I screamed. "Please, please give me back my babies! You can't do this to me!"_

_"You did this to yourself Meredith," the figure replied._

_I saw him walk towards me, but still, the darkened room shielded his face. I cried and sobbed loudly and saw two little tears trickling down Charlotte's cheeks. As the figure drew near, I shivered at the sudden drop in temperature from the icy chill of the sight before me._

_"I just want my children!" I sobbed louder._

_"Shut the hell up!" the figure shouted gruffly._

_I drew a sharp inward breath as the figure flickered something shiny in the light. I screamed as I realised that it was a knife; my breathing grew heavy as I saw him move it slightly. In the moonlight I could see Charlotte shaking with fear as the figure's smile flashed at me with an evil grin._

_"Please!" I screamed. "Please no!"_

_"You did this to yourself Meredith!" the figure shouted._

_"I love them!" my cries were deafening._

_"Meredith…!" the figure yelled._

The voices changed and my world swirled once again.

"Mer! Wake up!" Derek was shaking me. "Meredith, wake up! You're having a bad dream honey!"

I jumped up, drenched in sweat and unable to control the shakes that were consuming my body.

"The babies!" I sobbed. "Where are the children?"

"Riley's in bed," Derek looked confused and saddened.

I climbed out of bed and rushed over to Riley's cot. I breathed a sigh of relief to see him sleeping peacefully. I then took a sharp breath wondering still about Charlotte. I ran to her room and screamed. She wasn't there. Her bed was empty, a sickening sight of unfilled sheets.

Derek came running in as he heard me screaming, I was desperately fumbling through her sheets with all belief that she was just buried under the mound of covers.

"She's not here!" I cried. "Oh my god…she isn't here!"

Derek opened all the wardrobe doors as he, too, grew frantic.

Izzie and George came running into the room in the midst of the commotion that was coming from the painted pink walls.

"What's going on?" Izzie exclaimed.

"Someone took her…oh my god!" I screamed. "Call the police Derek!"

George ran downstairs in a desperate search for clues.

Breaking the icy cold fate that lied before us, a small voice came from the doorway of her bedroom.

"Mommy…?"

I whipped around and sank to my knees in relief.

"Charlie…" I whispered grabbing her and holding her tightly.

Derek rushed over and enveloped us both in a hug; I looked up to see tears glistening in the corner of his eyes.

"George, we've got her!" Izzie yelled.

I held Charlotte for a while, crying and breathing her in; for the split second I thought I'd lost her, it made me want to die; a fear that cleared any doubts in my mind of my ability as a mother.

It took me a while to calm down when I put Charlotte back in bed; I lied with her for a while just stroking her hair and watching her breathe. I fell asleep next to her and all I remembered next was Derek carrying me into our bedroom. I groaned as the alarm buzzed for Derek to get up, just as he set me down on the bed.

"No…" I groaned as I pulled him back to me. "Stay in bed…"

Derek smiled and let his head fall on my chest where he trailed light kisses over my neck.

"You don't know just how much I would love to stay in bed with you honey, but I have patients waiting for me; aneurysms that could blow in any moment!" he said in my ear.

"I could make something else blow any moment!" I told him cheekily as I rested my hand on his pyjama pants, eliciting the exact reaction I was anticipating.

"Oh come on," Derek moaned against my lips. "That's not fair…"

"What's not fair, is you going to work without satisfying your needs…and the needs of your future wife…" I said

Derek laughed and pinned me to the bed.

"You're going to make me late for work…" he said to me as he shook his head.

"Can I help it that you find me so irresistible?" I chuckled.

"No…" Derek's voice escaped almost as a murmur.

Derek left for work within the hour and I was alone in bed, which usually wouldn't bother me, but there was a sting of unease that remained in the back of my mind from last night.

Not too much later, Charlotte peeked her head around the door to see if I was awake.

"Hey…" I smiled at her.

She ran over and climbed under the covers.

"It's cold!" she said as she snuggled into me.

"It is, and daddy had to go to work!" I answered. "How about we have a quiet day at home today? You had such a busy day yesterday,"

Charlotte nodded and hugged me tightly.

"I have the sniffles mommy," she sniffled slightly.

"Do you darling?" I asked.

She sniffled again.

"How about we get you some cold medicine?" I suggested as I pulled her out of bed and wrapped my robe around the two of us. I poked my head in at Riley and picked up the monitor as we walked out.

Downstairs Izzie was making pancakes and the aroma from the kitchen was insanely delectable.

"God, what smells so good?" I commented.

"Pancakes!" Izzie answered.

"Mommy, I can't smell it!" Charlotte tried her best to sniff the air, but her blocked nose prevented her from taking in the scent.

Izzie frowned.

"Are you sick honey?" she asked her.

Charlotte nodded.

"Here's some medicine sweetheart," I pulled out some cold medicine from the top cupboard and put a drizzle of it in a teaspoon. I fed it to her and she took it reluctantly; her lips pursing as she swallowed it.

"Yuck mommy!" she whined.

Her eyes looked a little droopy and her nose was running; the poor little thing was so sick, and I knew it was only time before the whole house got it.

"I know baby," I held her close and rubbed her back. "Do you want some breakfast?"

She shook her head and closed her eyes as she leaned her forehead against my chest.

"Sweetie, you're running a pretty big temperature," I told her.

"I'm cold mommy!" she shivered incessantly.

I took my robe off and wrapped her in it as I cuddled her tightly.

"It's okay baby," I said to her. "Mommy's got you,"

A small cry came from the baby monitor and I looked at Izzie.

"Can you get Riley?" I asked her.

She nodded.

"Of course!" she answered.

Not too much later, she came back downstairs with Riley; she sat there feeding him a bottle as I rocked Charlotte in my arms until she closed her eyes for the second time and fell asleep. Riley was sitting quite contently with Izzie and I took the time to put Charlotte under a blanket on the lounge.

"Poor little thing," Izzie said.

"Yeah, she's miserable," I commented. I walked over and picked Riley up. "Your sister has a cold sweetie, so I will have to keep her away from you,"

Riley gargled happily.

"You need to be changed darling," I told him.

I grabbed a diaper from the change table and set him down to change him, letting him lay without any clothes on for a while, watching him giggle in excitement.

"Rudy baby!" I told him.

SQUIRT!

Right across the table he did exactly what I didn't want him to. Surely enough it hit me too.

"Ohh!" I cried with a laugh. "Izzie! We've got pee!"

Izzie walked in and laughed hysterically.

"You peed on mommy!" she exclaimed. "Oh he's a good boy!"

I shoved her.

"Gross!" I laughed.

I quickly strapped the diaper on him and put him in the bassinet where he sat contently playing with his toys.

I threw another shirt on and put the dirty one in the clothes hamper.

"Yuck," I shuddered with a giggle as I entered the kitchen.

The phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey gorgeous lady!" came Derek's voice.

"Your son just peed on me!" I cried.

Derek's laughter sounded through the receiver.

"Oh, so when he's naughty, he's my son and when he's a sweet little angel, he's ours?" he chuckled.

"Too right, and our little princess has the flu," I told him.

"God, I've only been gone a little while and so much has happened," Derek commented.

I shook my head.

"I miss you!" I told him.

Derek smiled.

"I miss you too honey," he said. "I might come home for lunch yet, so don't get too comfortable!"

I felt excitement jolt me through my senses.

"Great!" I said happily.

"Okay, I'll see you later," Derek answered. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I replied happily as I hung up the phone.

I turned to Izzie and smiled widely.

"God you're so not Meredith anymore!" she commented.

"I'm just bright and shiny!" I told her before I walked away whistling to myself.

* * *

**Thanks for all the reviews everyone; now this dream was very significant for Mer, and will bring about the biggest decision of her life...be prepared for a VERY big change!**

**Review and let me know what you think!**


	32. Take Time To Realise

I returned to work for the first time in three weeks with many emotions souring in my mind. I never realised how hard it would be to leave Riley; experiencing the same separation anxiety that Charlotte had only months prior. I strapped Riley into the baby carrier on my chest and stepped on foot in front of the other all the way to the rather large doors of Seattle Grace; my first greeting was at the elevator with Addison.

"Addie!" I smiled.

Addison turned around and her lips cracked into a wide smile.

"Hi!" she said happily. She peeked into the carrier and smiled at Riley who was sleeping quite soundly. "He's beautiful…god, he certainly has Derek's hair!"

"I was a bald baby, so yes, definitely!" I replied with a smile.

Addison laughed as the elevator dinged.

"Oh, by the way, your interns are children of Satan!" she said as she stepped onto the elevator.

"What?" I cried.

"They've ran off two residents and even Miranda was ready to give them up!" Addison told me.

I frowned.

"Two residents?" I exclaimed. "I'll kill them! Every last stinking one of them!"

Addison started laughing.

"But who is going to do all our charts today with no surgical privileges?" she suggested. "Not to mention, you'll need a babysitter and a lot of coffee!"

I nodded.

"A very good point Addie!" I replied.

The doors opened to a very quiet nurses' station.

"I wonder what resident we'll get today?" one of my interns commented.

"Let's hope for Pompano! She'll be an easy stitch!" another chimed in.

George fumbled nervously; he knew I was returning to work today.

"I was sort of hoping we'd get Dr. Grey back today!" he said.

"Are you kidding?" one intern cried. "We'll get stuck with post natal hormones!"

I walked over and cleared my throat.

"Damn right you will!" I told them furiously. "Two residents?!" I yelled. "People think that you are Satan's children! Do you like nursing? Because I have the power to send every last one of you right back down that medical food chain!"

The interns, including George, all shuffled nervously.

"C-Charts?" one of them attempted to hand over some charts.

"Today you will all be on charts, labs and scut; when you are not doing that for every resident, you will be seeing if you can be used in the clinic on sutures and drug administration only! You will also be fetching coffee and looking after the baby!" I told them angrily. "You will not go home until I say!" I continued my furious talk. "Now get out of my sight and don't make me regret setting you loose in this hospital!"

George went to leave but I grabbed his arm.

"George O'Malley…" I said through gritted teeth. "What the hell happened?"

"Do you want me to take the baby?" he asked apprehensively as I started to pull Riley out of the carrier.

I gave him Riley and then the carrier, watching Riley sleep peacefully through the change over. I groaned and walked away where I ran straight into Bailey.

"You're back!" she attempted a smile.

"My moronic, devil child interns have no surgical privileges!" I snapped. My tone softened. "Sorry, I'm just really pissed off and completely stressed!"

Bailey nodded.

"It is always really hard to leave them on the first day; but you will get used to it…" she sighed. "Now, can you go down to the pit?"

I nodded and turned on my heels to walk away.

I met Izzie down in the pit.

"Hey! We've got an incoming trauma, ETA is about three minutes!" she said as I walked through the doors.

"Okay!" I called after her as we ran out into the emergency bay.

The ambulance pulled up and wheeled out a gurney.

"What have we got?" Izzie asked.

"Four week old male infant! Crush injuries to the peritoneum and possible skull fractures, domestic dispute according to the police!" Jill, the paramedic, informed us.

I stopped and gasped at that tiny little baby; he was covered in tubes and had been intubated at the scene. Izzie glanced at me before turning her attention to the infant in front of her.

"Clear a trauma bay!" I yelled at the interns before helping Izzie wheel the gurney into the pit and through to a trauma room.

"There's a mass build up of fluid in there!" Izzie said as she pointed the portable monitor close to his heart. "We'll need to do a pericardium window,"

I pulled an aspiration kit out and felt sick to do this procedure; but that's me, I am a doctor, a surgeon; this child is just another patient…but I knew that wasn't the case.

"Mer!" Izzie cried. She snatched the needle out of my hands. "You need to get out of here!"

I shook my head.

"Oh right, Iz," I said flippantly. "Because surgeons frequently just get out!"

Izzie started the pericardium window on the child and I felt my face turn a ghastly shade of grey before I turned on my heels, tears rolling down my cheeks, and ran out of the trauma room.

I ran straight into Bailey.

"Oh god…" I gasped as I bumped her.

"Grey…what?" she cried as she saw my tear streaked face. "What the hell is going on?"

I grabbed onto her hands tightly and felt myself breaking down; only something that I could do in front of Derek, never Izzie or George or Cristina and certainly never in front of Miranda Bailey.

"Miranda…" I sobbed. "I can't do this…this little baby…he…and then…and oh, they just…"

Bailey gripped my hands comfortingly.

"Meredith, slow down," she coaxed as she pulled me into a nearby empty trauma room. "You need to calm down,"

I started drawing in quick and shallow breaths.

"I can't do this…" I said quickly. "Oh god, I just want my babies…"

"Meredith, listen to me," Bailey cupped her palms around my cheeks. "You are a brilliant mother and an extraordinary surgeon; but sometimes it's hard to be both…"

I nodded.

"So what do I do?" I sighed.

"I can't tell you that," Bailey answered. "That one is something you have to figure out on your own."

I whipped my head to the side to come face to face with Derek who had seen everything unfold.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he moved from the doorway quickly to us.

I shook my head.

"Nothing," I managed to say.

Derek put his hands to my cheeks.

"Talk to me," he whispered.

I sighed heavily and looked at Bailey; who for a moment went from being Bailey to mind reading Miranda.

She nodded knowingly and walked out of the trauma room, closing the door gently behind her.

As the door clicked shut, Derek turned to me and looked sadly into my eyes.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I had a baby come into the pit…" I started. "He was…and I couldn't…and Riley…"

Derek wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"Sweetheart…" he sighed.

"I can't believe this! I am a doctor…and this should be just another patient…but the problem is…" I said.

"The problem is it's not…" Derek finished. "Honey, there is so much more to this equation than you realise…"

I nodded and rested my head in my hands.

"I need to think," I sighed. "I need to get away from here…"

Derek frowned.

"Think about what?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"If I want to be a surgeon or a mother…because I can't do both…" I said. "And at the moment, it's all so clear because I don't want to lose my children,"

Derek grabbed my hands with worried eyes.

"What are you saying?" he pleaded.

"I am saying that I am not sure if I can handle being a surgeon anymore," I told him with teary eyes. "I love surgery, but I love my children more and that is that!"

Derek stared blankly at me, his mouth gaping and his eyes were never more alarmed.

* * *

**Do not despair; PLEASE HAVE FAITH! Meredith's decision is a formulated plan i have had from the start of the fic, hence the title REALIZE. I think more than anything it is a bunch of contributing factors that are going to show her that she CAN have the best of both worlds!**

**There is a wedding coming up... yes, Mer will be quite busy in her new housewife lifestyle!! The MerDer wedding is in construction!**

**REVIEWS MUCH APPRECIATED!!**


	33. Where Am I?

It had been a week since I had somewhat resigned as a surgeon, while Richard still wasn't entirely convinced and was refusing to accept my resignation letter. Charlotte was playing happily upstairs and I was lying on the lounge casually flipping through wedding magazines. My new housewife style of living was a little more boring than I initially anticipated; mind you, I was quiet content spending the time with the kids. Derek was taking it harder than I imagined, he was a little saddened as he left in the morning knowing that I wasn't going to be at work with him. Glancing at the images in the bridal magazine, I wondered why I was actually looking at them…I was no bride…

Until I saw that dress!

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed. I snatched up the phone and dialled the number two speed dial for Izzie.

"Mer?" she answered it.

"Izzie, oh my god, get out your copy _Seattle Bride_!" I cried. "Turn it to page eighty four!"

"Oh my god!" came Izzie's shriek through the phone. "I have a two hour break in half an hour! I'll meet you at the store…uh," I could hear the pages being flicked. "_Vera Wang_? Oh god, it's Vera Wang!"

I laughed at her.

"I'll have to get the kids organised," I told her. "See you soon,"

We met Izzie at the store momentarily; both Charlotte and Riley were asleep in the new double pram that I bought only last week. I walked into the store to see Izzie twiddling her thumbs on a waiting chair.

"Oh great!" she said happily. "Now, I've just pulled it from the rack, it's a size two which is totally perfect! But, if it doesn't fit, I can open or tighten some stitches!"

I smiled at her.

"Okay, you watch the kids and I'll go and try it on," I said as I picked up the dress and walked into the change room.

I let the delicate lace fall to the ground for a split second as I stepped into it; the skirt tightened around my new curves and zipped perfectly up the side. I adjusted the spaghetti straps and ran my hand over the lace of the bodice.

The entire dress was lace with unspoiled beads that lined the bust line. A small fascinator clipped across the seam where the bust joined and the skirt flowed straight down and touched the ground with a little more room for heels.

"How are you going?" came Izzie's voice.

I smiled and opened the curtain where Izzie's eyes welled with tears and a smile spread widely across her face.

"Oh Mer…" she choked back tears.

"Do you like it?" I asked her.

"I…it…oh my," she cupped her palm over her mouth.

I laughed.

"I'll take that as a yes," I turned to look in the mirror where I ran my hand down the side of the skirt as Izzie stood behind me and rested her hands on my shoulders.

"You're beautiful…" she managed to say. "It's perfect,"

I stared into the mirror for a while, breathing in and out and wondering about the person I was staring at; was I indeed the Meredith Grey I used to be? Or was I now Meredith Grey, soon to be She-Shepherd, mother of two…?

"Mommy…" came Charlotte's voice.

I whipped around to see Charlotte poking her head around the corner of the curtain.

"Hi baby," I smiled as I leaned down to kiss her.

"That's a pretty dress mommy," Charlotte told me.

Izzie smiled and wrapped her arms around Charlotte as she knelt down next to her.

"It's a beautiful dress!" she added on.

Charlotte smiled widely.

"Can I get my flower girl dress?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Just wait for mommy to change and we'll have a look around the store," I answered.

Charlotte nodded and retreated to the waiting chair; she lied on her back with her feet straight up in the air, her dress falling to her waist revealing her leggings as she stared at her new black Mary-Jane's.

"Sit up properly little miss!" Izzie frowned.

Charlotte kicked her heels together and giggled.

"I'm going to be a flower girl!" she said happily.

Izzie grabbed her by the ankles and flipped her upside down where her dress upended and fell over her face as she giggled.

"Aunty Izzie!" she laughed hysterically.

I poked my head around the door and chuckled at the site.

"Are you making a milkshake of my flower girl?" I asked with a giggle.

"Mommy!" Charlotte squealed.

I grabbed her and flipped her upright to give her a kiss.

"Let's find you a dress!"

We searched around the shop for a little while and had pretty well settled on a dress with a plain white bodice with a tulle skirt that was covered by white lace. Around the waist, however was the most perfect addition, a wide, lavender coloured sash.

"I like this one!" Charlotte exclaimed.

"Oh, it's beautiful baby!" I told her happily.

Izzie clapped her hands together.

"Perfect!" she answered. She turned to me and smiled widely. "Now, I am buying this dress," she held up the wedding dress.

"Izzie, are you kidding me? You said it yourself, it's Vera Wang!" I cried.

Izzie put her hands on mine.

"Mer, sweetie just let me, I got this one!" she said with a smile that could melt a million hearts.

It was now my turn to become emotional; Izzie's kindness was expressed by the look in her eyes.

"Oh Iz…" I felt tears trickle down my cheeks.

"Mommy are you sad?" Charlotte asked.

I shook my head.

"No baby, I am just really happy," I answered giving her a kiss as she tried to wipe away my tears.

Charlotte played for the rest of the afternoon and I found time to book a caterer and potentially organise a venue…which didn't require a booking. It didn't need any decorating; for this place held so many memories that would purely be decorated by our emotional ties.

That place was indeed the ferry dock in Elliot Bay.

_Perfect_, I thought to myself.

I picked up my cell phone and began a text to Izzie.

_Hey, jst a thnx 4 th dress. Ur the best! Venue is set: Ell Bay Ferry Dock! Xo Mer_

Not too much later, Izzie returned the text.

_Ur welcome! Jst luv 2 c u happy! Venue is puuuurrrfect! Iz :)_

I smiled and walked upstairs to Charlotte's room where I poked my head around the door and smiled at her playing with her dolls.

"What are you doing honey?" I asked her.

She shrugged.

"Playing hospital," she replied a little absently. "Mommy, how come you don't go to the hospital anymore?"

Just as my mouth opened to answer that question, a tiny cry sounded from the nursery. I walked briskly into the room to find Riley crying.

"Hey baby boy," I smiled at him lovingly. "You're awake! Are you hungry?"

After making a bottle for Riley, I moved back upstairs to Charlotte's room.

"What were you saying sweetie?" I asked her.

"Why do you stay home all the time and not help all the sick people?" Charlotte asked.

I drew an inward breath and put my hand to her cheek.

"Well sweetie, it was a little hard for mommy to look after you and Riley and still go to the hospital," I told her.

"But don't you want to be a doctor mommy?" Charlotte questioned with all the innocence her voice would allow.

"I do honey, but it was making mommy too sad to leave you everyday…" I replied with a hint of sadness.

Charlotte stood in front of me as I sat in the rocking chair with Riley; she ran her fingertips over his head and stroked his dark hair that was becoming thicker as he grew bigger.

"But you love the hospital mommy!" Charlotte sighed.

"I do baby, but I love you and Riley more…I didn't want you to be sad!" I tried my best to explain the situation; but Charlotte's naivety made it difficult for her to comprehend the actual situation.

"I wouldn't be sad mommy," Charlotte answered.

I sighed heavily and reached out for her cheek.

"You are such a special girl Charlie," I told her.

"I will even go to day care and not cry!" Charlotte promised.

I shook my head and smiled.

"Don't worry about mommy," I said. "I'll be fine,"

Charlotte reached over and kissed me and then leaned down to kiss her brother.

As she went back to playing, I walked downstairs and put Riley into his bouncer where he sat contently and smiled at me.

"Oh baby boy, you're mommy is very happy to be at home…but all she wants to do is to perform a craniotomy…or even suture…or practice some freaking medicine…" I told him.

But I love my children more…

**Okay, so I was very excited to finally write some Iz/Mer bonding... okay the dress was very overgenerous but it meant a lot to Iz to do it, and even more to Mer _for_ Iz to do it! Charlie's questioning may cause Mer to pull her head in slightly. The Ferry Dock thing for the wedding...my plan all along. Oh, the Vera Wang... yummy! But the closer Mer gets to the wedding day, the closer she becomes to finally Realizing!**

**REVIEWS and let me know what you think!!**


	34. The Arena

I was lying in bed that night staring at the ceiling and waiting for Derek to come to bed; he was brushing his teeth and talking to me about a new patient who was admitted with two tumours that could only be treated with the virus we had successfully constructed in the clinical trial.

"Problem is…" Derek rinsed his mouth and climbed over onto the bed. "It's dangerous to do it all at once with one person…"

"But you can't do it separately?" I asked.

Derek shook his head.

"Unless the virus is administered at the same time…" he started.

"It won't have maximum infiltration or effect…" I finished.

Derek nodded.

"So what is the problem?" I questioned.

Derek leaned over and kissed me before he wrapped his arms around me so I could slowly drift into a slumber where I knew that there were still things on his mind.

"Goodnight," he whispered. "I love you…"

Just as those words rang off the tip of his tongue, Riley's cries interrupted the short lived silence.

"Riley…" I groaned walking into the nursery. "What's wrong buddy?"

His cries grew deafening and hysterical; enough to bring Izzie into the room.

"God, what's wrong?" she asked.

I shook my head tiredly.

"I think he's hungry, but I only fed him a little while ago…" I sighed. "I'll go down to the kitchen…"

I sat down in the kitchen tiredly while I watched Riley scull down another bottle.

"You must have been hungry sweetheart," I told him.

Riley looked up at me and gave a weak smile before closing his eyes; the poor little guy was so tired…little did he know his mommy was even more tired.

The next morning was hideously chaotic; Izzie and George were trying their best to get ready for the hospital as they were both running late. Charlotte had decided that it was time for her to make breakfast and was standing on bar stools making a mess. Derek, on the other hand, was sitting quietly with Riley while he read the newspaper.

"Derek, can you change Riley?" I called from the bathroom.

"Okay!"

I saw Charlotte run past the doorway and I reached out to grab her.

"Where are you going?" I asked her.

She looked up and smiled sweetly.

"I have to go out to the garden mommy," she replied.

I frowned lightly and tried my best to decipher the real reason.

"Why?" I asked.

"Surprise!" Charlotte answered before wriggling out of my grip and ran out into the backyard.

I laughed to myself and stood at the window watching her pull flowers from the garden.

When I went into the kitchen, however, I was flabbergasted by the war zone in front of me.

"Holy…" I breathed out.

There it was; the kitchen destroyed. There were plates strewn all over the bench and flakes of muesli were also scattered across the countertop. Sitting in a big pool of milk were Charlotte's bowls of cereal.

"Oh…" I couldn't find the words.

"Here's your breakfast mommy," Charlotte smiled handing me a spoon.

Derek turned around and started laughing.

"Oh honey," I smiled as I grabbed her off the bar stool and gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Thank you darling girl,"

The chaos settled slightly after Derek and I cleaned up Charlotte's mess. I leaned over the bassinet to watch Riley play for a while; he was growing bigger every day and at six weeks he was starting to look like a real little boy.

"In love?" Derek leaned over me and kissed my cheek.

"I am…" I turned around to meet his lips with mine.

Derek put his hands on my waist and kissed my neck.

"Honey…" he said through kisses.

"Mmm…"

"I need your help…"

I pulled back and looked at him.

"With what?" I asked.

"The tumour patient…" Derek's eyes were pleading and full of self doubt and insecurity.

"Derek, I don't work there anymore…" I sighed.

"Please Meredith…" he pleaded.

I shook my head.

"Sweetheart, as much as I love you…I can't be a great mother and a doctor at the same time…" I said to him. "I want to be a surgeon Derek; I am a surgeon and I love it! But I don't think I have the ability to balance it with trying to be a good mother!"

Derek cupped my face in his hands and let his thumbs brush away the tears that were starting to slip down my cheeks like droplets of rain that gently trickled down a window.

"I can't be both…" I sobbed.

"Yes you can!" Derek cried.

I started to cry harder.

"I want you to just see that you can…" Derek pulled me into his arms and with all attempts to resist, I felt myself falling into his arms. "Come on, do this surgery…I know you will see that you can do both…"

I shook my head.

"Okay…" I whispered.

I pulled back and wiped my tears away from my eyes with one sharp movement; I had no idea what I was doing and why I couldn't just say no….

It didn't take long for the formalities to be finalised and I then found myself in the scrub room with Derek.

"You ready for this?" he asked as he brushed his hands over my waist.

"Well, let me say, I had to borrow scrubs from Izzie because mine were too small, the pants sucked across my butt like ten pounds of spuds in a five pound bag; my boobs look like melons bouncing around under a scrub shirt that look likes a tank top!" I snapped.

Derek frowned.

"Oh…" he put his arms around me. "But I think you're beautiful!"

"You're delusional!" I answered.

"No I'm not!" Derek retorted.

I shook my head and nudged him in the back.

"I just can't adjust to this new life…" I sighed.

I looked around the scrub room and breathed in the air; it was nothing musty or sterile like the other rooms of the hospital. I could smell Derek's aftershave with every breath I took in.

"Everything is new to you honey," Derek said softly. "It's not going to make anything easy, nor is it going to help you in any way make a decision as to what you should do with this…but I just want you to know something…"

I took a deep breath and turned around.

"Meredith Grey…" Derek leaned in to kiss me.

"Mmm…"

"You are beautiful…" he kissed me again. "And sexy…" kiss "…crazy…" kiss "…incredible…" kiss "…a wonderful mother…" kiss "…and a brilliant doctor…"

"Derek…" I sighed.

"Mmm hmm…?"

"Thank you…"

"You're welcome."

I walked into the OR after I had finished scrubbing in and took a look around, having a slow flashback to when I first entered this OR a little over two and a half years ago.

_"Take a look around…" the chief said. "This is your arena…"_

It was my arena.

_"The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst years of your life…"_

I guess in retrospect the best parts contributed to meeting Derek and getting Charlotte; a combination of exciting and new experiences that contributed to the surgeon I was becoming. The worst however, was certainly experienced in this place – nearly losing Charlotte many times on the table before me. Experiences that I knew reflected the person I was.

Starting the surgery, I had a combination of emotions circulating through me; I picked up the virus injection and looked at Derek with only my eyes visible above my scrub mask. I knew he was feeling the same kind of adrenaline rush I was. I allowed myself to smile at him; my eyes twinkling with the anticipation of my first surgery in three months.

For the next twenty seconds that the virus was injected, I knew that this was where I wanted to be.


	35. From This Moment On

**Okay here it is! the much anticipated MerDer wedding! I hope it lives up to the expectations; i tried my best to base it around the Shania Twain song _From This Moment On_.**

**It will be split over a couple of chapters, the Wedding, Reception and Wedding Night!**

Wedding day was finally here. I never saw myself in this position at any stage before I met Derek; actually when I met Derek I knew _he_ wanted this and I tried my best to run. But naturally, he caught me and I was done.

"Meredith Grey soon to be Shepherd, get down here right now!" I heard Izzie call.

"Uh-oh…" I turned to Riley who was sitting upright in the chair smiling at me. "I better hurry up! Aunty Izzie is starting to get cranky!"

It had been three months since the tumour surgery with Derek and today was even more meaningful than that experience.

I grabbed Riley and carried him downstairs.

"Little buddy, we need to put you in your tux!" I told him.

Charlotte almost ran into me in the hallway.

"Hey princess, what's going on?" I asked her.

"No hair ribbons!" she threw her hands up with an exasperated, overdramatic sigh.

"Oh honey, they're with Aunty Izzie!" I answered.

Charlotte ran back down the stairs.

"Aunty Izzie!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Charlotte Shepherd, use your inside voice!" I told her sternly.

"Sorry mommy!" she called out.

I walked downstairs to see Izzie desperately poking the wedding cake.

"It's perfect!" I told her.

"Not quite…" she put a beautiful rose on top of the cake. "Done!"

She turned to me and frowned at my messy hair and casual clothes.

"Have you showered yet?" she cried.

I shook my head.

"Izzie, I am a mother of two…"

"You are also a bride!" Izzie cried.

Cristina walked in.

"Oh thank god!" Izzie said. She grabbed Riley from me and handed him to a reluctant Cristina.

"Oh…it's the tot…" she frowned.

"Your nephew needs to get changed into his tux and someone needs to help Charlie with her hair ribbons!" Izzie told her.

"Oh, I don't do hair ribbons!" Cristina said.

I looked at her and frowned.

"Meredith, shower, now!" Izzie said abruptly.

"Talk about wedding planner craziness!" Cristina commented.

"Shut up!" Izzie yelled.

Charlotte gasped.

"Aunty Izzie!" she cried.

"Sorry babe, go and get your tights and ribbons!" Izzie told her.

Charlotte nodded and bounded up the stairs.

Riley started giggling and sucking on Cristina's shirt.

"Oh gross," Cristina held him at arms length. "Feral child!"

"I heard that!" I called from the stair case.

"I don't care!" Cristina called back. She eyed Riley. "Okay kid, let's get changed for the McWedding!"

About an hour or so later Bailey and Lexie had arrived and I was almost ready. Izzie was curling my hair with the iron and was now in the process of fastening a lavender coloured clip in my hair.

She stopped when my hair fell gently to the side and sat perfectly as she'd anticipated.

"Oh my god…" she breathed.

I smiled and tried my best not to cry.

"Oh Mer…" Izzie was also fighting back tears.

"Let's not ruin our makeup…" I said shakily.

I heard the door click open and turned to see Charlotte standing in her dress; she looked amazing and it was then that I started to feel the tears.

"Mommy…you look like a princess…" Charlotte said softly.

"Baby girl…" I stretched out my arms for her to come into willingly. "Oh, you look amazing sweetheart!"

"Smell my hair…" she whispered.

I breathed in her hair to take in the scent of lavender.

"Did you use my conditioner?" I smiled.

She nodded happily.

I heard someone clear their throat and turned around to face Cristina, Bailey and Lexie who was now holding Riley.

"Oh my god…" Lexie started to cry. "Mer…you look…"

"Beautiful…" Bailey finished.

Cristina said nothing.

"Cristina…" I pressed.

She quickly brushed away a few tears.

Everyone else cleared the room to leave me with Cristina. I stared into the mirror and adjusted my smudged eyeliner.

"You know there are all these things I could say as a maid of honour or your person or something or other…" Cristina sighed.

I looked at her through the reflection.

"So say it…" I told her.

"I just never thought I would see the day…" she said. Her eyes filled with tears and she was a different person in that moment. "Mer…I just…"

The tears flowed freely from our eyes and she walked over to touch the dress.

"You look amazing," she sighed.

"Thank you," I turned around and hugged her.

This was something Cristina and I never did, but today was different…there was something more in this day.

We arrived at the ferry dock where I sat in the car for a while, waiting for Izzie to co-ordinate everyone into their positions; pondering the facts of today…

In an hours' time I was going to be Dr. Meredith Shepherd.

I was already a mother, but the children were going to have married parents.

The ring around my finger was going to bind me to Derek.

For life.

Forever.

Cristina gave me a shove from the front.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I'm scared…" I sighed.

"You're always scared," Cristina answered.

I laughed.

"Mommy can I go and see daddy?" Charlotte asked as she tried her best to wriggle out of the seat.

I nodded.

"Go for it honey," I told her.

She climbed out of the car and skipped down to the ferry dock edge where she was greeted by Derek's open arms.

I watched Derek, Mark and George stand at the dock and fiddle with their lavender ties; Derek reached over and loosely ran his fingers through Charlotte's hair.

I was then startled by Izzie knocking on the window. She opened the door and allowed me to step out; as I climbed out, my hair fell to the side and my clip held it in tightly.

"Are you ready?" Izzie asked. Her blonde curls sat lightly around her face as she applied the finishing pulls and tugs to my dress.

Cristina climbed out of the car with Riley in hand; both her and Izzie were wearing lavender coloured cocktail dresses; naturally nothing too fancy. Their dresses were significantly different; Izzie's sat low around her bust with an empire waistline. The hem sat just below her knee and her feet were covered by flat, silver sandals.

Cristina's dress was a little more flowing; she'd insisted that it was a plain as plain came; but I had the last say on the beaded straps that graced her shoulders. Her dress, however, fell to the floor because she was insisting that there was no way that her legs were to be exposed.

"You both look beautiful…" I said to them.

They both smiled back at me.

"So do you…" Izzie said.

"Yeah…" Cristina agreed. She shuffled Riley on her hip. "Ready to go stand with your dad totty?"

He laughed and smiled at Cristina with wide eyes. She quickly walked him over to Derek where Mark pulled him from her arms.

"McTeeny!" he said happily. "Oh you look great kid!"

Cristina turned to Charlotte.

"Let's go kid!" she said extending her hand for Charlotte to take it.

They walked back over and I knelt down in front of Charlotte to adjust the sash around her waist. I looked back at her as I smoothed the lace that covered her skirt. Her blue eyes sparkled in the reflection of the water that gleamed so beautifully in the rare sunshine of Seattle. Charlotte's curls flowed longer than ever down her back and her delicate fringe blew lightly in the breeze as she leaned over to hug me.

"I love you mommy…" she whispered.

"I love you too baby…" I answered.

Lexie ran over in a patterned cocktail dress; her heels were clicking under the boardwalk as she approached us.

"The minister is ready…" she said breathlessly.

I nodded and quickly drew in a breath, letting the sea breeze fill my nostrils.

"Let's go…" I sighed.

The music started and I laughed as I heard the tune.

_From this moment on…_

I walked up to the start of the board walk.

_From this moment life has begun  
From this moment you are the one  
Right beside you is where I belong  
From this moment on  
_I watched Charlotte start walking across the boardwalk, her white jiffies were lightly touching the wooden base as she beamed widely while placing one step in front of the other; she looked up at Derek and smiled with a smile I had never seen before; she was so beautiful and this moment was so special to her.

_From this moment I have been blessed  
I live only for your happiness  
And for your love I'd give my last breath  
From this moment on _

At this point, the girls were positioning themselves to begin the stretch to the end of the aisle.

_I give my hand to you with all my heart  
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start  
You and I will never be apart  
My dreams came true because of you  
_They started walking down as the music flowed from the speakers. I pondered on the lyrics as they filled my ears with a harmonious melody. My dreams could never have stretched so far to believe that he was all mine; and I couldn't wait – I knew today was the start of the rest of my life.

_From this moment as long as I live  
I will love you, I promise you this  
There is nothing I wouldn't give  
From this moment on  
_Charlotte reached Derek and stopped. She turned around and said in a soft voice.

"Mommy's a princess…"

Everyone turned to watch as I stepped onto the boardwalk. I looked up at Derek and smiled as I saw his eyes fill with tears.

_You're the reason I believe in love  
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above  
_The ceremony started.

"I, Derek Michael Shepherd, take you Meredith Sarah Grey; my one true love, my everything, my life…to be my wife…"

"I, Meredith Sarah Grey, take you, Derek Michael Shepherd; my knight in shining wha–armour…my heart and my soul, to be my husband…"

Our words came out together.

"In sickness and in health, for better or for worse…"

We exchanged rings.

"For every single day of my life…"

The minister smiled.

_All we need is just the two of us _

"You may kiss your bride…"

_My dreams came true because of you _

And that was the kiss that sealed everything; for right then and there, there was only one thing to say…

_I will love you as long as I live  
From this moment on_

**_Reviews as always are appreciated!_**


	36. Do You Believe In Magic

**The Reception!**

The reception was held on a ferry boat that floated about one hundred metres away from the dock. It was nothing big as Bailey was on call, as were Callie and George who spent a little over an hour with us.

I was sipping a flute of champagne when I felt arms encircle me from behind; the arms were small and sat around my hips so I knew it couldn't be Derek.

"Hmm…" I looked down at the tiny hands with lavender coloured fingernails and giggled. "I wonder who belongs to these beautiful little hands…" I grabbed onto them and rubbed them lightly. "They must be…" I whipped around and smiled at Charlotte who was giggling excitedly. "My little girl!"

"Hi mommy!" she said happily as I reached down to cuddle her.

"Are you having fun my love?" I asked her.

She nodded excitedly as the speakers blasted her favourite song.

"Mommy it's my song!" she exclaimed. She grabbed my hands and pulled me onto the dance floor as the lyrics started.

_Do you believe in magic?  
In a young girls heart  
How the music can free her  
whenever it starts_

_And it's magic  
if the music is groovy  
It makes you feel happy like an old time movie_

_I'll tell ya about the magic  
It'll free your soul  
but it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock n roll_

I spun Charlotte around on the dance floor and started dancing like I'd never done before; perhaps it was the champagne but I was damn well free… it was most definitely the magic…

Izzie and Derek joined us on the dance floor along with Lexie and Alex.

Cristina and Mark stood to the side.

"Oh no you don't!" I exclaimed as I ran over and pulled them onto the dance floor.

"I don't dance!" Cristina cried.

"You do now!" I told her with a laugh.

It was most definitely telling a stranger about rock and roll.

Mark stood his ground.

"No way Meredith!" he cried.

Charlotte ran over.

"Let's go!" she grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the dance floor.

_If you believe in magic, don't bother to choose  
If it's jug band music or rhythm and blues  
Just go and listen  
It'll start with a smile  
It won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try  
Your feet start tapping  
And you can't seem to find  
How you got there  
So just blow your mind_

"Here it Cristina! Just blow your mind!" I told her with a smile.

She shook her head and I resorted to singing to her.

"Your feet start tapping and you can't seem to find…" I sang.

"You've had too much champagne!" Cristina told me.

_If you believe in magic  
Come along with me  
We'll dance until morning, just you and me  
and maybe, if the music is right  
I'll meet ya tomorrow  
so late at night_

I managed to pull Cristina onto the dance floor where she danced reluctantly for a while; trying her best to not enjoy herself; finally, however she got into the moves and was dancing with Charlotte like crazy. She picked her up in one swoosh and twirled her around while singing to the lyrics.

__

We'll go a dancin' baby then you'll see  
all the magic's in the music and the music's in me, yeah

_  
Do you belive in magic? Yeah.  
Believe in the magic in a young girl's soul  
believe in the magic of rock n roll  
Believe in the magic that can set you free  
Ohhhh, talkin' bout magic_

_Do you believe like I believe?  
Do you believe in magic?_

The song finished and I smiled at Derek who was completely astounded by the fact that I had gotten Cristina onto the dance floor.

He pulled me over to him and smiled.

"I haven't yet asked you to dance Mrs. Shepherd…" he whispered.

"So ask me," I told him.

"Mrs. Shepherd…" he smiled.

I still couldn't get over that name.

"Yes?"

"Would you do me the honour of dancing with me…?" a smile crept across his face.

As best man, it was Mark's duty to announce that we were taking to the dance floor.

"And, for the bridal waltz, please welcome Mr. and Mrs. McDreamy…oops…" the alcohol was definitely hitting him. "Sorry, force of habit…"

The song played through the speakers as we moved onto the dance floor; he wrapped his arm around me gently and took my hand in his as we began to dance…

_It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart  
Without saying a word you can light up the dark  
Try as I may I could never explain  
What I hear when you don't say a thing_

For Derek, this song held so many memories…he knew exactly what I said when I didn't even say it…

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me  
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me  
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall  
You say it best when you say nothing at all_

And for me it was so much more…you see that second line, it meant more to me than anyone could ever know; for it was Derek who restored my faith in love. Years of torment from the wracking issues of abandonment were not important anymore…

_All day long I can hear people talking out loud  
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd  
Old Mr. Webster could never define  
What's being said between your heart and mine_

Even when I was the most talked about person in the hospital, there was nothing that could describe just how much he meant to me…

I felt his arm tighten around my waist as we danced, knowing everyone was watching. I nestled my head gently on his chest and closed my eyes for an instant…just trying to savour the moment as best I could.

As the next verse rang out, the couples joined on the dance floor to dance; with George on call, Izzie took Charlotte onto the dance floor and lifted her up to dance with her in her arms.

Surprisingly, Lexie and Alex joined to dance, followed by Bailey and Tucker Snr; Richard and Adele; Cristina and Burke.

The song was perfect…my life, was on its way to being perfect.

Everyone mingled for a while and after a while, Charlotte grew tired.

"Mommy…" she tugged on my dress as I stood talking to Cristina and Burke.

"Yes my darling?" I asked her as I picked her up. I noticed how dark her eyes were becoming.

"Hello beautiful Charlie!" Burke smiled as he ran his hand down her cheek.

The tequila and sea motion had hit Cristina in a less than anticipated way.

"Oh hello beautiful princess!" she exclaimed as she grabbed her from my arms and gave her a hug in a way I'd never seen Cristina do before.

"Aunty Cristina…you are talking funny!" Charlotte laughed.

Cristina laughed as well.

"Oh I know honey blossom…" she giggled. She turned to me and tousled Charlotte's hair lightly. "She is a little blossom! Isn't she? Aren't you?" she turned back to look at Charlotte.

Charlotte nodded.

"Like mommy's flower conditioner!" Charlotte told her.

"Just like that!" Cristina answered. She kissed Charlotte's cheeks over and over again showing signs of affection that had never surfaced before tonight.

I turned to Burke and looked at him surprised.

"This is weird…" I told him.

"Very, very weird!" he agreed.

"But very cute," I laughed.

"Indeed," he answered.

I snatched up the camera.

"Let me take a picture of you and your Aunty Cristina," I told Charlotte.

Cristina leaned in to kiss Charlotte's cheek as a pose for the camera.

"You're my favourite niece!" she said.

I giggled.

"She's your _only_ niece!" I reminded her.

"But if Barbie and Bambi ever have children, this one will still be my favourite…" Cristina said.

Izzie and Alex came over laughing at something that had just happened.

"Your husband is wondering why _The Clash_ isn't a part of the song list!" Izzie laughed.

"Because he insists on imitating Joe Strummer with an air guitar!" I told her with a laugh.

Cristina outstretched her arms.

"Izzie!" she squealed as she handed Charlotte to Alex and grabbed Izzie in a hug.

"Oh god…" Izzie cried as Cristina squeezed her. She looked at me with a confused and puzzled expression. "She's plastered!"

"This is true," I replied with a sarcastic and half amused smile.

But Cristina wasn't the only one.

"Honey!" Derek ran over and lifted me up in his arms.

I screeched in shock.

"What's up?" I asked him.

He looked up in a drunken manner.

"Lots…lots and lots of pretty lights…" he murmured.

I rolled my eyes and turned around to see Mark stumbling over.

"Oh god…what have you two been drinking…?" I leaned in to smell his breath. "Is that…oh god, is that tequila?"

Derek nodded and Mark stumbled into him to rest his arm around him.

"Mer…tequila and vodka…" he slurred.

"Together?" I exclaimed. I grabbed onto Derek's shirt and dragged him over to a chair. "Drink this!" I shoved a glass of water in front of him.

It didn't take long for Derek to sober up slightly, but by this time, Mark had found the bar again and he had passed out on the dock as the ferry reached land again. Izzie, being as kind as she was, and one of the only sober people left, took him back to the house where he spent the night on our couch.

The night finished up and Derek and I took the kids home. As we put Charlotte to bed she stirred slightly.

"Mommy…" she whispered.

"What is it baby?" I asked.

"Thank you for letting me be the flower girl…" she murmured.

"You were the best flower girl ever…" I told her.

Derek smiled and leaned down to kiss her.

"We love you so much little princess," he whispered.

Charlotte closed her eyes again.

"I love you too…" she answered softly.

Derek and I walked over to the bedroom where I stopped at the doorway.

"Tradition?" I suggested.

"You don't usually follow tradition…" he chuckled.

"I do now," I laughed.

He swooped me up in his arms and carried me into the bedroom where he placed me down on the bed.

"Welcome to your wedding night Mrs. Shepherd," he smiled cheekily.

I allowed him to unhook the buttons of my dress as they travelled down my back and rested above my hips. His fingers looped through the straps and pulled it down my body as I slipped out of it; his eyes widened as I stood before him in a small combination of satin and lace as it covered very little of my body.

"Welcome to _your_ wedding night Derek Shepherd…" I said as I ran my hand seductively across my breast and rested it gently on my hip bone, just above my panties but enough to make him squirm.

I slowly walked over to him and pulled at his tie slowly and gently, allowing it to slip through my fingertips as I pulled it out of the collar. As the tie grew absent, I worked my fingers down over ever button, slowly undoing each one and letting my fingernails graze his skin gently. He quivered slightly as they grazed just below his navel and flicked at the top of his waistline.

"Mer…" he pulled me closer and kissed me gently.

"Wait…" I stepped back and unbuckled his belt, unzipping his pants and taking a firm grasp of what was below the fabric.

"Mmm…" he pressed his lips to my chest and shuddered in ecstasy. "Oh god…"

I allowed his hands to travel over my back and unclip my bra where he took control of the situation. He pulled me to him and lowered me onto the bed where he proceeded to kiss me. He flipped me onto my back and kissed every inch of bare skin as he let his fingertips skim over my abdomen and move down to the front of my panties where they rubbed the lace, sending me into a wave of erotic pleasure.

"Oh…Derek…oh god…" I moaned.

"You don't need these…" with one swift movement, he weaved his fingers under the waistline and pulled them down where he allowed his fingers to travel further and further beneath the sheets.

But this wasn't enough for me…I pulled him up and positioned him so he could enter me.

When he did I let go a moan of pleasure, his thrusting was consistent and beautiful as we made love in the glimmering moonlight that sleeked through the cracks in the curtains.

After moments of pleasure and content, Derek leaned on his elbow to peer into my eyes in the most beautiful and adoring of ways.

I rolled over and looked at the clock; it read 12:02 a.m.

"The first day of forever…" I told him.

He smiled at me and continued to stare.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's just…" his eyes glistened with tears.

"What?"

"I don't think you've ever looked more beautiful than you do right now…" he whispered.

**Okay so there it was! The wedding reception and the wedding night all in one...the next chapters will focus on Mer getting back into surgery!!**

**I hope you are all enjoying reading this, it's been so great getting reviews...makes a huge difference.**

**Cristina was drunk, drunk people do silly things!**

**The songs were "Do you believe in magic" and "When You Say Nothing At All"**

**Thanks again!!**

**Amy.**


	37. The Morning After

**You see there's the thing about weddings; there always has to be a morning after!!**

I rolled over the next morning and groaned as my arm hit Charlotte before Derek. I opened my eyes and smiled.

"What are you doing…?" I whispered.

She giggled.

"I want a cuddle…" she answered. "And Uncle Mark is snoring on the couch!"

I pressed one finger to my lip and then to hers.

"Daddy's sleeping," I said quietly. "Did you go downstairs already?"

"Aunty Izzie is making bacon and eggs!" she replied.

I sniffed the air.

"Mmm, I can smell that! So, Uncle Mark is still asleep? Where's Aunty Lex?" I asked her.

"On my floor…" Charlotte whispered to me.

I giggled.

"Let's go and wake her up," I smiled.

We climbed out of bed and walked into Charlotte's room where I came face to face with a very funny scene of throw cushions serving the purpose of a bed for Lexie.

"Lex…" I whispered.

She groaned and rolled over.

"Lexie…" I said, a little louder.

She opened her eyes and smiled.

"Hey…" she said sleepily. She squinted from the light and groaned as she raised her hand to her head. "Oh…"

I laughed.

"Oh, I know that post-tequila feeling all too well Lex," I told her.

She groaned and sat up as she proceeded to climb into Charlotte's bed. Charlotte and I joined her under the covers where Charlotte sat in my lap and Lexie rested her head on my shoulder.

"This is so gross…" she said as she sniffed the air. "Do I smell…?"

"Bacon and eggs, and probably hash browns and tomatoes, mushrooms and lots of fatty hearty hangover food!" I told her.

My cell phone buzzed in my hand, I flicked it open to read a text from Cristina.

- Oh god

- Tequila?

- U should know the feelin

- B&E at mine

- Give me 10

I turned to Charlotte and smiled.

"Aunty Cristina is coming over for breakfast," I told her.

"Cool!" she exclaimed climbing out of the bed.

I turned to Lexie.

"Think you can get up?" I asked.

"I'll try…" she said.

I laughed and gave her a gentle head butt.

"Thanks for being there last night sis," I said.

"Love you," Lexie answered.

"Love you too," I smiled as I got up and walked to the door. "I'm going to wake up Derek for breakfast,"

I walked into the bedroom where Derek was starting to wake.

"Hey you," I smiled.

He opened his eyes.

"Good morning Mrs. Shepherd," he said softly as I climbed onto the bed. He leaned up to kiss me. "Mmm, how are you this morning?"

"Great!" I answered.

"Me too…aside from the hangover," he said with a chuckle.

"I think Lexie is feeling it too!" I told him. "Mark will be too, if he ever wakes up!"

Derek laughed.

"See, this is why I stopped drinking with Mark!" he told me.

I giggled and kissed him again.

"Izzie is making breakfast," I said.

"Smells good," he commented.

"It does, and Cristina will be here soon so I am going downstairs," I said.

He nodded and sat up.

"What time did Charlie come to bed?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," I answered. I peered into the nursery to see Riley's little feet squirming in the cot. "Baby boy is awake!"

I walked into the nursery.

"Hello my little honey," I smiled.

Riley smiled back.

"Come on, let's take you downstairs for some breakfast!" I told him.

"Mmm…let me take him," Derek reached out from the bed and took Riley in his arms. "Hey buddy,"

Riley giggled excitedly as he went into Derek's arms.

"Oh, who is daddy's big boy?"

Riley was growing chubbier as he grew bigger.

"He is a big boy," I commented. "And big boys need their breakfast, so let's go,"

We walked downstairs with Riley in Derek's arms. Izzie looked up from her cooking and smiled at us.

"Well good morning Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd!" she said happily.

"Hey Iz," I smiled.

Lexie immediately walked over and grabbed Riley.

"Hello beautiful boy!" she cooed. "My you're getting big…" she looked over at me with wide eyes. "What are you feeding this boy?"

"It's the rice cereal!" I cried. "He just keeps getting bigger…"

"He's certainly big!" came Cristina's voice as she entered the kitchen.

"Well, look who surfaced!" Derek chuckled.

"Hey, I'm not the one still passed out on your couch, lying in a big pool of his own drool and snoring up a storm that could rival this one!" Cristina pointed at me.

"Well, aren't we cranky this morning," Izzie mused. "It must have been all the tequila…and the vodka…"

"And the champagne…and the bourbon," I added.

"God, she's a fountain of booze!" Derek chuckled.

"Oh, I am not the one sucking back doubles of scotch, whiskey and tequila!" Cristina reminded him.

Derek laughed.

"What can I say, I am a total pro!"

I flashed him a cranky glare.

"Joking honey," he smiled.

A thud sounded in the lounge room and a loud, sore and frustrated groan followed.

"Uncle Mark!" Charlotte squealed excitedly. She ran in and jumped on Mark, who was now sprawled awkwardly across the floor.

"Oh, Charlie babe, Uncle Mark has a very sore head…" he groaned. "Go and cuddle your dad!"

I walked in and laughed.

"Good morning," I chuckled.

Mark flared a tired and steely glare.

"Hmm…" he said with a gnarly groan.

"Breakfast!" I told him.

We entered the kitchen to find an array of breakfast dishes spread out across the table where everyone was beginning to eat their food.

"Well lookit here…it's the night of the living whore!" Izzie commented.

The entire table burst into fits of laughter.

"Mommy, what's a whore?" Charlotte asked curiously.

That caused another fit of giggles amongst the table and my eyes darted across to Izzie as I stared at her furiously.

"Izzie!" I cried. "You wanna take the reins and explain what a whore is to your five year old niece?"

Izzie giggled and put her arms around Charlotte.

"Well, it's a very, very naughty word that Aunty Izzie should not have been using, but basically it means that Uncle Mark drank too much coke is not feeling very well!" she explained to a wide eyed Charlotte.

I sat down at the table and stared across at Cristina who was resting her head in her hands with a very painful gaze.

"Cristina…would you like some more coffee?" I asked with a chuckle.

Cristina shook her head.

"Oh god, I can't even think about that!" she groaned. She eyed the plate of bacon and eggs and pushed them to the side. "Ugh, I feel ill…"

"You know where the bathroom is…" I smiled sarcastically.

"Shut up!" Cristina hissed.

Charlotte walked over and sat on Cristina's lap and wrapped her arms around her.

Cristina's eyes darted up to me and gave me a helpless look.

"Since when do I cuddle?" she whispered.

"Since you told her last night that she was your favourite niece," I laughed.

"No," she shook her head. "Cristina does not have favourites!" it was also unlike Cristina to talk in third person.

"Drunk Cristina does!" I told her.

Cristina patted Charlotte's back and smiled as sincerely as she could.

"Kid, what did I say to you last night?" she asked.

"That I was your favourite niece!" Charlotte beamed.

Cristina groaned.

"And you also said something about Barbie and Bambi…Aunty Cristina, how do you know Barbie and Bambi?" Charlotte asked excitedly.

Everyone at the table knew the Cristina name substitutions and erupted in giggles as Cristina tried to explain herself.

"Um…I was speaking to them on the phone and they're both really busy in Los Angeles at the moment!" she covered her tracks.

Charlotte shrugged.

The phone rang and I reached over to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Grey!" came Bailey's voice. "We need everyone in here now!"

I stopped and frowned.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"There was a chemical explosion in the high school science lab and I've got five dead and twenty five injured fifteen year olds!" Bailey said frantically.

Everyone's pagers started beeping.

"Of course, we'll be right there," I told her breathlessly. I wasn't sure what _we_ meant, but everyone was one step ahead of me.

**Yes, Mer will be joining them at the hospital! What happens, i can't tell you!!**


	38. Chaos

We arrived at the hospital to find a chaotic mess of screaming, crying and obnoxious fifteen year olds that crowded the pit. I looked around in horror seeing children being sewn up on gurneys in the hallway, droplets of blood spattered across the floor and basically just a crazy mess

Bailey met us all at the entrance.

"Okay, who is hungover?" she asked.

I looked at Cristina and Mark.

"Oh, totally fine now!" Cristina touched her nose and attempted to walk in a straight line.

Bailey frowned.

"Yang, stop!" she cried before turning to me. "What are you doing here?"

"Here to help, you need all hands on deck and really, I feel like I owe you for the one time where you kinda saved my life…" I told her.

She rolled her eyes.

"Clear it with the chief!"

Bailey turned to the rest of the group.

"Lexie, shadow the other Grey in trauma one; Stevens, trauma two; Karev manage the chaos; Yang, sutures!" she ordered.

"But I'm not hungover!" Cristina protested.

"Now!" Bailey exclaimed.

She grabbed my arm.

"Be prepared, trauma one is a little too familiar for our liking," she told me.

I nodded and opened the door as my eyes widened.

Sitting right before me was a victim of the accident with a table leg piercing him from just above his shoulder blade right through to the left side of his chest.

"Oh my god…" I gasped.

Lexie's eyes widened.

"Wow…" she breathed.

The kid looked up at me with tears in his eyes.

"Where's my mom?" he asked tearily.

I grabbed the chart from the nurse and gave her a terrified look.

"James is it?" I asked him quickly.

He nodded.

"Jamie…everyone calls me Jamie…" he said.

"Okay, Jamie, my name is Dr. Grey and this is also Dr. Grey, but to save the confusion, you can call me Meredith and her Lexie," I told him with an attempted smile.

He nodded.

"Okay…" he whispered.

* * *

Meanwhile, Izzie had just entered trauma room two to be faced with a large dilemma herself. It was another victim of the incident with a subdural haematoma that was causing her brain to swell out of her eyes. Thankfully, however, she was unconscious.

"Okay, I am looking at brain matter from just behind the eyes! Can someone page Shepherd now!" she yelled to the nurse.

It wasn't before too long that Derek came running into the trauma room.

"The Dura is pulsating from behind the eyes…it's swelling…" he said. "I need to start some burr holes…"

He looked up at Izzie.

"You've done burr holes before Stevens?" he asked.

The interns whispered amongst themselves.

"Yeah, the ferry accident…" she stammered. "But I mean…"

"Someone get me a drill!" Derek yelled.

A nurse returned momentarily with a high speed cranial drill.

"Okay Stevens, locate the Dura…" Derek leaned over Izzie's shoulder.

"Okay, I got it!" Izzie told him.

"Apply some pressure and start the drill," Derek instructed.

The drill whirled loudly and Izzie's hands tightened around it in order to maintain some control in the situation she could never had imagined.

* * *

At present time, however, Cristina was stitching up one of the students who was whining about the explosion.

"I mean the guy who started it all…he was almost like in love with freaking science – he seemed to think that he could develop some virus that would cure people who suffered from some heart thing…andeema or something…" the girl chatted on.

"Oedema?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah that thing…" the girl said.

Cristina wrapped the bandage around her arm.

"Yeah, but some people do amazing things…so just to clarify, are you injured anywhere else? Or can I start on someone else?" she asked.

The girl shrugged.

"I have a bit of a pain here…" she pointed to her left arm. "But no biggie…"

Cristina frowned and in almost an instant, the girl grabbed her chest and winced in pain.

"Oh god…" she said breathlessly.

"Someone get a gurney and clear a trauma bay!" Cristina yelled. "I need some help over here! STAT!"

George ran over with a gurney and came to Cristina's assistance.

"Okay one, two, three…lift!"

They lifted the girl onto the stretcher where she was transported to the nearest trauma room.

"It's an embolism!" Cristina told George. "Her heart isn't pumping enough blood and there's a massive clot…" she ran the portable ultrasound over her chest.

"Pulmonary oedema…" George said.

"It's what killed Denny…" Cristina added.

George nodded and looked at her desperately.

"What do we do?" he asked.

"I…uh…" Cristina didn't know what to do.

"Cristina!" George cried.

* * *

In the midst of the drama in the other trauma rooms, I was still talking to Jamie and waiting for a consult from Burke and the chief.

"Do you like school?" I asked him as I attempted to suture some of the minor lacerations on his arm.

"It's okay…the pressure to be cool gets to me a little…" he sighed.

"You seem pretty cool to me," Lexie smiled as she fitted a portable respirator around his nose.

Jamie let out a resentful laugh.

"Prom queen?" he asked me.

I smiled at him and nodded.

"What about you?" he questioned me once more.

"Well…" I looked up at Lexie with a chuckle. "Do you want the full crazy story or the short, still crazy but kind of funny story…?"

"Latter…" Jamie answered.

"I wore a lot of black and had a head full of angry pink hair, but then decided that pink hair was totally not fashionable and blood and guts on an operating table were; so I decided that I wanted to be a surgeon!" I told him.

"Really Mer…pink hair?" Lexie asked her.

I nodded.

"So you worked hard and got into college and kicked ass right through to med school?" Jamie asked.

I shook my head.

"I bummed around in college and couldn't give a damn about anyone but myself, but then, my mother got Alzheimer's and I had to care for her…so I worked hard to be a doctor…" I told him.

"I want to be a doctor," Jamie said.

"Really?" Lexie asked.

"Yep…" Jamie answered.

I smiled at him.

"There's a lot to it…its very hard and you don't get all the luxuries of normal people…" I told him. "But you do pretty extraordinary things…"

"Do you have kids?" Jamie asked.

"Yep, I have a five year old who is going on fifteen years old and a little five month old," I replied. "And do you know that yesterday was my wedding day…"

"Congrats…" Jamie said.

"And I was going to give up surgery…" I also told him.

Jamie's eyes widened.

"Sorry?" he asked.

"I quit…but today…because of you…" I sighed. "I want to be a surgeon again…"

"Why?" he asked.

"Because when we pull this table leg out…I want you to finish school, go to college and med school and come to me in ten years time to study at Seattle Grace," I answered.

He smiled at me and nodded.

"Deal…" he whispered.

* * *

In trauma room two, however, Izzie and Derek were still drilling burr holes.

"Dr. Stevens what do you see?" Derek asked as they examined the opening.

"The brain is swelling, but the burr holes are allowing it to swell without the extensive pressure of the skull holding it in…" Izzie said staring at the hole intently.

"Good, good," Derek said. "Now let's get this girl to surgery, I want to open the skull flap so that there is a little more room; while I am in there, I want to examine the temporal lobe…look for any damage,"

Izzie nodded.

As Derek left the room to book the OR the monitor wailed.

Izzie whipped around and stared at it.

"BP is at ninety over palp! She's hypertensive…her brain can't take the pressure!" she yelled. "Someone get Shepherd back here!"

"What do we do Dr. Stevens?" one of the interns asked.

"Get Dr. Shepherd!" she yelled again as she looked around desperately.

* * *

In trauma three, Cristina was still staring at George; she had frozen and had no clue what to do.

"Cristina!" George cried. "You need to do a pericardial window!"

Cristina snapped out of her daze.

"Okay, get me a ten blade!" she told him. "Hurry up George or this girl is going to die!"

George raced over to a draw and snatched up a set of surgical instruments where Cristina began to make an incision.

"Have you ever done this?" George asked with horror in his eyes.

"Of course not!" Cristina snapped.

But thankfully Burke had taught Cristina enough and when he arrived, Cristina had made enough right decisions to save this girl's life.

* * *

For me at that moment however, I was torn between the life of a surgeon and a mother; looking around at the chaos, I knew I wanted to be here…and I knew then I could be both.

Burke and the chief met me in CT momentarily as we watched the films come to the screen.

"Man…his aorta is shredded…" Burke sighed.

"T10 is crushed…" the chief noted.

"We could try to repair it…" Burke chimed in.

"But…he'd die on the table…" the chief said.

I looked at them frantically.

"But you can give it a go…?" I asked.

Lexie grabbed my hand instinctively as she saw how sad I was becoming.

Burke shook his head.

"So what, we just have to wait for him to die?" I cried.

"Dr. Grey, there isn't anything we can do!" Burke told me.

"We are doctors! We took an oath to do no harm! Letting him die is doing harm!" I exclaimed. "To sit around and do nothing is doing harm! You have to try!"

"To open him up is doing more harm than good Dr. Grey!" the chief told me.

I shook my head repeatedly.

"You can't just sit by and watch him die…he is a kid!" I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. "It is our obligation to help him!"

"Meredith…" Lexie tried to rub my back. "Come on…let's go…"

She pulled me into the corridor where I broke down.

"It's not fair…he wants to…and I just…" I sobbed.

Someone cleared their throat and I looked up.

"Meredith…" the kind eyes of the chief met my tear streaked face.

Lexie gave my hand one more gentle squeeze and walked away.

"Today is one of those days that the oath is really just a lot of…how you lot would say it…crap…" the chief said.

I nodded and continued to cry.

"But today, you can be a person…you can make the decision to talk someone through the last hours of their life…" he continued. "And that is what you need to do…"

I nodded and knew that he was right.

"His mother won't make it here in time…" the chief told me. "I want you to make sure that he doesn't die alone; that a fifteen year old child doesn't die alone…"

Walking into Jamie's room, I didn't know what to say.

"It's not good is it…?" Jamie asked.

I felt a fresh wave of tears strike my eyes as I shook my head.

"I'm going to die…" he sighed.

I couldn't bring myself to nod.

"Not alone…" I told him as I sat down. "So talk to me about this virus for curing oedema…"

Jamie spoke of his aspirations to cure pulmonary oedema as his father had died from it only two years prior.

It wasn't before too long that Jamie looked weary and tired.

"I think I just wanna close my eyes…" he whispered. "I feel…like…"

"It's okay," I took his hand and held it tightly.

"I'm scared…" he said softly.

"I know…" I answered. "I get scared a lot…"

Jamie smiled at me the best he could.

"You're brave," he told me.

I shook my head and fought back tears.

"No," I sighed.

"Can you be brave for me?" Jamie asked.

"Of course I can sweetheart," I answered.

"Please don't give up surgery…" he told me as his eyes drooped. "Don't ever give up on the things you love…"

All that sounded next was the flat line of the monitor.

I looked up at the door to see Lexie standing there crying.

"Come here," I told her as I outstretched my arms. "No more pain…"

She shook her head.

"No more pain…"

And that was the day that one little boy changed my life; gave me advice that my shrink could never have been more accurate with.

_Never give up on the things you love_.

I was back; and I would never leave again.

**She's baaaaaack! okay, so not the greatest or most comforting way to make her decision. **

**But as promised, Mer is a surgeon again!!**

**Please Review; the more reviews, the closer the next chapter!!**


	39. Ends and New Beginnings

**Sorry about the timing of the update, it took longer than I expected!!**

I flopped lazily down on the lounge when I arrived home; Charlotte headed for the kitchen and Riley sat contently in my arms; I looked at his beautiful big blue eyes and smoothed down the flicks on top of his head of dark hair.

"Mommy had a big day…" I told him.

At five months old, he was able to sit upright on the floor and was relatively content with doing so.

"Here's your rattle little man," I tossed it over onto the floor where he reached out for it and picked it up nevertheless shoving it straight in his mouth. "Oh darling boy…you couldn't possibly be hungry…"

"Ba!" Riley exclaimed…translation _bottle_.

"You only just had a bottle honey," I sighed as I picked him up.

Riley's lower lip trembled as he whimpered once more for a bottle.

"Okay love," I said.

"You're too soft…" came a voice behind me.

I whipped around and smiled.

"Daddy's home," I whispered to Riley as my smile widened a little more. "Oh you're home early honey…I thought you had the craniotomy with Izzie?"

"She coded again…the swelling was too much…" Derek almost choked back some tears. He pulled Riley from my arms and held him in the air above his head. "Daddy missed you today…"

I fumbled with Derek's collar.

"I'm sorry it was a hard day sweetheart…" I said.

Derek shrugged.

"You had a bad day too…" he reminded me.

"Yeah, I don't want to talk about it…" I said quickly.

Derek ran his fingers through my hair and brushed it out of my face.

"Bed time maybe?" he asked.

It was like he was reading my mind.

"Mmm hmm…" I turned to Riley. "Are you ready for bed if I fix you a bottle?"

"Ba!" Riley babbled.

I giggled.

"Yeah baby, we'll get it for you," I said to him.

Derek and I entered the kitchen to find Charlotte colouring at the table.

"You're awfully quiet in here miss…" Derek commented.

At the sound of his voice, Charlotte looked up.

"Daddy!" she cried jumping up and running over to him as she threw her arms around his waist. "Oh daddy, can you colour with me? Please…"

Derek passed Riley to me where he picked Charlotte up.

"You know it's really late princess," he told her.

"I'm not tired!" Charlotte replied.

"You need to get some sleep because remember where you are going in two days…" Derek reminded her.

"Big school!" Charlotte told him.

"Yeah and big girls need their sleep for big school," Derek said.

Charlotte's lower lip trembled.

"You don't wanna colour with me?" she asked.

Derek chuckled.

"Does that really work on your mommy?" he questioned.

She nodded.

"Not on daddy," he ran his thumb over her lips and leaned in to rub his nose to hers. "But I promise we'll colour in the morning,"

Charlotte smiled.

"Promise?" she asked.

"Promise," Derek answered. "Now time for bed, say goodnight to mommy and I'll come and tuck you in,"

I looked over at her and smiled.

"Goodnight honey," I gave her a kiss on her little lips and pressed my forehead to hers. "I love you,"

"I love you too mommy," Charlotte replied before she wriggled out of Derek's arms and ran upstairs.

I turned to Derek and smiled.

"I'll be up soon," I told him.

He nodded and followed Charlotte upstairs where he helped her climb into her bed and pulled the covers up over her.

"Daddy…" Charlotte said softly.

"Yes honey?"

"Even though I am a big girl now…will I still be your little girl?" Charlotte asked.

Derek sighed heavily and sat on the edge of the bed as he wrapped his arms around her and cradled her in his arms.

"You will always be my little girl," he told her.

Charlotte smiled and leaned back against the pillows as she gently closed her eyes.

"Goodnight daddy," she murmured.

"Goodnight darling," Derek replied kissing her once more before he got up and walked out the room, gently closing the door behind him.

He entered the room to watch me lower Riley into his crib.

"Goodnight my little sweetheart," I whispered.

I felt his arms wrap around me and as I turned around I met his lips with mine.

"Mmm…it's been a while since I've been kissed like that…I'm not sure how my husband would feel…" I laughed.

Derek chuckled and dipped me back a little so he could kiss me more.

"I think he would approve…" he murmured against my lips as he let his hands slip down around my waist to tug at the elastic of my pants.

"Mmm…" I pulled back. "The baby…"

Derek lifted me up a little so that he could carry me to the bed while he undid my bra clasp; surgeon hands, I thought, so damn gifted.

That night we had the best sex in a long time, perfect sex…because our life was nearly perfect.

You know I have to wonder what perfection really is…I mean, as surgeons, we thrive on perfection because if we don't we have no business being in that OR. We study for years on out to become the best medical student and to graduate top in the class; once we finally come to residency we have the urge to be the best intern so we study more. At the end of residency, we perfect our competencies and choose specialities that do more than define our area of expertise. My mother always said that our speciality is who we are, cardiothoracic surgeons are typically the perfectionist because that beating heart to them is the key to living. Neurosurgeons, on the other hand, well my mother used to say that they're narrow minded, ironically, with their only belief that the brain is the picked lock on living.

But we see perfection in many forms; as a doctor the human compulsions and perfections can be linked to illnesses that come from impulses of the brain or simply the heart of the matter; it's central to believing that if your heart is content and you set your mind to it, you can indeed perfect it.

Perfection… oh Charlotte was a prime example two days later on the morning she was starting school at John Hay Elementary School.

"Mommy where are my hair ribbons?" she exclaimed.

I smiled at Derek as I fed Riley.

"Will you go and help her find the ribbons please honey?" I asked him.

He nodded.

"Charlie, they're down here!" he called.

Charlotte raced down the stairs and her feet hit the floor in her beautiful new Mary-Jane shoes. I looked up and smiled at her; she was wearing a pink dress with white tights and a matching pink coat.

"Sweetheart, you're very dressed up…" I commented.

Derek turned around swiftly and shook his head as if to imply…_don't even go there, we have told her and she won't listen…_

"I just want to look beautiful mommy…" Charlotte answered. She flashed me a dazzling smile. "Just like you!"

I laughed and pulled her over to me.

"You are beautiful," I told her.

It didn't take long for us to arrive at the school as it was only ten minutes from home and a short distance from the hospital. When we pulled up I opened the car door and smiled at Charlotte who was starting to look a little nervous.

Izzie had come for the trip because she was her little baby too.

"You okay babe?" she asked Charlotte.

"Mommy…can we just go home?" Charlotte asked me.

My eyes darted across to Izzie and back at Derek fearfully; I had not expected this to happen.

"No honey, this is your school! You're going to have such a great day!" I told her in my best attempt of a positive voice.

We walked into the school and through the corridors to what seemed to be the kindergarten classroom where we were greeted by a teacher.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she asked me.

I nodded.

"And you must be Charlotte!" she said warmly looking at Charlotte who had now taken a very tight and circulation cutting grip on my hand.

"Everyone calls her Charlie," I spoke up.

The teacher nodded.

"Well Charlie, my name is Miss Feldman, you can come on in now…" she took a light grip on Charlotte's hand as she went to close the door.

"Have a great day darling," I said as I gave her a hug and tried not to cry.

Izzie was a blubbering mess and leaned down to kiss her.

"You're beautiful honey," she told her. "I love you!"

"I love you Aunty Izzie…" Charlotte said distantly.

Derek wiped a couple of tears from his eyes.

"Big girl," he smiled at Charlotte. "Oh, I'm so proud of you…"

"See you at 3:10 baby," I said to her as the door closed with Charlotte still waving sadly as we walked away.

I stopped for a moment and stared at the closed door.

_We can try to be perfect parents; not cry or show emotion. But when that fails…_

I started to cry.

_We are only human..._


	40. A Christmas Carol

**We have reached the last chapter in the story!! I am sorry I never gave you more warning for this, but i thought I would break it even at 40 chapters. I really appreciate all of the reviews and I would love for you all to stick around for a new fic with the gang that follows on from this! **

The year progressed to our first Christmas as a big family and while times had changed, things still remained the same. However, I was most definitely changed and my life, well it was so different.

Izzie, on the other hand, was four months pregnant and baking Christmas cookies which was so uniquely Izzie.

"I don't want a lot this year…this is all I'm asking for…" she sang while she rubbed her belly and kissed Charlotte's forehead.

"Aunty Izzie, these are yummy!" Charlotte commented as she stuffed a cookie into her mouth.

Izzie nodded.

"They certainly are!" she replied as she took a bite out of one.

"How long til Santa comes?" Charlotte asked.

"Umm…" Izzie looked at her watch. "Well it's three thirty, so I would say a little under about eleven hours…"

"Cool!" Charlotte exclaimed. "Maybe I can stay up!"

"Ha, I think not darling girl!" Izzie grabbed her off the barstool and twirled her around while singing to the Christmas carol. "What more can I do…baby all I want for Christmas is you…oh oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere, and the sound of children's laughter fills the air…everyone is singing…I hear those sleigh bells ringing…"

George walked through the door to see them singing.

"Santa won't you please bring the one I really need…won't you please bring my baby to me!" he rushed over and grabbed Izzie's waist as he joined in the dancing.

Izzie and Charlotte started laughing.

I heard the laughter as Derek and I approached the front door with a bag of stocking fillers and a whole lot of presents that were already gift wrapped.

"Izzie's got Christmas songs on the cd player…I can hear it already…" I sniffed the air and smiled at Riley. "Oh honey, there are bickies too!"

"Bickie!" Riley exclaimed. At eleven months old, he was just beginning to walk and had a word for nearly everything.

Derek stopped me just as I went to walk through the doors.

"What?" I asked.

He leaned down to kiss me.

"I love you," he whispered.

"Love!" Riley said happily.

I started to laugh.

"And I love _you_…" I turned to Riley. "Oh and you too honey, I love you too!"

I put him down and watched him run into the kitchen laughing, his dark curly hair was flicking from side to side as he ran; his blue eyes were becoming more like Derek every day.

"Oh hello baby!" I heard Izzie exclaim.

"Mommy!" came Charlotte's excited squeal.

"Hi!" I said happily as she ran out in one of her new Christmas dresses that Izzie bought for her. This one was white with holly all over it and a bright red sash around the back of it.

_She was such a little princess_.

"Aunty Izzie and Uncle George were dancing!" she laughed.

"Oh really?" I asked as I picked her up and hugged her. "Did you dance too?"

She nodded and giggled.

"What song?" I asked her.

"All I want for Christmas is you!" she replied.

I chuckled.

"My favourite!" I told her.

Izzie emerged rubbing her belly lovingly; which was really something she seemed to do a whole lot lately.

"Hey!" she said happily with George in tow.

Riley tagged along after her with a tight grip on the hem of her shirt.

"Momma!" he yelled as he saw me.

"What love?" I asked him as he came closer; I crouched down and ran my hands through his hair as it had grown knotty over the duration of the day. "Why don't you leave your Aunty Izzie alone?"

"Because he loves me!" Izzie exclaimed.

"Santa?" Riley asked.

"Tomorrow darling!" I told him.

"Bickie?" he asked sweetly.

"What do you say?" I questioned as I walked with him into the kitchen and picked up the biscuit.

"Ta!" Riley cried.

"Good boy," I smiled.

He ran off into the lounge room after Charlotte.

"Charlie!" he yelled.

"Riley! Use your little voice!" I called after him.

"Oh…" I sighed as I sat down in the chair and leaned against the back of it. I looked up at Izzie, George and Derek; Izzie was glowing with pregnancy beams and George in his pending fatherhood was becoming funnier as time progressed. But then my eyes turned to Derek as I smiled; he was just amazing; perfect and my dream come true. "Christmas time…"

"Christmas time…" Izzie repeated.

"Time flies…" I sighed as I looked in at Charlotte who was more beautiful than ever, and back at Riley who was so much like his father it was scary.

A couple of hours later, Izzie pulled a Christmas eve roast out of the oven and set it down on the table. Her apron clung beautifully around her baby bump and I couldn't believe what an amazingly gorgeous pregnant woman she was.

"Smells good Iz," Derek commented.

"It certainly does!" George answered as he rested his hands on her belly and kissed her.

I smiled at him and back at Derek and then at my two beautiful children as they stared back at me.

"How long til Santa is here mommy?" Charlotte asked.

"About six hours my love," I answered as I put some roast meat onto her plate.

"Wow, that's not long! Can I stay up?" she pressed.

"No way babe," I replied.

She scowled and smiled to herself.

After dinner, we all retreated to the lounge room where Izzie and George took the single couch as Izzie perched herself on George's lap with his hands securely wrapped around her waist, rubbing her belly just has he had done so much over the past four months. I sat down on the double seater with Riley in my arms and Charlotte sprawled across Derek's lap as he wrapped his arm around me. I reached over and picked up the book off the coffee table.

He opened it and began to read.

"'_Twas the night before Christmas…and all through the night…_" he read.

We all listened intently as his voice changed with words and expressed his love for Christmas at home with his family.

"_Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a goodnight…_" he finished as he slowly closed the book and looked at me dearly.

I looked down to see Charlotte asleep on Derek and Riley had fallen asleep in my arms.

"Thank you…" I whispered.

Derek leaned in to kiss me gently.

"Merry Christmas Meredith…" he said softly.

The next morning I heard the faint sounds of Charlotte fussing downstairs in the lounge room; I knew it wouldn't be long until she started shouting out…

"Mommy!" she screamed. "Santa came!"

I heard her feet running up the stairs in excitement as her voice grew closer.

"Mommy! Daddy!" she yelled.

Derek stirred and rolled over.

"Mmm…" he groaned. He opened his eyes and smiled as he leaned in to kiss me in a way he'd never before. "Merry Christmas…"

"Merry Christmas…" I whispered.

The door flung open.

"Get up!" she shrieked. "Santa has been!"

I laughed and waited for her to jump on the bed as Derek moved to pull Riley out of his cot to bring him over to the bed.

"Merry Christmas angel," I said to Charlotte as I kissed her.

She smiled for a minute before she jumped off the bed.

"Presents!" she yelled. She stopped at Izzie and George's door as she pounded on it heavily. "Aunty Izzie, Uncle George wake up!"

Downstairs, Charlotte was tearing into presents and Riley was happily chewing on the paper. Derek cleared his throat,

"This is from me…" he handed me a small box.

I opened it up and gasped at the tiny locket necklace; as I opened it two photos of Charlotte and Riley reflected back at me.

"Oh honey…" I leaned up and kissed him. "I love it! I love you…"

George turned around to Izzie.

"Well, I have a gift for you…" he said as he knelt down under the tree and reached for something; as he turned around he didn't move from his knees, instead, he opened his palm to reveal a diamond ring. "Isobel Stevens…will you marry me?"

Izzie choked back tears and smiled.

"Yes!" she cried throwing her arms around him. She composed herself slightly and turned back to him. "This is for you…"

George opened the gift to reveal two silver rattles.

"Two?" he questioned. His eyes widened. "Two?" he cried.

Izzie nodded.

"Twins…" she managed to gasp out.

I smiled at them and turned to Derek, handing him a flat present.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Open it…" I prompted.

He smiled and opened it; his eyes welling with tears.

"Oh my god…"

A picture frame stared back at him with an ultrasound photo in it.

"I'm pregnant…" I smiled.

Derek couldn't believe it.

"Merry Christmas…" I said as I looked around the room at my family that I have come to love more than anything in the world…

**There it is...**

**Stick around for the next installment of the series...coming to a fiction near you soon!!**

**REVIEWS AS ALWAYS :)**


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